I wish everything in life didn't have to be so god damn painful all the time. Is it just like this forever? Do I just make things hard for myself by obsessing and being too sensitive? Is it low self-esteem? Is everyone else just a lot more detached than I am? Maybe it's just the holidays. Stupid Jesus.
Sorry. I'm just having a little self-pity party today.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Monday, December 26, 2005
Aliens and Dixie Chicks
Apparently this is the Christmas of the Dixie Chicks. I borrowed my sister-in-law's copy of Wide Open Spaces for the drive up from Little Rock to Rogers and listened to it the entire way (read: over 3 consecutive times). Then I got a copy of Home for Christmas, then bought a copy of Wide Open Spaces for myself at Wal-Mart today. They're both wonderful, and I am now officially a huge fan. I guess I always considered them sort of a "singles" band, but seriously, both records are nearly flawless.
Last night I sat in my kitchen with my dad, both brothers and my sister-in-law and had a very long conversation about aliens and the Bible. We actually discussed, in depth and with all seriousness, about why the aliens would have built Egypt, and what they must have been doing. I think we were all running on the assumption that aliens do actually exist, and did actually build Egypt. At least for the sake of conversation. I think my dad might actually believe it, I'm not sure. It was also sort of interesting to listen to him refute and explain away multiple Old Testament stories, attributing them to geologic activity. Neither of my parents have ever been Christians of the literal, fundamentalist type, but they are both avid Bible readers, church goers, and people of deep faith. The thing my dad explained in the most detail was how the parting of the Red Sea was supposedly caused by an earthquake and the tides pulling back or something. (I was fairly lit at that point after having consumed 2 whiskeys and almost 3 beers.) I guess explaining away the parting of the Red Sea due to an earthquake is still assuming the Red Sea did actually part, and that the whole exile from Egypt is also true, so maybe my dad is just the master of Intelligent Design, having found a perfect balance of his faith and his science. Or maybe the Moses story is actually historically accurate and I'm just ignorant. But we never did come to any conclusions as to why the aliens built Egypt. Obviously it has something to do with irrigation, but what? Beats the shit out of us.
On Friday before I left Little Rock I visited the Clinton Library. I have to admit that I was deeply moved and actually cried 3 times. Just thinking about America back then, and watching his speeches, and imagining how much promise there was, pre-Bush, pre-9/11. Just the things that administration did for civil rights, and the poor, and for education. My heart broke. I didn't get behind everything Clinton did, obviously, but it just seems like everyone in the White House back then was so smart, and committed, and progressive-thinking. I truly feel this country was headed towards a greatness it may now never realize. I'm not blaming it all on Bush of course, but he has certainly altered the tides and direction it may take generations to get back. In a lot of ways, the library was really depressing for that reason. But I'm happy I went, and if nothing else, it's an architectural masterpiece, truly stunning.
Overall, it's been a very nice trip. My nephew is 3-and-a-half now, and he's so much fun. He's really starting to form a real personality, and you can carry on semi-conversations with him, and he's becoming quite opinionated and big-mouthed. A true Cox. But more than that, he loves me. He always wants me to play with him, and carry him around, and his face lights up when I walk in the room. He loves to run up and wrap himself around my leg and then beg me to carry him around upside-down; he loves it. He thinks his brains will fall out, but he doesn't seem too concerned about it. I think for maybe the first time, I will be truly sad to leave him. My brother and sister-in-law are thinking about moving back up here from Little Rock and I hope they do. I might even come visit more. I think now that the nephew's personality is really starting to come out, I'm getting a little sad at how many of the things I'm going to miss: his school plays, soccer games, taking him out for afternoons at the movies. Fuck. I hate that kids can do this to you, and I hate that I'm not immune to it. Maybe when he gets older he can come stay with me a little bit in Austin during the summers or something. That might be nice. Who knows what the future holds.
It's also been more of an emotional vacation in other ways. My grandmother has Alzheimers and is deteriorating quickly. I had lunch with her on Saturday, and it was nice, but possibly one of the saddest things I've ever seen happened the same afternoon. I went to her house to give her some flowers and a vase I got her, and she wanted to show me a picture she had. She went to her class reunion this past summer and she said the picture was of her and a really good-looking fellow she met. I thought this was pretty strange and was intrigued until she showed me the picture, and it was of her and my grandfather from several years ago. They were married for almost 60 years, and he died from prostate cancer 6 years ago. She had found the picture in her bedroom, and had sort of decided, i guess (i have no idea how the Alzheimers brain really operates), that she had met this "fellow" there. When I tried to explain to her who it actually was, she had zero recollection of my grandfather, and was convinced she had only met this man this past summer and had never spoken to him again. In these situations, when dealing with this disease, you just have to acquiese and change the subject most of the time, which is about all I could do to keep from crying. And in some ways it made me really angry, but it's not her fault.
I'm leaving here tomorrow, aware of how much I'm leaving behind, and for the first time actually caring. I'm not sure how I feel about that. But I'll be glad to get back to my adopted home and my regular life. And all of my other family.
Last night I sat in my kitchen with my dad, both brothers and my sister-in-law and had a very long conversation about aliens and the Bible. We actually discussed, in depth and with all seriousness, about why the aliens would have built Egypt, and what they must have been doing. I think we were all running on the assumption that aliens do actually exist, and did actually build Egypt. At least for the sake of conversation. I think my dad might actually believe it, I'm not sure. It was also sort of interesting to listen to him refute and explain away multiple Old Testament stories, attributing them to geologic activity. Neither of my parents have ever been Christians of the literal, fundamentalist type, but they are both avid Bible readers, church goers, and people of deep faith. The thing my dad explained in the most detail was how the parting of the Red Sea was supposedly caused by an earthquake and the tides pulling back or something. (I was fairly lit at that point after having consumed 2 whiskeys and almost 3 beers.) I guess explaining away the parting of the Red Sea due to an earthquake is still assuming the Red Sea did actually part, and that the whole exile from Egypt is also true, so maybe my dad is just the master of Intelligent Design, having found a perfect balance of his faith and his science. Or maybe the Moses story is actually historically accurate and I'm just ignorant. But we never did come to any conclusions as to why the aliens built Egypt. Obviously it has something to do with irrigation, but what? Beats the shit out of us.
On Friday before I left Little Rock I visited the Clinton Library. I have to admit that I was deeply moved and actually cried 3 times. Just thinking about America back then, and watching his speeches, and imagining how much promise there was, pre-Bush, pre-9/11. Just the things that administration did for civil rights, and the poor, and for education. My heart broke. I didn't get behind everything Clinton did, obviously, but it just seems like everyone in the White House back then was so smart, and committed, and progressive-thinking. I truly feel this country was headed towards a greatness it may now never realize. I'm not blaming it all on Bush of course, but he has certainly altered the tides and direction it may take generations to get back. In a lot of ways, the library was really depressing for that reason. But I'm happy I went, and if nothing else, it's an architectural masterpiece, truly stunning.
Overall, it's been a very nice trip. My nephew is 3-and-a-half now, and he's so much fun. He's really starting to form a real personality, and you can carry on semi-conversations with him, and he's becoming quite opinionated and big-mouthed. A true Cox. But more than that, he loves me. He always wants me to play with him, and carry him around, and his face lights up when I walk in the room. He loves to run up and wrap himself around my leg and then beg me to carry him around upside-down; he loves it. He thinks his brains will fall out, but he doesn't seem too concerned about it. I think for maybe the first time, I will be truly sad to leave him. My brother and sister-in-law are thinking about moving back up here from Little Rock and I hope they do. I might even come visit more. I think now that the nephew's personality is really starting to come out, I'm getting a little sad at how many of the things I'm going to miss: his school plays, soccer games, taking him out for afternoons at the movies. Fuck. I hate that kids can do this to you, and I hate that I'm not immune to it. Maybe when he gets older he can come stay with me a little bit in Austin during the summers or something. That might be nice. Who knows what the future holds.
It's also been more of an emotional vacation in other ways. My grandmother has Alzheimers and is deteriorating quickly. I had lunch with her on Saturday, and it was nice, but possibly one of the saddest things I've ever seen happened the same afternoon. I went to her house to give her some flowers and a vase I got her, and she wanted to show me a picture she had. She went to her class reunion this past summer and she said the picture was of her and a really good-looking fellow she met. I thought this was pretty strange and was intrigued until she showed me the picture, and it was of her and my grandfather from several years ago. They were married for almost 60 years, and he died from prostate cancer 6 years ago. She had found the picture in her bedroom, and had sort of decided, i guess (i have no idea how the Alzheimers brain really operates), that she had met this "fellow" there. When I tried to explain to her who it actually was, she had zero recollection of my grandfather, and was convinced she had only met this man this past summer and had never spoken to him again. In these situations, when dealing with this disease, you just have to acquiese and change the subject most of the time, which is about all I could do to keep from crying. And in some ways it made me really angry, but it's not her fault.
I'm leaving here tomorrow, aware of how much I'm leaving behind, and for the first time actually caring. I'm not sure how I feel about that. But I'll be glad to get back to my adopted home and my regular life. And all of my other family.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
And I don't Understand Why I Sleep all Day
So today I talked to my old college friend Allie for 45 minutes on my drive to Dallas. Allie was the girlfriend of my freshman roommate, and we met through him. He ended up dropping out of college for various reasons at semester, but Allie and I remained friends. We haven't spoken since I first moved to Austin almost 7 years ago, but talking to her today, I realize very little has changed.
I actually started laughing to myself in the car thinking about her. We had so many adventures together. She was from Little Rock, so we went back there often to visit her parents and go to punk rock shows at Vino's. I remember being 18 and sitting in her Volvo outside Little Rock's only gay dance club, Discovery, and just wishing so badly that we could go inside but we were underage. We thought about trying to sneak in a few times but we never actually had the guts. And once in the snow, her windshield wiper broke on the way to the Rock, with our friend Jeff, so we stayed in a hotel, only to find out the next morning that it was just a loose screw. We laughed so hard, but had a great time in the hotel room. The 3 of us devised this incredibly elaborate story about being strung-out club kids in this incredibly sordid, bisexual, drug and sex triangle that we were going to try to use to get on Jerry Springer. There were late night "study sessions" at the Waffle House in Fayetteville playing "No Rain" by Blind Melon over and over on the jukebox. Punk shows at the Station, muddy raves out in the woods, skipping Communications class to sit in her dorm room watching reruns of My So-Called Life. Drunken 4-square games at the Greek Theatre in the middle of the night with all of the stinky crusty punk rock vegan hippy weirdo kids from Little Rock, one of which we both wanted so badly, we stayed up many nights with aching hearts discussing him and looking at his pictures.
Yeah, we had many good times. It seems her life has taken some unusual, but fulfilling and wonderful, turns and it was so great talking to her. It seems we can still make each other laugh just as much as we ever could, and she hasn't lost a single shred of her goofiness. So we're going to have breakfast on Friday morning in Little Rock before I leave my brother's house to drive up to Rogers. I can't wait. I anticipate spitting coffee out my nose and laughing so hard my guts hurt. And maybe just for good measure we'll go to Waffle House and listen to "No Rain."
I actually started laughing to myself in the car thinking about her. We had so many adventures together. She was from Little Rock, so we went back there often to visit her parents and go to punk rock shows at Vino's. I remember being 18 and sitting in her Volvo outside Little Rock's only gay dance club, Discovery, and just wishing so badly that we could go inside but we were underage. We thought about trying to sneak in a few times but we never actually had the guts. And once in the snow, her windshield wiper broke on the way to the Rock, with our friend Jeff, so we stayed in a hotel, only to find out the next morning that it was just a loose screw. We laughed so hard, but had a great time in the hotel room. The 3 of us devised this incredibly elaborate story about being strung-out club kids in this incredibly sordid, bisexual, drug and sex triangle that we were going to try to use to get on Jerry Springer. There were late night "study sessions" at the Waffle House in Fayetteville playing "No Rain" by Blind Melon over and over on the jukebox. Punk shows at the Station, muddy raves out in the woods, skipping Communications class to sit in her dorm room watching reruns of My So-Called Life. Drunken 4-square games at the Greek Theatre in the middle of the night with all of the stinky crusty punk rock vegan hippy weirdo kids from Little Rock, one of which we both wanted so badly, we stayed up many nights with aching hearts discussing him and looking at his pictures.
Yeah, we had many good times. It seems her life has taken some unusual, but fulfilling and wonderful, turns and it was so great talking to her. It seems we can still make each other laugh just as much as we ever could, and she hasn't lost a single shred of her goofiness. So we're going to have breakfast on Friday morning in Little Rock before I leave my brother's house to drive up to Rogers. I can't wait. I anticipate spitting coffee out my nose and laughing so hard my guts hurt. And maybe just for good measure we'll go to Waffle House and listen to "No Rain."
Monday, December 19, 2005
There will be no white flag above my door
Goodbye Karen. I love you. Austin will never be the same without you. I'll miss you more than you'll ever know.
Love,
ryan
Love,
ryan
I is officially a student
I went in this morning, signed up for my classes, talked to the financial aid advisor (things are a little scary on that front...), and got my parking permit!
Most importantly, the classes I'm taking are:
Spanish I (since I took 2 different languages while at the University of Arkansas - don't ask! - I could either have taken the second class of one of those, but since it's been 10 years since I took either one, and you have to have 2 semesters of the same language at St. Eds, I just decided to start over with Spanish, since that will probably be infinitely more useful than either French or German, which are what I took at the U of A.)
Gender Studies (to fulfill my Literature requirement. They had many things to choose from that sounded interesting, but most of them were full, including "Southern Writers," which I think I would have liked, but "Gender Studies" will suit me just fine, I feel.)
Theories of Personality (my first Psych elective), and
The American Experience, which is sort of like an American Studies class. blech. Not looking horribly forward to that one, but whatever.
So I only got enough financial aid at this point to cover a little over half of tuition, and that's it. So I panicked a little, but that's based on the amount of money that I'm currently making, which, obviously, I won't be making once I'm in school. So I have several options, one of which is to fill out this form for the school basically telling them that, and the advisor pretty much guaranteed I will get a substantial amount more. Also, she gave me another pretty big loan I can apply for with a co-signor, that was also pretty guaranteed. So all is good. Now I just need to go find another part-time job! Yay for part time, service jobs.
But all in all, it feels a little more real now than it used to, even yesterday. I'm sort of swimming and overwhelmed, but very excited.
Most importantly, the classes I'm taking are:
Spanish I (since I took 2 different languages while at the University of Arkansas - don't ask! - I could either have taken the second class of one of those, but since it's been 10 years since I took either one, and you have to have 2 semesters of the same language at St. Eds, I just decided to start over with Spanish, since that will probably be infinitely more useful than either French or German, which are what I took at the U of A.)
Gender Studies (to fulfill my Literature requirement. They had many things to choose from that sounded interesting, but most of them were full, including "Southern Writers," which I think I would have liked, but "Gender Studies" will suit me just fine, I feel.)
Theories of Personality (my first Psych elective), and
The American Experience, which is sort of like an American Studies class. blech. Not looking horribly forward to that one, but whatever.
So I only got enough financial aid at this point to cover a little over half of tuition, and that's it. So I panicked a little, but that's based on the amount of money that I'm currently making, which, obviously, I won't be making once I'm in school. So I have several options, one of which is to fill out this form for the school basically telling them that, and the advisor pretty much guaranteed I will get a substantial amount more. Also, she gave me another pretty big loan I can apply for with a co-signor, that was also pretty guaranteed. So all is good. Now I just need to go find another part-time job! Yay for part time, service jobs.
But all in all, it feels a little more real now than it used to, even yesterday. I'm sort of swimming and overwhelmed, but very excited.
Friday, December 16, 2005
Ahh, Christmas.
Everyone should immediately go here. It's one of the funniest god damn things I've ever heard in my life. I was laughing before the music even started.
You need speakers or headphones.
On another note, this girl I work with told me this morning I looked like I got run over by a truck, then asked if I was sick. Geez. I didn't get much sleep last night, but I didn't think I looked that bad.
You need speakers or headphones.
On another note, this girl I work with told me this morning I looked like I got run over by a truck, then asked if I was sick. Geez. I didn't get much sleep last night, but I didn't think I looked that bad.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Only 11 days of work left
Thus, I'm not doing shit, and the postings have been a little heavy on here lately. For the second day in a row, I'm aping Collier by posting the results of the Ok Cupid Death Test.
Apparently, I have 19,221 days left on Earth, until I finally pass in the year 2058, age 81, of a heart attack. Better that than cancer, I suppose. But even more sobering, I have lived 35% of my life already. That's very sobering to think about.
Apparently, I have 19,221 days left on Earth, until I finally pass in the year 2058, age 81, of a heart attack. Better that than cancer, I suppose. But even more sobering, I have lived 35% of my life already. That's very sobering to think about.
"What is it that you really want?" "Real Estate."
Victor sent this along yesterday, and I wanted to share it. It's a Yahoo! news article about the enduring appeal of A Charlie Brown Christmas. I've seen this show every Christmas for as long as I can remember, and it still gets me a little choked up every time. Money quote:
Schulz, who died in 2000, never doubted the power of his tale of Charlie Brown's quest for the true meaning of Christmas amid the garish trappings of a commercialized holiday. "It comes across in the voice of a child," says Jeannie Schulz, the wife of the cartoonist, whose friends called him Sparky. "Sparky used to say there will always be a market for innocence."
Now that my nephew is around, we've started sharing it with him, and I love sitting and watching him watch it, wide-eyed, taking it all in. Last Christmas he was only 2, so I'm sure he didn't get much, but you gotta start em young. It makes me sad that they just don't seem to make this kind of stuff anymore. Everything now has to be so hip and reflective of pop culture, and have sexual innuendos and hip hop music. It breaks my heart. Another quote:
"A key element in all of Schulz's work is his sense of man's place in the scheme of things in a theological sense as well as a psychological sense," says Thomas Inge, an English and humanities professor at Randolph-Macon College who edited a series of interviews with Schulz released in 2000. "Then there's this slightly cynical attitude that makes everything work."
Maybe a trip home and to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas is just what I need to get back in the spirit this year.
Schulz, who died in 2000, never doubted the power of his tale of Charlie Brown's quest for the true meaning of Christmas amid the garish trappings of a commercialized holiday. "It comes across in the voice of a child," says Jeannie Schulz, the wife of the cartoonist, whose friends called him Sparky. "Sparky used to say there will always be a market for innocence."
Now that my nephew is around, we've started sharing it with him, and I love sitting and watching him watch it, wide-eyed, taking it all in. Last Christmas he was only 2, so I'm sure he didn't get much, but you gotta start em young. It makes me sad that they just don't seem to make this kind of stuff anymore. Everything now has to be so hip and reflective of pop culture, and have sexual innuendos and hip hop music. It breaks my heart. Another quote:
"A key element in all of Schulz's work is his sense of man's place in the scheme of things in a theological sense as well as a psychological sense," says Thomas Inge, an English and humanities professor at Randolph-Macon College who edited a series of interviews with Schulz released in 2000. "Then there's this slightly cynical attitude that makes everything work."
Maybe a trip home and to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas is just what I need to get back in the spirit this year.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Random Brutal Sex Master!
Ok, so I took the OK Cupid Love Personality quiz or whatever, and these were my results: (thoughts?)
Your results are in! Riotboy6, you are...
The Hornivore
Random Brutal Sex Master (RBSMm)
Don't ever marry, you're The Hornivore. Roaming, sexual, subhuman.
The Hornivores (you) are some of the most screwed up and naughty beings in the Universe. And their numbers are growing, mostly due to skipped or misused contraception. You care not. There's one thing you want, one sole need.
Half manly, half bestial, you act on instinct, and animal charisma smoothes the way. It's unlikely you're driven by much other than your own selfish, orgasmic requirements. Your appearance and personality have evolved for the hunt. Ass beckons, you oblige.
For the record, you can happily bang all personality types, however your match percentages might be low with the kinder, more sensible people of the world, purely because they all wish to avoid you. Good luck to them.
Your exact opposite:
The Slow Dancer
Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer
"One day, the villagers came with torches to the house. In the smoldering ashes, stray dogs looked for cooked flesh."
AVOID: The Mixed Messenger, The Slow Dancer
CONSIDER: The Last Man on Earth, The Hornivore
Your results are in! Riotboy6, you are...
The Hornivore
Random Brutal Sex Master (RBSMm)
Don't ever marry, you're The Hornivore. Roaming, sexual, subhuman.
The Hornivores (you) are some of the most screwed up and naughty beings in the Universe. And their numbers are growing, mostly due to skipped or misused contraception. You care not. There's one thing you want, one sole need.
Half manly, half bestial, you act on instinct, and animal charisma smoothes the way. It's unlikely you're driven by much other than your own selfish, orgasmic requirements. Your appearance and personality have evolved for the hunt. Ass beckons, you oblige.
For the record, you can happily bang all personality types, however your match percentages might be low with the kinder, more sensible people of the world, purely because they all wish to avoid you. Good luck to them.
Your exact opposite:
The Slow Dancer
Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer
"One day, the villagers came with torches to the house. In the smoldering ashes, stray dogs looked for cooked flesh."
AVOID: The Mixed Messenger, The Slow Dancer
CONSIDER: The Last Man on Earth, The Hornivore
And I'm rolling downhill like a snowball headed for Hell
So it's official: I'm an honorary St. Edwards student! Yay! I'm so excited. I have an appointment for next Monday to go in and set up all of my classes. I'm so anxious to see what I get to take, especially the electives. I'm so ready to just dive in and be really busy and be learning things and really feel like I'm working towards something real. I have so many things I want to do, like start writing for the literary journal there, join clubs, like the gay club, and the psychology club, and maybe take cello lessons. I'm bringing my cello back from Arkansas after Christmas, because I decided I want to start playing it again. My mother, of course, is totally off-her-rocker thrilled about it. It's been 10 years since I've even touched it, but I'm going to have her give me a refresher course while I'm home, and since I played for so long before, maybe it will all come back to me pretty quickly. (And after I re-master the cello, I want to learn the banjo!)
So yeah, I put in my notice at work yesterday. It looks like I'll be here until January 6th, but that's still only, like, 12 actual workdays, since there's Christmas and all. It's crazy. It's almost unfathomable, that in 3 weeks I'm going to walk out these doors for the last time, after almost 4 years! I hate to admit it, but in some small way, I think I might miss it. Not the actual job, but when you've done something every single day for 4 years, it sort of becomes a part of you, whether you like it or not. I sort of regret that I've wasted so much time here, but on the other hand, it served its purpose of lighting a serious fire under my ass and making me realize that this is NOT what I want for myself, thus I think I'll push myself that much harder in school. I'm already having fantasies of getting my Master's degree from Harvard. heh. Anyway, I'm going to theoretically work towards that, even if it's not something I would totally choose. But can you imagine me at Harvard? It's pretty funny.
Also, I had the pleasure of catching a sneak of Brokeback Mountain last night with Karen, Kat, Stacy, and her daughter, Annalise (sp?). It was beautiful and perfect and totally drained me. Karen and I stopped at La La's on the way home to have some whiskey and decompress. I loved it.
So yeah, I put in my notice at work yesterday. It looks like I'll be here until January 6th, but that's still only, like, 12 actual workdays, since there's Christmas and all. It's crazy. It's almost unfathomable, that in 3 weeks I'm going to walk out these doors for the last time, after almost 4 years! I hate to admit it, but in some small way, I think I might miss it. Not the actual job, but when you've done something every single day for 4 years, it sort of becomes a part of you, whether you like it or not. I sort of regret that I've wasted so much time here, but on the other hand, it served its purpose of lighting a serious fire under my ass and making me realize that this is NOT what I want for myself, thus I think I'll push myself that much harder in school. I'm already having fantasies of getting my Master's degree from Harvard. heh. Anyway, I'm going to theoretically work towards that, even if it's not something I would totally choose. But can you imagine me at Harvard? It's pretty funny.
Also, I had the pleasure of catching a sneak of Brokeback Mountain last night with Karen, Kat, Stacy, and her daughter, Annalise (sp?). It was beautiful and perfect and totally drained me. Karen and I stopped at La La's on the way home to have some whiskey and decompress. I loved it.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Where I hope to live my final days
Red wine and sleeping pills help me get back to your arms. Cheap sex and sad films help me get back where I belong.
God, I hate winter. All I want to do is board up the house, crank the gas heater, drink wine, smoke cigarettes, take Xanax, and watch episode after episode after episode of Six Feet Under until I fall into a pharmaceutical-induced coma. (That show is my religion, I swear. I would totally drink the Kool-Aid with the Fishers.)
No, it's not really as bad as all that. But I do hate winter. Everything silent and frozen is the loneliest feeling in the world. I really like having Karen around. It's like we have a snug little home together. It's very comforting.
No, it's not really as bad as all that. But I do hate winter. Everything silent and frozen is the loneliest feeling in the world. I really like having Karen around. It's like we have a snug little home together. It's very comforting.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Has it been 6 months already?
I'm going to bypass the obvious topic of conversation today, and instead bring you this charming Yahoo! article about people being fed up with misbehaving children.
"It's not about the kids," says McCauley, the 44-year-old owner of A Taste of Heaven cafe, who has no children but claims to like them a lot. "It's about the parents who are with them. Are they supervising and guiding them?
"I'm just asking that they are considerate to people around them."
Amen, brother. Happy Tuesday, everybody.
"It's not about the kids," says McCauley, the 44-year-old owner of A Taste of Heaven cafe, who has no children but claims to like them a lot. "It's about the parents who are with them. Are they supervising and guiding them?
"I'm just asking that they are considerate to people around them."
Amen, brother. Happy Tuesday, everybody.
Friday, December 02, 2005
Master of My Universe
A couple of weeks ago I came to the startling realization that since I started running regularly again last August or September, or whenever it was, that I've started losing a lot of weight. About 10 pounds to be exact, which I can't really afford to spare. I knew my appetite had increased: I swear that while I was running I could have eaten a full meal every 3 hours and been okay. I was just so hungry all the time, and although I consistently snacked and ate lunch and big dinners, it was never enough. I simply couldn't keep up and started to feel like my body was going to start eating itself pretty soon unless I spent every waking minute and dollar I had pursuing carbs and protein, like some caveman.
So I decided to stop running, but keep going to the gym, and start doing weights on my lower half, which i didn't do before, because I ran. And in the 2 weeks since I made that decision I've promptly gained back 6 pounds as of yesterday.
I love being right, even if it's a no-brainer.
So I decided to stop running, but keep going to the gym, and start doing weights on my lower half, which i didn't do before, because I ran. And in the 2 weeks since I made that decision I've promptly gained back 6 pounds as of yesterday.
I love being right, even if it's a no-brainer.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Gettin' on the Gay
I bought the new Madonna record last weekend, and can't get enough of it! I love it. Of course the lyrics and all are retarded, but I don't listen to Madonna for her lyrics. It's a great dance record: it's one continuous mix, and it's really driving, and some of it's really dark-sounding. It's totally infectious, and there are multiple melodies that I can't ever get out of my head. Music like that is just so viscerally satisfying.
And in other news, in contrast to all those cyborgy, blinking cell-phone earpieces everybody seems to be plugging into these days, I want one of these. Courtesy of this guy.
And in other news, in contrast to all those cyborgy, blinking cell-phone earpieces everybody seems to be plugging into these days, I want one of these. Courtesy of this guy.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
"This is me, this is what you get!"
So, I had a dream last night that I lived next door to Brenda from Six Feet Under. Not just the actress, but the actual character of Brenda. I was hanging out at her house before work, for some reason, and we were watching The OC. I said I needed to leave to go get some coffee, but she made me some kind of crazy coffee/granola drink so I wouldn't leave. I felt very comfortable there, and just couldn't drag myself to work. I love Brenda. I wish I could be friends with her, and marry David. Although he would prolly drive me nuts.
Am I pathetic enough yet?
Am I pathetic enough yet?
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Capital One can suck it.
Yesterday when I pulled into my driveway, there was a large, manila envelope sticking out the top of my mailbox. Sure that it was my acceptance letter from St. Edwards, I lept from the car, not even bothering to turn it off, my heart racing, only to discover that it was nothing but the umpteenth credit card offer I'd received in the past 3 weeks from Capital One. For some reason, they've started sending them to me in large, manila envelopes. Way to crush a boy's dreams, Capital One, you rat bastards. You won't give me a credit card anyway; I tried a few weeks ago.
Other than that, life isn't too eventful. Karen has stayed with me the last 2 nights, since her bed now lives at my house, as of last Sunday. She's been very gracious about my cover-stealing, even though my house is downright frigid in the mornings. On Saturday, I got a beautiful new sheet and comforter set from Crate & Barrel, that was something, like, 60% off. A $300 set I got for $127. I was thrilled. Even though they've been washed, they're still a bit scratchy and stiff, but I'm sure that will wear off soon enough.
I had sort of a date/non-date on Sunday. It was okay; certainly no sparks, but that's all right. On the drive home I realized that, even though I really want to be, I'm just not in a dating place yet. And with school starting and all that, who wants to be attached? Not me. Last night at Stacy Schoolfield's house, she suddenly got very excited remembering 3 different guys she knew of that she wanted to hook me up with. I had to graciously decline, but it was very sweet of her to think of me. But the date/non-date guy belongs to an all-gay book club that he invited me to join, which might be fun. Their next meeting is on the 12th of December, and the reading assignment is Other Voices, Other Rooms by Capote. I've actually started this book twice, and never got very far, but I started it again yesterday, and it's started hooking me in this time. I had to set aside Tropic of Cancer to start it, but that's okay, because I'm almost 100 pages into it, and still have no idea what's going on. Has anyone else out there read it? If so, is it worth sludging through? Methinks not, but I could be wrong. And the reading assignment for January is A Million Little Pieces, by James Frey, which I've already read, so maybe if I enjoy myself at this month's meeting, I'll attend next month's as well. I didn't care much for Pieces, but I'd be very curious to hear what a big group of homos all think of it.
Other than that, life isn't too eventful. Karen has stayed with me the last 2 nights, since her bed now lives at my house, as of last Sunday. She's been very gracious about my cover-stealing, even though my house is downright frigid in the mornings. On Saturday, I got a beautiful new sheet and comforter set from Crate & Barrel, that was something, like, 60% off. A $300 set I got for $127. I was thrilled. Even though they've been washed, they're still a bit scratchy and stiff, but I'm sure that will wear off soon enough.
I had sort of a date/non-date on Sunday. It was okay; certainly no sparks, but that's all right. On the drive home I realized that, even though I really want to be, I'm just not in a dating place yet. And with school starting and all that, who wants to be attached? Not me. Last night at Stacy Schoolfield's house, she suddenly got very excited remembering 3 different guys she knew of that she wanted to hook me up with. I had to graciously decline, but it was very sweet of her to think of me. But the date/non-date guy belongs to an all-gay book club that he invited me to join, which might be fun. Their next meeting is on the 12th of December, and the reading assignment is Other Voices, Other Rooms by Capote. I've actually started this book twice, and never got very far, but I started it again yesterday, and it's started hooking me in this time. I had to set aside Tropic of Cancer to start it, but that's okay, because I'm almost 100 pages into it, and still have no idea what's going on. Has anyone else out there read it? If so, is it worth sludging through? Methinks not, but I could be wrong. And the reading assignment for January is A Million Little Pieces, by James Frey, which I've already read, so maybe if I enjoy myself at this month's meeting, I'll attend next month's as well. I didn't care much for Pieces, but I'd be very curious to hear what a big group of homos all think of it.
Friday, November 25, 2005
Thanksgiving, mm-hmm.
So yesterday was Turkey Day, and it was great. Collier graciously hosted at her place. It was her, me, Karen, Collier's mom, then eventually Ann and Dylan, then for an after-dinner treat, Nisha, with amazing chocolate chip cookies that tasted like a stick of butter with chocolate chips stuck in it. We surmised yesterday that we probably all ate about 2 sticks of butter each. Which was fine by all of us. Butter is one of the greatest things on Earth. After dinner we all just got fat and lazy; we watched part of Survivor, then Will and Grace, then some awful special on Animal Planet about cats that do funny things. Incredibly, it was an hour-long special, but was pretty much the apex of mental stimulation of which we were capable at that point. At that point we had mulled cider with whiskey. It should have been cold outside, but it wasn't. So we pretended it was, and that made the cider more special. Another thing that made this year very special was the fact that Collier, graciously again, allowed me to usurp her job as the reacher-in-the-turkey-ass and puller-out-of-everything-inside. I'd never done this before, and was hesitant (I don't know why; I have plenty of experience with sticking things up assholes), but was actually quite disappointed to find that it had already been cleaned out. Aside from the actual act of fisting the turkey, there was no joy to be had in ripping its guts out. Oh well. Maybe next year.
I also realized on Wednesday night why it's dangerous for someone like me to have cable. I basically use it for companionship, and I guess that can get dangerous, as evidenced by my newfound addiction to America's Next Top Model. It's just as vapid as anything, but for some reason, a collection of nothing but girls, with no men involved, takes the bitchiness and backstabbing and petty complaining that much more compelling. It is pretty fascinating how a bunch of beautiful bitches totally turn on one another and form their little "alliances," and how hurt they all are when any of them is "betrayed," which means Jayla actually had a conversaton with Bre, when Jayla is supposed to be on Kim's side, or whatever. Incidentally, Kim got eliminated last week, when it was down to her and Bre, which I actually found pretty shocking. Bre is such a bitch, and frankly, she seems very unstable and possibly dangerous. Furthermore, she's not that pretty. Another Naomi Campbell in the making. And I only say that because they're both black. ha ha. And INSANE!
Anyway, I'm at work today, unfortunately. My supervisor just bought everybody chips and queso from Taco Cabana at 9:30 in the morning. Weird. I think he might be providing lunch, too, but I'm not sure. But I'll be out of here at 3:30. I have a date/non-date on Sunday night, which I'm actually really looking forward to, which means I think I want it to be a date. We'll see.
I also realized on Wednesday night why it's dangerous for someone like me to have cable. I basically use it for companionship, and I guess that can get dangerous, as evidenced by my newfound addiction to America's Next Top Model. It's just as vapid as anything, but for some reason, a collection of nothing but girls, with no men involved, takes the bitchiness and backstabbing and petty complaining that much more compelling. It is pretty fascinating how a bunch of beautiful bitches totally turn on one another and form their little "alliances," and how hurt they all are when any of them is "betrayed," which means Jayla actually had a conversaton with Bre, when Jayla is supposed to be on Kim's side, or whatever. Incidentally, Kim got eliminated last week, when it was down to her and Bre, which I actually found pretty shocking. Bre is such a bitch, and frankly, she seems very unstable and possibly dangerous. Furthermore, she's not that pretty. Another Naomi Campbell in the making. And I only say that because they're both black. ha ha. And INSANE!
Anyway, I'm at work today, unfortunately. My supervisor just bought everybody chips and queso from Taco Cabana at 9:30 in the morning. Weird. I think he might be providing lunch, too, but I'm not sure. But I'll be out of here at 3:30. I have a date/non-date on Sunday night, which I'm actually really looking forward to, which means I think I want it to be a date. We'll see.
Friday, November 18, 2005
and even I'm gettin' tired of useless desires
So, yeah, I guess it's been awhile. Just symptomatic of my mental state the last few weeks, I guess. I've just felt very isolated and disconnected in a lot of ways. Very in my own head, slightly hermetic. It's not necessarily a bad thing. But I'm coming back around, so you better watch out!
This last week has been filled with a lot of anticipation, not the least of which is waiting to hear back from St. Edwards regarding my application. I'm sure I'll have no problem getting in, but after my debacle with UT, I'm just worried. But I'm very excited about the prospects. I can't even begin to imagine how wonderfully amazing and liberating it's going to be the morning that I get to walk into work and put in my notice. Ah! It makes beam from ear to ear just thinking about it.
But other than that, I haven't really been up to much, honestly. Doing a lot of reading, thinking. I feel positive about most things overall, I just feel like I'm killing a lot of idle time right now, waiting for something to happen, instead of going out there and really making it happen. But in small ways, I'm making things happen. That's all I need right now: small gestures.
I'll try to post more regularly again on this thing, but as I said before, I don't even know who reads this. Should I even bother? But as I also said, I'm doing it mostly just for me, so I guess I should, even though I feel weird writing about much of what is actually on my mind these days. Another dilemma: how much am I comfortable revealing? Not very much, right now. That's why I've been so silent. But maybe forcing myself to post about things that don't necessarily plunge my psychic depths will be good for me. I spend too much time down there these days!
This last week has been filled with a lot of anticipation, not the least of which is waiting to hear back from St. Edwards regarding my application. I'm sure I'll have no problem getting in, but after my debacle with UT, I'm just worried. But I'm very excited about the prospects. I can't even begin to imagine how wonderfully amazing and liberating it's going to be the morning that I get to walk into work and put in my notice. Ah! It makes beam from ear to ear just thinking about it.
But other than that, I haven't really been up to much, honestly. Doing a lot of reading, thinking. I feel positive about most things overall, I just feel like I'm killing a lot of idle time right now, waiting for something to happen, instead of going out there and really making it happen. But in small ways, I'm making things happen. That's all I need right now: small gestures.
I'll try to post more regularly again on this thing, but as I said before, I don't even know who reads this. Should I even bother? But as I also said, I'm doing it mostly just for me, so I guess I should, even though I feel weird writing about much of what is actually on my mind these days. Another dilemma: how much am I comfortable revealing? Not very much, right now. That's why I've been so silent. But maybe forcing myself to post about things that don't necessarily plunge my psychic depths will be good for me. I spend too much time down there these days!
Friday, November 04, 2005
i'm either so sick in the head i need to be bled dry to quit, or i just really used to love him. i sure hope that's it.
KB and I had dinner and then drinks together last night and just had a giant bitch-fest, and it felt wonderful. There was no judgement, no holding back, really. We just let it all out. Not about each other, but about everything else that's been bothering, or irritating, or depressing, either one of us. Things maybe we're a little ashamed to actually be feeling, but do anyway. Jealousies, resentments, sadnesses. It's good to have friends like that, where you can just totally let it go and say whatever you want, and even if they don't feel the exact same way (but it's always better if they do), know that they won't hold it against you, or judge you for it, or think that you're a terrible, selfish, bitter, wounded person. We all have these thoughts; just no one ever wants to admit it. I hope that no matter whatever happens in my life, or how happy, or fulfilled, or whatever, I might ever become, that I never lose my fatalism. I hope I always keep that edge of cynical skepticism. For better or for worse, I think that's partially what defines me and my personality. Without it, I have no idea who I would be. Fatalism. Yeah, it's good.
At Starbucks this morning the new counter-guy was clearly flirting with me. Too bad he had a goatee and wasn't that cute. It still made my day. I got to smile and flirt back and be really friendly at 6:30 in the morning.
At Starbucks this morning the new counter-guy was clearly flirting with me. Too bad he had a goatee and wasn't that cute. It still made my day. I got to smile and flirt back and be really friendly at 6:30 in the morning.
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