"This is me, this is what you get!"

So, I had a dream last night that I lived next door to Brenda from Six Feet Under. Not just the actress, but the actual character of Brenda. I was hanging out at her house before work, for some reason, and we were watching The OC. I said I needed to leave to go get some coffee, but she made me some kind of crazy coffee/granola drink so I wouldn't leave. I felt very comfortable there, and just couldn't drag myself to work. I love Brenda. I wish I could be friends with her, and marry David. Although he would prolly drive me nuts.

Am I pathetic enough yet?

Capital One can suck it.

Yesterday when I pulled into my driveway, there was a large, manila envelope sticking out the top of my mailbox. Sure that it was my acceptance letter from St. Edwards, I lept from the car, not even bothering to turn it off, my heart racing, only to discover that it was nothing but the umpteenth credit card offer I'd received in the past 3 weeks from Capital One. For some reason, they've started sending them to me in large, manila envelopes. Way to crush a boy's dreams, Capital One, you rat bastards. You won't give me a credit card anyway; I tried a few weeks ago.

Other than that, life isn't too eventful. Karen has stayed with me the last 2 nights, since her bed now lives at my house, as of last Sunday. She's been very gracious about my cover-stealing, even though my house is downright frigid in the mornings. On Saturday, I got a beautiful new sheet and comforter set from Crate & Barrel, that was something, like, 60% off. A $300 set I got for $127. I was thrilled. Even though they've been washed, they're still a bit scratchy and stiff, but I'm sure that will wear off soon enough.

I had sort of a date/non-date on Sunday. It was okay; certainly no sparks, but that's all right. On the drive home I realized that, even though I really want to be, I'm just not in a dating place yet. And with school starting and all that, who wants to be attached? Not me. Last night at Stacy Schoolfield's house, she suddenly got very excited remembering 3 different guys she knew of that she wanted to hook me up with. I had to graciously decline, but it was very sweet of her to think of me. But the date/non-date guy belongs to an all-gay book club that he invited me to join, which might be fun. Their next meeting is on the 12th of December, and the reading assignment is Other Voices, Other Rooms by Capote. I've actually started this book twice, and never got very far, but I started it again yesterday, and it's started hooking me in this time. I had to set aside Tropic of Cancer to start it, but that's okay, because I'm almost 100 pages into it, and still have no idea what's going on. Has anyone else out there read it? If so, is it worth sludging through? Methinks not, but I could be wrong. And the reading assignment for January is A Million Little Pieces, by James Frey, which I've already read, so maybe if I enjoy myself at this month's meeting, I'll attend next month's as well. I didn't care much for Pieces, but I'd be very curious to hear what a big group of homos all think of it.

Thanksgiving, mm-hmm.

So yesterday was Turkey Day, and it was great. Collier graciously hosted at her place. It was her, me, Karen, Collier's mom, then eventually Ann and Dylan, then for an after-dinner treat, Nisha, with amazing chocolate chip cookies that tasted like a stick of butter with chocolate chips stuck in it. We surmised yesterday that we probably all ate about 2 sticks of butter each. Which was fine by all of us. Butter is one of the greatest things on Earth. After dinner we all just got fat and lazy; we watched part of Survivor, then Will and Grace, then some awful special on Animal Planet about cats that do funny things. Incredibly, it was an hour-long special, but was pretty much the apex of mental stimulation of which we were capable at that point. At that point we had mulled cider with whiskey. It should have been cold outside, but it wasn't. So we pretended it was, and that made the cider more special. Another thing that made this year very special was the fact that Collier, graciously again, allowed me to usurp her job as the reacher-in-the-turkey-ass and puller-out-of-everything-inside. I'd never done this before, and was hesitant (I don't know why; I have plenty of experience with sticking things up assholes), but was actually quite disappointed to find that it had already been cleaned out. Aside from the actual act of fisting the turkey, there was no joy to be had in ripping its guts out. Oh well. Maybe next year.

I also realized on Wednesday night why it's dangerous for someone like me to have cable. I basically use it for companionship, and I guess that can get dangerous, as evidenced by my newfound addiction to America's Next Top Model. It's just as vapid as anything, but for some reason, a collection of nothing but girls, with no men involved, takes the bitchiness and backstabbing and petty complaining that much more compelling. It is pretty fascinating how a bunch of beautiful bitches totally turn on one another and form their little "alliances," and how hurt they all are when any of them is "betrayed," which means Jayla actually had a conversaton with Bre, when Jayla is supposed to be on Kim's side, or whatever. Incidentally, Kim got eliminated last week, when it was down to her and Bre, which I actually found pretty shocking. Bre is such a bitch, and frankly, she seems very unstable and possibly dangerous. Furthermore, she's not that pretty. Another Naomi Campbell in the making. And I only say that because they're both black. ha ha. And INSANE!

Anyway, I'm at work today, unfortunately. My supervisor just bought everybody chips and queso from Taco Cabana at 9:30 in the morning. Weird. I think he might be providing lunch, too, but I'm not sure. But I'll be out of here at 3:30. I have a date/non-date on Sunday night, which I'm actually really looking forward to, which means I think I want it to be a date. We'll see.

and even I'm gettin' tired of useless desires

So, yeah, I guess it's been awhile. Just symptomatic of my mental state the last few weeks, I guess. I've just felt very isolated and disconnected in a lot of ways. Very in my own head, slightly hermetic. It's not necessarily a bad thing. But I'm coming back around, so you better watch out!

This last week has been filled with a lot of anticipation, not the least of which is waiting to hear back from St. Edwards regarding my application. I'm sure I'll have no problem getting in, but after my debacle with UT, I'm just worried. But I'm very excited about the prospects. I can't even begin to imagine how wonderfully amazing and liberating it's going to be the morning that I get to walk into work and put in my notice. Ah! It makes beam from ear to ear just thinking about it.

But other than that, I haven't really been up to much, honestly. Doing a lot of reading, thinking. I feel positive about most things overall, I just feel like I'm killing a lot of idle time right now, waiting for something to happen, instead of going out there and really making it happen. But in small ways, I'm making things happen. That's all I need right now: small gestures.

I'll try to post more regularly again on this thing, but as I said before, I don't even know who reads this. Should I even bother? But as I also said, I'm doing it mostly just for me, so I guess I should, even though I feel weird writing about much of what is actually on my mind these days. Another dilemma: how much am I comfortable revealing? Not very much, right now. That's why I've been so silent. But maybe forcing myself to post about things that don't necessarily plunge my psychic depths will be good for me. I spend too much time down there these days!

i'm either so sick in the head i need to be bled dry to quit, or i just really used to love him. i sure hope that's it.

KB and I had dinner and then drinks together last night and just had a giant bitch-fest, and it felt wonderful. There was no judgement, no holding back, really. We just let it all out. Not about each other, but about everything else that's been bothering, or irritating, or depressing, either one of us. Things maybe we're a little ashamed to actually be feeling, but do anyway. Jealousies, resentments, sadnesses. It's good to have friends like that, where you can just totally let it go and say whatever you want, and even if they don't feel the exact same way (but it's always better if they do), know that they won't hold it against you, or judge you for it, or think that you're a terrible, selfish, bitter, wounded person. We all have these thoughts; just no one ever wants to admit it. I hope that no matter whatever happens in my life, or how happy, or fulfilled, or whatever, I might ever become, that I never lose my fatalism. I hope I always keep that edge of cynical skepticism. For better or for worse, I think that's partially what defines me and my personality. Without it, I have no idea who I would be. Fatalism. Yeah, it's good.

At Starbucks this morning the new counter-guy was clearly flirting with me. Too bad he had a goatee and wasn't that cute. It still made my day. I got to smile and flirt back and be really friendly at 6:30 in the morning.