I just finished my very last American Experience class at school. My professor did this really nice thing where if you're happy with your grade in the class, you don't have to take the final. Well, I have a 98 in the class, so needless to say, I'm skipping the final. I'm sad it's over, though. This semester has just flown by, and I'm totally in love with every one of my teachers. Being a much older student than almost everybody else here, I naturally gravitated more towards my professors than the other students when I arrived here, and I've managed to forge somewhat personal relationships with all 4 of them.
I really liked the American Experience class. It was basically the history of America, told through the eyes of the minorities, which seems like a fairly ingenious way to teach history to me, since history is written by the winners. My teacher is a very soft-spoken middle-aged woman, incredibly sweet, with a great sense of humor. She's a widow whose husband died of emphysema, she has 2 big dogs and lives in south Austin. But she's from Corpus and about to move back there to be with her new boyfriend. I got really sad leaving class today, thinking I'm sure I'll never see her again. It's a tendency I have in my life, to want to hold on to every single person who ever makes a difference to me. I know it's impossible, and if I actually did stay in contact with everyone I've ever known, with whom I wanted to stay in contact, I would be exhausted just trying to stay in contact. I know she's just a teacher and there will be more, and her "purpose" in my life, essentially, was to do exactly what she did. But it makes me sad to think about all the people from my past I wish I could still talk to. I even have professors from the University of Arkansas I tried to find recently, but couldn't. I have no idea why, or what I would possibly say to them if I did find them, but no matter. It seems like people just come and go so often and relationships are so fragile, or are there to just serve some transitional purpose or to teach you a lesson, and once that's done, poof, they're gone. I guess it's for the best, but I think it fucking sucks.
Monday, April 24, 2006
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Long Time Gone
Hey there. I guess it's been awhile. Only two weeks, I suppose, and not much has really happened. Well, it has, I guess. I've been incredibly busy with school; end of the semester and all. I only have 3 class days left. It's almost unfathomable how quickly the time went by. I've been busting my ass the last 3 days on my final paper for my Theories of Personality class. We have to do a personality analysis on someone, either real or a fictional character, anyone we want, and I chose Brenda from Six Feet Under. She is truly one of my favorite characters that ever has existed. I wish she was real and we could be BFF, I love her so fucking much. She's by far, I think, the richest and most complex character on the show, and really the reason I kept watching it. So that's going well.
Today I started my volunteering at Doug's House, the AIDS hospice here in town, and still the only one in Central Texas (again, God bless Austin). Today was actually my orientation, but I'm going to start this week, probably Thursday, and work one 4-hour shift a week until I get comfortable with it, or have more time or whatever. There were 2 other volunteers with me today at the orientation, both of them women, probably around my age or slightly older. I liked them both a lot right away, and one of them even made a pretty off-color joke to me while we were talking about changing diapers, which of course immediately endeared her to me. I think I'm really going to enjoy my time there, though it's gonna be rough. Today we met 2 of the patients currently living there. One of them is a man in his early-40's, who looks about 70, and is in the final throes of AIDS. He has about 2 months left, tops. He's nothing but a skeleton lying in his bed watching television. He eats around half a sandwich a day, which takes him about 30-45 minutes to eat, and you have to break off little pieces and feed them to him, and even then, it makes him so tired he has to sleep for hours afterwards. The other was a middle-aged black woman, covered with open sores from an advanced Herpes infection, fresh out of prison. She has 3 daughters, but only one that ever comes to visit or seems interested in her fate. I got really choked up about 3 times today just talking to the orientation leader, without even having done anything, or having yet become emotionally involved in any way. But I am looking really forward to starting, to talking with the patients there and just getting to know them, holding their hands, feeding them, giving them their medications, or just sitting and watching television with them, which is mostly what they want. Some company, someone to talk to. Most of them have just been through fucking hell that you couldn't imagine, largely abandoned by family and often even friends. It's so fucking tragic. But that's why I decided I wanted to be in this field: I want to know these people, I want to help them in any small way that I can. Maybe that sounds really self-righteous or pompous, but I don't care. It's the truth.
Oh, and we went through "death procedures" today too: what to do if somebody dies on our clock. We have to fold their hands across their chests and make sure their eyes are shut, and pull a sheet over them. There are numbers for the mortuary and coroner on the wall in the office for us to call, and if the patient has a call list of friends and family, that's our job too.
As an interesting side-note: every room has a really nice wall-mounted CD player and stereo, which the orientation leader said were all donated and paid for by Sandra Bullock. I was always very ambivalent about Sandra Bullock, but that seems like a really thoughtful thing to do. Like, she actually wanted to give them something, improve their quality of life in some small way.
I guess this post is getting really long. There were other things I was going to talk about, personal stuff, but I guess it's all pretty irrelevant. The last 2 weeks have been a pretty mixed bag of mostly incredibly good, and some really awful stuff. But I've learned to just let certain things go, finally. It feels nice. For a brief 24 hours almost 2 weeks ago, I thought things might be drastically different right at this moment, and then my hopes were shattered by indifference and detachment that was incredibly painful. But what I needed, really, to just finally let that bird fly free after a year of keeping it close to me. I know I'm being incredibly vague, but whatever. Kurt & Meredith's wedding, which was just fucking amazing, Matt Kane in town for 5 days, also amazing. It was really nice to see him, and just immediately fall back into our old groove after not seeing one another for almost 3 years.
I've been drinking wine (left over from the wedding and it's delicious!) like water while I've been writing this, and now I'm drunk. I want to go to bed.
Today I started my volunteering at Doug's House, the AIDS hospice here in town, and still the only one in Central Texas (again, God bless Austin). Today was actually my orientation, but I'm going to start this week, probably Thursday, and work one 4-hour shift a week until I get comfortable with it, or have more time or whatever. There were 2 other volunteers with me today at the orientation, both of them women, probably around my age or slightly older. I liked them both a lot right away, and one of them even made a pretty off-color joke to me while we were talking about changing diapers, which of course immediately endeared her to me. I think I'm really going to enjoy my time there, though it's gonna be rough. Today we met 2 of the patients currently living there. One of them is a man in his early-40's, who looks about 70, and is in the final throes of AIDS. He has about 2 months left, tops. He's nothing but a skeleton lying in his bed watching television. He eats around half a sandwich a day, which takes him about 30-45 minutes to eat, and you have to break off little pieces and feed them to him, and even then, it makes him so tired he has to sleep for hours afterwards. The other was a middle-aged black woman, covered with open sores from an advanced Herpes infection, fresh out of prison. She has 3 daughters, but only one that ever comes to visit or seems interested in her fate. I got really choked up about 3 times today just talking to the orientation leader, without even having done anything, or having yet become emotionally involved in any way. But I am looking really forward to starting, to talking with the patients there and just getting to know them, holding their hands, feeding them, giving them their medications, or just sitting and watching television with them, which is mostly what they want. Some company, someone to talk to. Most of them have just been through fucking hell that you couldn't imagine, largely abandoned by family and often even friends. It's so fucking tragic. But that's why I decided I wanted to be in this field: I want to know these people, I want to help them in any small way that I can. Maybe that sounds really self-righteous or pompous, but I don't care. It's the truth.
Oh, and we went through "death procedures" today too: what to do if somebody dies on our clock. We have to fold their hands across their chests and make sure their eyes are shut, and pull a sheet over them. There are numbers for the mortuary and coroner on the wall in the office for us to call, and if the patient has a call list of friends and family, that's our job too.
As an interesting side-note: every room has a really nice wall-mounted CD player and stereo, which the orientation leader said were all donated and paid for by Sandra Bullock. I was always very ambivalent about Sandra Bullock, but that seems like a really thoughtful thing to do. Like, she actually wanted to give them something, improve their quality of life in some small way.
I guess this post is getting really long. There were other things I was going to talk about, personal stuff, but I guess it's all pretty irrelevant. The last 2 weeks have been a pretty mixed bag of mostly incredibly good, and some really awful stuff. But I've learned to just let certain things go, finally. It feels nice. For a brief 24 hours almost 2 weeks ago, I thought things might be drastically different right at this moment, and then my hopes were shattered by indifference and detachment that was incredibly painful. But what I needed, really, to just finally let that bird fly free after a year of keeping it close to me. I know I'm being incredibly vague, but whatever. Kurt & Meredith's wedding, which was just fucking amazing, Matt Kane in town for 5 days, also amazing. It was really nice to see him, and just immediately fall back into our old groove after not seeing one another for almost 3 years.
I've been drinking wine (left over from the wedding and it's delicious!) like water while I've been writing this, and now I'm drunk. I want to go to bed.
Friday, April 07, 2006
Naked Soccer Boys
So last night I finally went to a meeting of GLBTSA group at St. Eds. I've been meaning to go all semester, but just always had something else going on. I learned some interesting things, though, like that St. Eds is the only Catholic university in Texas that has a GLBTSA group, and one of like, only 3, I believe, in the whole country. And apparently St. Eds has been attracting some attention among the upper Brothers of the Holy Cross for all of their "liberalism" and gay organizations. It's pretty frowned upon, I guess, and most people attribute it to the fact that St. Eds is in Austin, as opposed to say, San Antonio or something. One more reason to love Austin.
I've been thinking a lot about teaching lately too. It seems like something I'd maybe like to pursue, along with having a practice. I can't help it, I love academia. I realize now how much time I wasted avoiding school and having a real job and real life. But I guess I wasn't ready for it yet, and I didn't actually waste the time. I learned a lot, about myself, about life, about people. I'd love to teach some kind of psych class on sexuality, or maybe the history of the treatment of sexual "neuroses" in the psychiatric field. Or maybe just a class on interpersonal relationships. That would be cool, too.
Anyway, after the meeting last night, the evening was so beautiful, I walked to the north side of campus that has a stunning view overlooking the city. The sun was setting, the storm clouds were rolling in, and the air was breezy and cool. I sat down to take in the view for a bit, when I looked down the hill at the soccer field below where I sat, and noticed that the boys soccer team had apparently just finished a practice. They were all sitting in a group on the ground, getting lectured by their coach, but most of them had their shirts off. So I quickly forgot about the city view, and the sunset, and the incoming storm. When they were done "huddling," or whatever you call it, they all stood up to leave and collect their things.... and started stripping. On the field. While people stood around, including parents and whatnot. It was amazing. They all just literally removed their pants to put other shorts and jeans on. Most of them were wearing little square-cut black or gray athletic brief things, but a couple of them were just wearing plain 'ole white briefs. And there they were, on the soccer field, standing in them. It was truly unbelievable. But I feel blessed to have witnessed it.
I've been thinking a lot about teaching lately too. It seems like something I'd maybe like to pursue, along with having a practice. I can't help it, I love academia. I realize now how much time I wasted avoiding school and having a real job and real life. But I guess I wasn't ready for it yet, and I didn't actually waste the time. I learned a lot, about myself, about life, about people. I'd love to teach some kind of psych class on sexuality, or maybe the history of the treatment of sexual "neuroses" in the psychiatric field. Or maybe just a class on interpersonal relationships. That would be cool, too.
Anyway, after the meeting last night, the evening was so beautiful, I walked to the north side of campus that has a stunning view overlooking the city. The sun was setting, the storm clouds were rolling in, and the air was breezy and cool. I sat down to take in the view for a bit, when I looked down the hill at the soccer field below where I sat, and noticed that the boys soccer team had apparently just finished a practice. They were all sitting in a group on the ground, getting lectured by their coach, but most of them had their shirts off. So I quickly forgot about the city view, and the sunset, and the incoming storm. When they were done "huddling," or whatever you call it, they all stood up to leave and collect their things.... and started stripping. On the field. While people stood around, including parents and whatnot. It was amazing. They all just literally removed their pants to put other shorts and jeans on. Most of them were wearing little square-cut black or gray athletic brief things, but a couple of them were just wearing plain 'ole white briefs. And there they were, on the soccer field, standing in them. It was truly unbelievable. But I feel blessed to have witnessed it.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Okay, now this guy is my new Hero
And will the "mainstream, liberal" media pick up on this? Doubtful. Be sure to watch the video.
I mean, seriously, how can Bush sleep at night? It totally boggles the mind.
I mean, seriously, how can Bush sleep at night? It totally boggles the mind.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
One More Reason to Love Russ Feingold
In addition to outspokenly calling for a censure of President Bush, he has now shown public support for gay marriage.
"I will be voting against the harsh amendment that's been proposed in Wisconsin, and I thought it was an appropriate occasion to indicate my feeling that if two people care enough about each other to get married, that it probably is a positive thing for society," he said.
"Gay and lesbian people in our country are fighting a mean-spirited movement to harm them and to discriminate against them," he added. "I stand with them against that movement, and I'm proud to stand with them."
Maybe after the last 6 miserable years, in another 2, sanity and reason will return to our national politics. I'm certainly not holding my breath, but I haven't completely lost hope.
"I will be voting against the harsh amendment that's been proposed in Wisconsin, and I thought it was an appropriate occasion to indicate my feeling that if two people care enough about each other to get married, that it probably is a positive thing for society," he said.
"Gay and lesbian people in our country are fighting a mean-spirited movement to harm them and to discriminate against them," he added. "I stand with them against that movement, and I'm proud to stand with them."
Maybe after the last 6 miserable years, in another 2, sanity and reason will return to our national politics. I'm certainly not holding my breath, but I haven't completely lost hope.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
God is Gay
Pink News UK, which is apparently a gay news site from the UK (go figure) has an interesting article today about a website that seeks to uproot homophobia from Christianity by displaying a series of paintings done by people portraying Biblical stories from a gay perspective. A quote:
"Every time a gay gets bashed, Jesus is crucified again," said Kittredge Cherry, lesbian author and founder of the new website. "The anti-gay movement uses religion to justify discrimination, so even atheists can see the value in uprooting homophobia from Christian tradition."
Artists who dare to put the Easter story in a queer context have had their work destroyed, if they can find a way to exhibit it at all. Now these images are available on the internet.
Um, okay. But their heart is in the right place. It reminds me of when I was 21, and had just moved to Austin, when my artistic spirit was still very much in the punk rock ethos of "destroying the state" or whatever you want to call it. I had planned on making a sort of softcore gay porn film filled with religious imagery, like two men engaging in S&M and tying each other up with rosaries and eroticizing the crucifixion and bloodletting, all while sound bites of assholes like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell were playing. For some reason I thought if I made it, a lot of people would see it and be totally scandalized. I was going to shoot it on super-8 and have a lot of red in it. I even wrote out a shot sheet and talked to a couple of guys who were basically willing to fuck on film for me. But alas, it never materialized, and I'm sure it's just as well. I don't know if I got lazy or just decided it was stupid.
Anyway, you can see the gay Jesus pictures here.
"Every time a gay gets bashed, Jesus is crucified again," said Kittredge Cherry, lesbian author and founder of the new website. "The anti-gay movement uses religion to justify discrimination, so even atheists can see the value in uprooting homophobia from Christian tradition."
Artists who dare to put the Easter story in a queer context have had their work destroyed, if they can find a way to exhibit it at all. Now these images are available on the internet.
Um, okay. But their heart is in the right place. It reminds me of when I was 21, and had just moved to Austin, when my artistic spirit was still very much in the punk rock ethos of "destroying the state" or whatever you want to call it. I had planned on making a sort of softcore gay porn film filled with religious imagery, like two men engaging in S&M and tying each other up with rosaries and eroticizing the crucifixion and bloodletting, all while sound bites of assholes like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell were playing. For some reason I thought if I made it, a lot of people would see it and be totally scandalized. I was going to shoot it on super-8 and have a lot of red in it. I even wrote out a shot sheet and talked to a couple of guys who were basically willing to fuck on film for me. But alas, it never materialized, and I'm sure it's just as well. I don't know if I got lazy or just decided it was stupid.
Anyway, you can see the gay Jesus pictures here.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Dead Celebrities
My friend Bill had a party tonight with a dead celebrities theme. I finally got to wear my Michael Hutchence "costume" that I've alway wanted to wear for Halloween, but it's always been too cold. A wife-beater, white boxers, and a belt around my neck. and everyone knew who I was. That was exciting.
And I met Daniel. Daniel is 31. Daniel is getting his PHD in behavioral psychology. and Daniel is sexy as hell. He was dressed as Roy Rogers, but everyone thought he was supposed to be Jack Twist. I'm sure nothing will happen, but damn. That's all I have to say.
And I met Daniel. Daniel is 31. Daniel is getting his PHD in behavioral psychology. and Daniel is sexy as hell. He was dressed as Roy Rogers, but everyone thought he was supposed to be Jack Twist. I'm sure nothing will happen, but damn. That's all I have to say.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Best Craigslist "Missed Connection" ever?
I'm sorry, I just can't resist.
I'M SORRY I CHOKED YOU - M4M
We've been doing the dance for months. Finally after work today, we both got a lot more than the nerve up. I am so sorry that you got choked and that I freaked out when my stuff came out your nose. PLEASE lets give this another chance. You were really great for a first time. See you at 5am, man.
* this is in or around UPS parking lot
* no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
I'M SORRY I CHOKED YOU - M4M
We've been doing the dance for months. Finally after work today, we both got a lot more than the nerve up. I am so sorry that you got choked and that I freaked out when my stuff came out your nose. PLEASE lets give this another chance. You were really great for a first time. See you at 5am, man.
* this is in or around UPS parking lot
* no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Everything. Everyone. Everywhere. Ends.
Yesterday Chris and I started watching season 5 of Six Feet Under. We've been planning to watch it together for weeks now, and he ordered it on Netflix a long time ago. He got a message yesterday that discs 2, 3 and 4 were on their way, but there was a wait for disc 1. So, being probably as obsessive about it as I am, he went on a city-wide trek to find disc 1, but no one in town had it. When I got home from school at 3:30, I tried one last place, and they had it!!!! So I rushed to the Movie Store and picked it up, and went to Chris' house.
We're the biggest geeks. Before we started watching it, we walked to the gas station and got some snacks (beer, Gatorade, ice cream and peanuts). Then we pulled down the blinds and settled in on the couch for the first 2 episodes. We commented on how much we loved the opening sequence and when Lili Taylor's name popped up as a guest star, we both groaned. "That's not a character they need to bring back," Chris muttered. I agreed.
As the first episode began unfolding, everything seemed off. A little too stable, maybe. I started to get worried that maybe everyone on the show was too happy, or content, and the show had suddenly lost its steam. Who wants to watch Six Feet Under without neurosis, misery and suffering? That's what the show is all about. Turns out my fears were unfounded: within 20 minutes, the catastrophe and heartache were already being piled on. Whew. I breathed a sigh of relief. Brenda's still completely miserable, Nate's still a total shithead, Billy's still crazy. Ruth's character has seem to taken a very interesting turn towards bitterness and regret since last season ended, and I have to say I'm not crazy about the direction Clare's heading. But we all saw it coming. I hope it doesn't last. But Keith and David's relationship seems to have taken a sweet, tender turn, which makes me happy. They both need to get over themselves and just be fucking happy already. Or break up. Jesus. David had a great line in the first episode. One of their clients at the funeral home is a woman who died by getting stabbed in the eye by her husband. David took one look at her corpse and said, "That's what happens when couples don't learn how to fight." *Sigh*
I'm aware of a couple of pretty major plot points this season, and I'm very excited to get into it. I think Chris and I are going to try to have a marathon at some point over the weekend, or next week, maybe. We can both sit and watch at least 5 or 6 episodes at a time. I love it. Although I'll be really sad when it ends.
We're the biggest geeks. Before we started watching it, we walked to the gas station and got some snacks (beer, Gatorade, ice cream and peanuts). Then we pulled down the blinds and settled in on the couch for the first 2 episodes. We commented on how much we loved the opening sequence and when Lili Taylor's name popped up as a guest star, we both groaned. "That's not a character they need to bring back," Chris muttered. I agreed.
As the first episode began unfolding, everything seemed off. A little too stable, maybe. I started to get worried that maybe everyone on the show was too happy, or content, and the show had suddenly lost its steam. Who wants to watch Six Feet Under without neurosis, misery and suffering? That's what the show is all about. Turns out my fears were unfounded: within 20 minutes, the catastrophe and heartache were already being piled on. Whew. I breathed a sigh of relief. Brenda's still completely miserable, Nate's still a total shithead, Billy's still crazy. Ruth's character has seem to taken a very interesting turn towards bitterness and regret since last season ended, and I have to say I'm not crazy about the direction Clare's heading. But we all saw it coming. I hope it doesn't last. But Keith and David's relationship seems to have taken a sweet, tender turn, which makes me happy. They both need to get over themselves and just be fucking happy already. Or break up. Jesus. David had a great line in the first episode. One of their clients at the funeral home is a woman who died by getting stabbed in the eye by her husband. David took one look at her corpse and said, "That's what happens when couples don't learn how to fight." *Sigh*
I'm aware of a couple of pretty major plot points this season, and I'm very excited to get into it. I think Chris and I are going to try to have a marathon at some point over the weekend, or next week, maybe. We can both sit and watch at least 5 or 6 episodes at a time. I love it. Although I'll be really sad when it ends.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Kids these days are so sophisticated!
The other night as I was exiting the locker room of the gym at 24-Hour Fitness I ran into a classmate of mine, Cole, who was coming back into the locker room after a workout. I didn't notice him, but he said my name, and it took me a second to even remember who he was. He's this guy in my Spanish class that just seems like a typical dude, a jock, kind of a country boy, drives a pick-up, etc. I know these things because we reveal many personal details about ourselves in Spanish class. I'm serious.
Anyway, we chatted for a bit, and I asked him where he lived, since he was up at the Hancock 24-Hour, and he said on campus. When I suggested that it was a long drive all the way up here just to work out when there was a gym on campus, he kind of shrugged it off, saying he got a better workout here. Hmmm....
So I leave, thinking nothing of this exchange until later that night when I check my email and have a notification that Cole has "written" on my wall on Facebook. (A brief diversion: Facebook is sort of the university equivalent of MySpace, only you have to have a valid university email address to sign up, but it's worldwide. And it's big. I think everyone on this campus is on it. Including me, though I only have 2 "friends," because I only vaguely know about 2 people here. And "writing on someone's wall" is like posting a comment, where everyone can see it; it's not a secret message. It's public.)
So, Cole has written something along the lines of "I was surprised to run into you at the club tonight. I figured we would have run into each other somewhere else by now. Good luck on your Spanish test tomorrow."
WTF? What did he mean by he "figured we would have run into each other by now?" Where? So I check out his profile, and though it says he's interested in dating women (and he was born in 1985!!!), it also says his "current relationship status" is an "open relationship with...." and had some guy's name. John or something. So I click on that guy's profile, and he's a baseball player at Rice.
I must say, I was quite surprised by the whole ordeal. And slightly intrigued. Is this what the kids are doing these days?
Anyway, we chatted for a bit, and I asked him where he lived, since he was up at the Hancock 24-Hour, and he said on campus. When I suggested that it was a long drive all the way up here just to work out when there was a gym on campus, he kind of shrugged it off, saying he got a better workout here. Hmmm....
So I leave, thinking nothing of this exchange until later that night when I check my email and have a notification that Cole has "written" on my wall on Facebook. (A brief diversion: Facebook is sort of the university equivalent of MySpace, only you have to have a valid university email address to sign up, but it's worldwide. And it's big. I think everyone on this campus is on it. Including me, though I only have 2 "friends," because I only vaguely know about 2 people here. And "writing on someone's wall" is like posting a comment, where everyone can see it; it's not a secret message. It's public.)
So, Cole has written something along the lines of "I was surprised to run into you at the club tonight. I figured we would have run into each other somewhere else by now. Good luck on your Spanish test tomorrow."
WTF? What did he mean by he "figured we would have run into each other by now?" Where? So I check out his profile, and though it says he's interested in dating women (and he was born in 1985!!!), it also says his "current relationship status" is an "open relationship with...." and had some guy's name. John or something. So I click on that guy's profile, and he's a baseball player at Rice.
I must say, I was quite surprised by the whole ordeal. And slightly intrigued. Is this what the kids are doing these days?
Friday, March 24, 2006
I'm Waking Up to Us
In two months you-know-who and I will have been broken up for a year. I was talking to Brad about it on the phone the other night (I hope he doesn't mind my talking about this), and he said, "Doesn't it seem like the year that you were together was SO much longer than the year that you've been broken up?" And I was all, "Yes!" because I had just been thinkng that earlier.
I guess it can be attributed to a lot of things: this past year has brought a lot of pretty serious life changes, from having surgery to going to school to moving apartments to quitting my job. I think things like that just make time go by faster. But I also realized that my year with He Who Shall Remain Nameless was so fraught with anxiety and tension and second-guessing myself that I didn't even realize (which, I guess I do now, in retrospect) how unhappy that relationship made me in a lot of ways. Don't get me wrong, it was incredible and wonderful and fun and affirming in its own ways; I wouldn't trade that year for anything. And it just felt really, really good to actually be in love again, but overall I think it was probably pretty unhealthy (g'duh!).
Anyway, it's interesting to think back on those times and be able to come to this kind of intellectual discovery about them. It's weird. It doesn't make it hurt any less (and believe me, I'm still hurting), but at least I can be more objective about it now than I used to be able to.
I guess it can be attributed to a lot of things: this past year has brought a lot of pretty serious life changes, from having surgery to going to school to moving apartments to quitting my job. I think things like that just make time go by faster. But I also realized that my year with He Who Shall Remain Nameless was so fraught with anxiety and tension and second-guessing myself that I didn't even realize (which, I guess I do now, in retrospect) how unhappy that relationship made me in a lot of ways. Don't get me wrong, it was incredible and wonderful and fun and affirming in its own ways; I wouldn't trade that year for anything. And it just felt really, really good to actually be in love again, but overall I think it was probably pretty unhealthy (g'duh!).
Anyway, it's interesting to think back on those times and be able to come to this kind of intellectual discovery about them. It's weird. It doesn't make it hurt any less (and believe me, I'm still hurting), but at least I can be more objective about it now than I used to be able to.
I Just Might Find I'll be Killing Time for Eternity
Wow, I suppose it's been awhile, hasn't it? 2 weeks, to be exact. My "new" laptop has been all kinds of fucked up, and after taking it to the stupid fucking "Genius Bar" at the Apple store in the Barton Creek mall three times last week, on Saturday they finally sent it off to be repaired. But I got it back last night, and everything seems to be working beautifully, including the new keyboard and my new Airport card I bought for it. Having true wireless is very exciting. But I suppose that's a bad excuse, as I have access to computers at school (where I am now, in fact) and the library.
To be honest, I've been quite busy and had lots going on, but I feel really weird about all of it for some reason. Greedy, I guess, like I just don't feel like sharing much these days. Partly I guess it just doesn't seem like it would be that interesting to people, but partly I've also just been very wrapped up in my own head.
Collier left yesterday to go back to California. I'm inordinately sad about it, but the full heft of not being able to call her up and see if she wants to have dinner, or have her call me to drink whisky and play pool (or whatever) hasn't yet sunk in, I don't think. I'm used to her coming and going, but she was here for almost a year this last time, and I got really comfortable having her around. But she needs to move on, even though I already miss the shit out of her.
I've also gone to 2 orientation sessions for some volunteer work I'm going to start doing with Project Transitions, and in turn, Doug's House and at Roosevelt Gardens. This was all originally through the GLBTSA club at school, but ironically enough, none of them showed up to the orientations (it's ironic, I guess, because I haven't gone to a single GLBTSA meeting, though I'm on their mailing list, and their President is in my Personality class and I talk to him occasionally). They only do them once a month, so everyone else from the club that's interested is supposed to be going to those. Anyway, at Roosevelt Gardens we were planning to do some general maintenance, upkeep, landscaping, stuff like that, and provide a monthly meal/social gathering for the residents to come and mingle with one another and get out of their apartments. We're helping to foster a sense of community there. A lot of people living there have gone through some really rough times, and feel very isolated from their friends and families and are trying to get back on their feet from some pretty devastating blows, so anything we can do to help facilitate that would be nice.
Independently, however, I also want to start volunteering at Doug's House, which is a hospice. The work there would certainly be less glamourous and much more taxing, both emotionally and physically, but it also seems quite rewarding. They're both run by the same people, and there's a special orientation for that one on Saturday, which I unfortunately can't attend because I'm working. But I can go to the one next month. It's a little scary deciding to commit my time to this stuff, for a lot of reasons. There are risks, both emotional and physical (though having sex, with anyone, is probably riskier than working at Doug's House, even though "exposure" is possible, and does happen), but I think it will be worth it. If nothing else, I need to start padding my resume, and secondly, I need to start getting experience with this stuff and learning how to really deal with it on a day-to-day, reality-based basis. I do, in fact, deal with it in my life on a day-to-day basis now, as many of you know, but it's a little bit different than in this capacity.
Anyway, Clay was here last week for SXSW, and stayed with me for a few days. It was nice seeing him again. I acted in one of Laura's films (in a part she wrote just for me - "A slight gay man, wearing a spectacular pair of aviator sunglasses" -) which is nice. And it was fun to shoot.
Hmmm. I can't really think of much else to write about. There's 5 weeks in Mexico coming up, which will be really fun, I think. But it's about time to get to class, so that will have to wait.
Also, Karen's coming in tonight, and staying with me!!!!!!!! I'm so excited. We barely got to talk at all last time she was here, but tonight will be a whole night of talking, whisky and cuddling. I can't wait.
To be honest, I've been quite busy and had lots going on, but I feel really weird about all of it for some reason. Greedy, I guess, like I just don't feel like sharing much these days. Partly I guess it just doesn't seem like it would be that interesting to people, but partly I've also just been very wrapped up in my own head.
Collier left yesterday to go back to California. I'm inordinately sad about it, but the full heft of not being able to call her up and see if she wants to have dinner, or have her call me to drink whisky and play pool (or whatever) hasn't yet sunk in, I don't think. I'm used to her coming and going, but she was here for almost a year this last time, and I got really comfortable having her around. But she needs to move on, even though I already miss the shit out of her.
I've also gone to 2 orientation sessions for some volunteer work I'm going to start doing with Project Transitions, and in turn, Doug's House and at Roosevelt Gardens. This was all originally through the GLBTSA club at school, but ironically enough, none of them showed up to the orientations (it's ironic, I guess, because I haven't gone to a single GLBTSA meeting, though I'm on their mailing list, and their President is in my Personality class and I talk to him occasionally). They only do them once a month, so everyone else from the club that's interested is supposed to be going to those. Anyway, at Roosevelt Gardens we were planning to do some general maintenance, upkeep, landscaping, stuff like that, and provide a monthly meal/social gathering for the residents to come and mingle with one another and get out of their apartments. We're helping to foster a sense of community there. A lot of people living there have gone through some really rough times, and feel very isolated from their friends and families and are trying to get back on their feet from some pretty devastating blows, so anything we can do to help facilitate that would be nice.
Independently, however, I also want to start volunteering at Doug's House, which is a hospice. The work there would certainly be less glamourous and much more taxing, both emotionally and physically, but it also seems quite rewarding. They're both run by the same people, and there's a special orientation for that one on Saturday, which I unfortunately can't attend because I'm working. But I can go to the one next month. It's a little scary deciding to commit my time to this stuff, for a lot of reasons. There are risks, both emotional and physical (though having sex, with anyone, is probably riskier than working at Doug's House, even though "exposure" is possible, and does happen), but I think it will be worth it. If nothing else, I need to start padding my resume, and secondly, I need to start getting experience with this stuff and learning how to really deal with it on a day-to-day, reality-based basis. I do, in fact, deal with it in my life on a day-to-day basis now, as many of you know, but it's a little bit different than in this capacity.
Anyway, Clay was here last week for SXSW, and stayed with me for a few days. It was nice seeing him again. I acted in one of Laura's films (in a part she wrote just for me - "A slight gay man, wearing a spectacular pair of aviator sunglasses" -) which is nice. And it was fun to shoot.
Hmmm. I can't really think of much else to write about. There's 5 weeks in Mexico coming up, which will be really fun, I think. But it's about time to get to class, so that will have to wait.
Also, Karen's coming in tonight, and staying with me!!!!!!!! I'm so excited. We barely got to talk at all last time she was here, but tonight will be a whole night of talking, whisky and cuddling. I can't wait.
Friday, March 10, 2006
Ear Nose & Throat, part Dos
Firstoff, I want to apologize forthe way this looks. The spacebar on my computer that I'veonly had for 2 weeks is already sticking and it'sa huge pain in theass. Luckily the refurbs have warranties so I'mtaking it in this weekend.
Secondly, i spent 3hours in the emergency room this afternoon. About 2 months ago I was having a lovely Friday night dinner at Thai Passion with Kurt, Meredith and Bill, when the underside ofmy tongue on the left side starting burning as if I had a spice caught underneath it or something. And then my gland started swelling. Up to about the size of a ping-pong ball. After about 20 minutes it went down and I didn't think much more of it.
Jump to several weeks later, againwith Kurt & Meredith, eating pizza, and it happens again. This time, however, it went down even quicker than before, so again, Ijust shrugged it off.
Today, however, I was eating breakfast at home before class, and it starts happening again, only it never really goes down. So after about 5 hours (after I get out ofclass and go to work and tell them I need to leave), I take myself tothe emergency room.
After I wait for 2 and a half hours, I meet with a doctor for about 3 minutes who looks inside my mouth and tellsme I need to see an ear, nose & throat specialist. So I guess I'm gonna go see the guy next week that did my surgery for me last summer.
Anyway, turns out I have a blocked salivary gland on my left side. Which means that, much like a kidney stone, whenever I eat, and my gland produces saliva, it's clogged onthat side and instead of the saliva going into my mouth where it's supposed to be, it just builds up in my gland, thus causing it to inflate. The doctor said there was no infection, and was probably just some kind of blockage. I can probably flush it out by sucking on lemons or sour candy, but if not, it may require surgery. Let's hope to god it doesn't come to that.
It's pretty gross, but it doesn't particularly hurt, or inhibit my breathing, so I guess it's not a huge crisis. But it is uncomfortable and a little scary.
Secondly, i spent 3hours in the emergency room this afternoon. About 2 months ago I was having a lovely Friday night dinner at Thai Passion with Kurt, Meredith and Bill, when the underside ofmy tongue on the left side starting burning as if I had a spice caught underneath it or something. And then my gland started swelling. Up to about the size of a ping-pong ball. After about 20 minutes it went down and I didn't think much more of it.
Jump to several weeks later, againwith Kurt & Meredith, eating pizza, and it happens again. This time, however, it went down even quicker than before, so again, Ijust shrugged it off.
Today, however, I was eating breakfast at home before class, and it starts happening again, only it never really goes down. So after about 5 hours (after I get out ofclass and go to work and tell them I need to leave), I take myself tothe emergency room.
After I wait for 2 and a half hours, I meet with a doctor for about 3 minutes who looks inside my mouth and tellsme I need to see an ear, nose & throat specialist. So I guess I'm gonna go see the guy next week that did my surgery for me last summer.
Anyway, turns out I have a blocked salivary gland on my left side. Which means that, much like a kidney stone, whenever I eat, and my gland produces saliva, it's clogged onthat side and instead of the saliva going into my mouth where it's supposed to be, it just builds up in my gland, thus causing it to inflate. The doctor said there was no infection, and was probably just some kind of blockage. I can probably flush it out by sucking on lemons or sour candy, but if not, it may require surgery. Let's hope to god it doesn't come to that.
It's pretty gross, but it doesn't particularly hurt, or inhibit my breathing, so I guess it's not a huge crisis. But it is uncomfortable and a little scary.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Overheard at St. Edwards
Girl: I'm gonna get alocohol poisoning. What's that called?
Boy: What?
Girl: Like, when your body starts rejecting alcohol?
Boy: Really drunk?
Undergrads are fucking awesome.
And on a self-congratulatory note, all of my professors submitted progress reports for me this week, and I have A's in all of my classes!
Also, if anyone's interested, Pink is the New Blog currently has some interesting links up. Well, maybe not that interesting, but definitely H.O.T. If you're into that sort of sleazy celebrity porn thing. Get 'em while they're hot.
Boy: What?
Girl: Like, when your body starts rejecting alcohol?
Boy: Really drunk?
Undergrads are fucking awesome.
And on a self-congratulatory note, all of my professors submitted progress reports for me this week, and I have A's in all of my classes!
Also, if anyone's interested, Pink is the New Blog currently has some interesting links up. Well, maybe not that interesting, but definitely H.O.T. If you're into that sort of sleazy celebrity porn thing. Get 'em while they're hot.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Escape to New York
So, I've decided: I'm moving to New York this summer. Not permanently, just for the summer. In all likelihood, just for July and August, in fact. Collier is going to be house-sitting for her friend Ruth, who is going to be in Argentina all summer. Collier needs a roommate, and Ruth lives in Prospect Heights, so the chips are already falling into place. The only logistical hurdle I see is subletting my apartment for 2 months. But hopefully that won't be a problem. And what to do with Littlejeans. I'm a little concerned about that as well.
I love Austin, but sometimes (well, just lately) I feel like I'm being slowly suffocated here. I haven't spent any significant amount of time outside of this city in 7 years and I desperately need a change of scenery, some new stimulation. In the past I've had a habit of running away from things I don't want to deal with, and since "settling" here in Austin, I haven't really felt that urge too too much. But I'm feeling it now. I don't want to move, so I think just spending the summer someplace else would be just the trick. It's an exciting prospect and I'm really looking forward to it. I have somewhat of a love/hate relationship with New York, and last time I was there was August, and I thought it was miserable. So hopefully I'll be thrilled to return to Austin in September, rejuvenated and refreshed, happy to be Home.
I love Austin, but sometimes (well, just lately) I feel like I'm being slowly suffocated here. I haven't spent any significant amount of time outside of this city in 7 years and I desperately need a change of scenery, some new stimulation. In the past I've had a habit of running away from things I don't want to deal with, and since "settling" here in Austin, I haven't really felt that urge too too much. But I'm feeling it now. I don't want to move, so I think just spending the summer someplace else would be just the trick. It's an exciting prospect and I'm really looking forward to it. I have somewhat of a love/hate relationship with New York, and last time I was there was August, and I thought it was miserable. So hopefully I'll be thrilled to return to Austin in September, rejuvenated and refreshed, happy to be Home.
The best compliment I've ever received....?
If someone who's met me only 4 times can say to me, "You have more truth and hope in you than probably anyone else I've ever met," then I think I'll be all right.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Sums up the spirit of the day....
I hope Collier won't mind my sharing, but she sent me the most perfect Valentine greeting ever. Especially in light of recent events....
Seriously. The best ever. I love her more than can ever be expressed for always having the perfect thing.
Seriously. The best ever. I love her more than can ever be expressed for always having the perfect thing.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
More Pretend Boyfriends*
For some reason, I think I'm totally in love with Ryan Reynolds. I just caught like, the last 45 minutes of this monster on Oxygen.
While the movie, obvs, was terrible, I found Ryan utterly watchable every second that he was on the screen. And we all know how I feel about Just Friends.
*copyright Kris.
While the movie, obvs, was terrible, I found Ryan utterly watchable every second that he was on the screen. And we all know how I feel about Just Friends.
*copyright Kris.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Parental Advisory Warning
I had about a 45-minute meeting this morning with a professor in the English department about my short story I gave him last week. I gave it to my Lit professor first, and he had wonderful things to say about it, and recommended that I let this other guy read it. Which he did. It was very sweet of him to do so, as I'm not even one of his students; he had no idea who I was when I walked into his office and out of the blue asked him if he would read my short story and give me feedback. Which he did. It was very thoughtful and instructive, and I could tell he spent a lot of time on it, as the margins were full of notes.
But he said he liked the story very much, found it "moving" and "sad," and said that I wrote "elegant sentences." But he also had a lot of recommendations, and while even he admitted they were mostly "cosmetic," urged me to really think about them and take them or leave them. Then he gave me the name of the new head of the "fiction" branch of the English department, and told me to have him read it, and see what he thought about the suggested recommendations. Which I'm going to do this week.
This is why I love school. This guy also seemed to think that, despite the very explicit nature of the story, that I should have no problem finding some literary journals to publish it, as long as I did my research and sent to ones whose editors liked "edgier, more boundary-pushing material" (his words). I left his office filled with glee.
I also got my written essay exam from my Lit class back today that I took on Friday. We had 50 minutes to write 3 essays about 2 short stories and a novel, and I was pretty worried about how I did. Turns out I got a 98.
Today's been a good day.
But he said he liked the story very much, found it "moving" and "sad," and said that I wrote "elegant sentences." But he also had a lot of recommendations, and while even he admitted they were mostly "cosmetic," urged me to really think about them and take them or leave them. Then he gave me the name of the new head of the "fiction" branch of the English department, and told me to have him read it, and see what he thought about the suggested recommendations. Which I'm going to do this week.
This is why I love school. This guy also seemed to think that, despite the very explicit nature of the story, that I should have no problem finding some literary journals to publish it, as long as I did my research and sent to ones whose editors liked "edgier, more boundary-pushing material" (his words). I left his office filled with glee.
I also got my written essay exam from my Lit class back today that I took on Friday. We had 50 minutes to write 3 essays about 2 short stories and a novel, and I was pretty worried about how I did. Turns out I got a 98.
Today's been a good day.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
And he stumbled over his words in the most endearing way
Who is this man in front of me? He sounds like a redneck and who the hell has ever heard of DeSoto, Texas? He wore a brown belt with black shoes.
But we 2-stepped and sang along to George Strait. At first we were stepping all over each other, but eventually we got into a groove and even got comfortable doing twirls. We were all over that dance floor.
We ended up talking about James Baldwin and Ayn Rand. He was married once for a year and a half when he was 23. Funny.
I got to the St. Edwards library 3 minutes before they closed in order to print out my paper that's due tomorrow morning at 8, because we spent so much time kissing in his car.
"I wasn't expecting that."
We argued about who lunged for who first. Ultimately it doesn't matter.
I ran into my therapist. We chatted for a bit. Goddamn, I miss that guy. He's so awesome.
Good night.
But we 2-stepped and sang along to George Strait. At first we were stepping all over each other, but eventually we got into a groove and even got comfortable doing twirls. We were all over that dance floor.
We ended up talking about James Baldwin and Ayn Rand. He was married once for a year and a half when he was 23. Funny.
I got to the St. Edwards library 3 minutes before they closed in order to print out my paper that's due tomorrow morning at 8, because we spent so much time kissing in his car.
"I wasn't expecting that."
We argued about who lunged for who first. Ultimately it doesn't matter.
I ran into my therapist. We chatted for a bit. Goddamn, I miss that guy. He's so awesome.
Good night.
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