Showing posts with label College. Show all posts
Showing posts with label College. Show all posts

Friday, June 13, 2008

Old habits die hard



Some people say that in relationships, timing is everything, above all else. I don't completely believe this, but I don't disbelieve it, either. We bring to every relationship we form the sum of all of our experience, along with our current situations. And if we can't imagine our lives having turned out any differently than they are now, most likely it all has to do with one or two decisions we made, perhaps haphazardly or impuslvely, a long time ago.

Which is why "fate" is bullshit. Any of our lives could just as easily have gone a totally different direction if we hadn't ask that person for their phone number, or moved to a different city, or not gone out for drinks one night. It's sort of too overwhelming to think about, but it's something I tend to obssess about. Rather needlessly, of course.

Some very close friends of mine that I respect 100% recently undertook the viewing of Six Feet Under.

Anyone who knows me at all knows that SFU is kind of like my religion. It is what allowed me to be born again. I'll spare you the details (of course, if you've been reading this blog for the past 3 years, you already know the details....), but suffice to say, SFU pretty much ranks right up there with being born as one of the greatest things that ever happened to me. It literally changed my life: it opened up a whole new world to me, and totally altered my philosophy.

But I was also in the deepest, darkest trenches of emotional warfare at the time, fighting a losing battle against enemy insurgents in my brain that wanted to kill me. And SFU was a revelation. Why it was a revelation is too much to get into at the moment, but it was.

And the thing about my friends watching the show is this: they don't really care for it. I haven't discussed it in detail with them because I'm a coward and don't have the stamina for it (and I wouldn't want to put words in their mouths anyway), but I think they find it silly, pretentious and maybe slightly laughable.

Hmmm.

I know I'm overanalyzing here (surprise!), but if they see so very little of what I see when I watch that show, then what can that possibly mean?

Probably very little, actually. It's a fucking TV show.

But it's my TV show!!! It's what inspired me to change my life and become a therapist and go back to school. Hell, it even inspired me to practice a particular kind of therapy.

But maybe....just maybe....

If I saw the show now for the first time, assuming that my life were still in the same place it is now, would it still mean as much to me?

Hard to say, but probably not. I bet I would still like it a whole lot, though. When you find something (or someone) that speaks to you so profoundly, it's impossible to separate that from the circumstances or history.

It just is, it just does. So I can't hardly blame my friends for not seeing in Six Feet Under the same magic that I did: our lives and situations while watching it couldn't be more different. There's nothing more to be read into it than that.

Of course, I still think they're wrong and I still find it disappointing, but there is no deeper meaning than that.

A relationship with a TV show, or any piece of art, can be as complicated (or as simple) as any relationship with a person. It all depends on where you are, where you've been, and where you're going.

Plain as that.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

What I learned at Southwestern


The "panel" on which I sat in my professor's class at Southwestern on Monday ended up being just myself and a woman, a Chicana lesbian professor from St. Edward's. For an hour and a half.

When I was a student at Stedward's, anytime I had to get up in front of my peers (i.e., classmates) to do anything, whether it was a presentation, leading a discussion, debating, whatever, I was always a nervous wreck. I was so afraid of looking stupid or being judged or everyone just thinking I was an idiot. I always conflated this phenomenon in my head with my fervent desire to be a teacher, and have been wondering how in the world I intend to stand up in front of classes every day and teach when I get that nervous.

Well, as it turns out, maybe I have nothing to worry about. On Monday, I was totally at ease. I never got nervous, even as I was sitting in front of the class while the students slowly filed in and got comfy. One by one they entered, and yet, not a raised pulse rate among me.

This didn't even really occur to me until after it was all over. I spoke well; I made them laugh; they asked me questions; I never stumbled over myself; I didn't say anything stupid, or fart. Although I did say "fuck" twice.

But I realized on the way home that I didn't get nervous because I didn't consider those students my peers. I was the "authority," so to speak, and they were there to learn from me, and I was just some dude that came in for a class.

Which gave me a lot more hope for being a great teacher.

Which, by the way, I think I would be.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

I've never been on a panel before....

Yesterday I received an email from one of my professors who's teaching a Human Sexuality class for a summer session at Southwestern. It's the same class I took last semester at St. Ed's. Anyway, they're putting together another GLBT panel to come speak to the class of undergrads and he wanted to know if I would be interested in representing the "gay male" aspect of the panel. Of course I said yes. He wants me to talk about my coming out experiences and that sort of thing.

I know it probably seems a little passe at this point to have a "gay panel." I mean, doesn't everybody know gay people now? Well, one would think, but especially with young people, and especially in Texas, I don't think that's the case. I heard some antecdotal stories last night about some UT undergrads who clearly knew nothing about real gay people's lives.

It should be fun. And we all know how much I love to talk about myself, so it's perfect.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Learning to think....?

In the June issue of the Atlantic (which unfortunately isn't online yet, so I can't link to it), there's an article by "Professor X" who teaches English Comp at a private college, and a community college in the Northeast (both, of course, unnamed, though I'd love to know what the private college is). The gist of the article is that he teaches English Comp to adults, many of whom have been in the workforce for 20 years or more, who need some college credits to either move ahead in their current jobs, or their jobs are requiring them to take some Comp classes. A lot of them are even public service jobs, like sheriffs, or they're insurance billers, whose employers have decided these people need to learn how to write research papers for some reason.

It's a "college of last resort," according to Professor X, and many of these people, he says, are completely incapable of doing high school work, much less college work. A big part of his job involves failing hardworking individuals who have to take his class 2 or 3 times sometimes, but who nevertheless cannot construct a coherent sentence to save their lives.

One example he gives is of "Ms. L," a middle-aged woman he had to fail, and one of the few instances where he lost sleep over it, and briefly considered passing her for her own sake, but then decided against it. She was supposed to write a research paper on an historical controversy, but had never even sat in front of a computer, much less done research and written a paper. After sifting through several topics, she settled on gun control, though the professor warned her it could not be a paper about the pros and cons of gun control, but could be a paper about the historical significance of perhaps a specific piece of gun control legislation.

Needless to say, the paper she turned in was a discussion of the pros and cons of gun control. At least, I think that was the subject. There was no real thesis. The paper often lapsed into incoherence. Sentences broke off in the middle of a line and resumed on the next one, with the first word inappropriately capitalized. There was some wavering between single-and double-spacing. She did quote articles, but cited only databases-where were the journals themselves? The paper was also too short: a bad job and such small portions.


The professor basically goes on to say that some people simply aren't cut out to go to college, despite the elitism and snobbery that reeks of. He of course cites the British system, briefly, of its tracks of college or apprenticeship, which I, personally, believe isn't such a terrible thing.

It's so hard, though, for me to put myself in the position of these people. Reading, analysis, literature and writing have always been second-nature to me. But I'm terrible, terrible at math. In my Statistics class, I studied and studied and struggled and struggled, and still barely eeked out a C, but I know many people for whom doing math is like breathing. So who am I to judge? But I also don't think that I just "can't do" math. I think a lot of it is conditioning. I think a lot of it is learned experience, from having done so poorly at math my whole life simply because I wasn't interested in it, and therefor didn't really try, but it set in motion a path for failure. I convinced myself that I just wasn't a "math person," but that's ridiculous.

I have very mixed feelings about academia. I think it serves a valuable purpose, but not what most people might think, and not for everyone. The primary thing I finally learned in college (at St. Edward's; I can't really say I learned much of anything at the University of Arkansas or at the Art Institute, but again, that's my own fault) was how to think and express myself critically, which is not something I think I had a firm grasp on before I started school. I learned nothing, really, of facts, or from multiple-choice tests given by lazy professors, because I barely cracked open a textbook in my entire school career (despite paying hundreds of dollars for them). The only thing I ever learned came from doing research papers, and it was a gradual and continuous process. I really don't believe anyone can learn to write in one class; that's absurd. Perhaps someone can be given an appreciation of learning, and then go seek their own knowledge from one class, but again, it's doubtful. I had approximately 4 or 5 classes in over two years at St. Edward's where I thought the teachers did an outstanding job of actually teaching, and encouraging the students to think outside their own comfort zones and come to appreciate the art of questioning and seeking truth, futile as it might sometimes be, for its own sake, and not for the sake of memorizing useless facts for a final. And considering that I plan to enter a profession that involves a whole lot of thinking, introspection, seeking, and analysis, that worked out well, for the most part.

But I, and Professor X, acknowledge that's not for everyone, nor should it be. He writes:

America, ever-idealistic, seems wary of the vocational-education track. We are not comfortable limiting anyone's options. Telling someone that college is not for him seems harsh and classist and British, as though we were sentencing him to a life in the coal mines. I sympathize with this stance; I subscribe to the American ideal. Unfortunately, it is with me and my red pen that that ideal crashes and burns.

For I, who teach these low-level, must-pass, no-multiple-choice-test classes, am the one who ultimately delivers the news to those unfit for college: that they lack the most-basic skills and have no sense of the volume of work required; that they are in some cases barely literate; that they are so bereft of schemata, so dispossessed of contexts in which to place newly acquired knowledge, that every bit of information simply raises more questions. They are not ready for high school, some of them, much less for college.

I am the man who has to lower the hammer.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

I may not be good at very much, but one thing I can do is write.

I turned in the first 16 pages of my thesis last week and got them back last night. I was really scared to look at my grade; this paper is notoriously graded very hard and the school wants you to be able to use it for grad school, so they put a lot of pressure on you to write a good one.

Well, I got a 94, which according to my professor, is quite good, as it's pretty rare to even reward on A on this draft of the paper to begin with. So I was quite pleased, and my professor had a lot of good things to say.

Lucky for you, if you want to read the paper, you can do so now! This is the Intro, Background, and the presentation of the 2 sides to the controversy. Before the paper is done, I will a critical analysis of both arguments, interviews, and a moral reasoning argument to support my ultimate opinion on the matter.

My paper is on conversion therapy, or, "ex-gay" reparative therapy. Enjoy!

...

In 1948, Alfred Kinsey estimated that at least 10% of the male population was exclusively homosexual for at least three years of their adult lives (qtd. in Haldeman 221). While no data of that sort exists today, many people estimate that number is probably still accurate, or, if anything, a little low. Gay rights and visibility have increased tremendously just in the last twenty years, and societal acceptance is at a level never seen before. Even among evangelical Christians, typically the most socially conservative group of people in the nation, 80% of people under 30 say that “anti-homosexual” describes Christianity, and that 76% oppose gay marriage, as opposed to 81% of those over 30 (Barna).

In 2004, however, in one day, over eleven states voted to constitutionally ban same-sex marriage (Reid), and hate crimes against gay and lesbian individuals actually increased between 2005 and 2006 (FBI). And despite marriage or a civil-union equivalent being legal in ten states, the United States is still a very divided country when it comes to gay and lesbian individuals.

Conversion therapy, as we know it today, is the attempt, generally through psychoanalysis, to convert homosexually identified individuals, both male and female, into heterosexually identified individuals (Johnston and Jenkins 62). It is also known as ex-gay reparative therapy (Throckmorton 4), and, sometimes, as “transformational ministry” (American Psychological Association 3). It is a process that has existed since roughly the end of the 19th century, when the term “homosexual” was first coined by Hungarian writer Karl Maria Kerbeny, ironically, in a pamphlet arguing for the civil rights of those who engaged in homosexual acts (Murphy 501). The primary crux for the defense of conversion therapy, particularly today, is that homosexuality is a freely chosen personality quirk, subject to the whim of suggestion or a disordered condition (Haldeman 260). Individuals may not realize that they have chosen it, arising as it does, so the suggestion goes, from a form of arrested psychosexual development (Haldeman 260). Many proponents of conversion therapy attribute this arrested development to an incomplete bond with the appropriate same-sex parent, and seek out relationships with individuals of the same gender in an attempt to recreate and stabilize that broken, or incomplete, bond (Haldeman 260). The underlying factor in this pronouncement is that the root causes of homosexuality are known, and that it is an undesirable “condition” or state in which to exist (Morrow and Beckstead 643). In conversion therapy, homosexuality is narrowly defined as little more than a series, or pattern, of behaviors, and rarely takes into account a client’s inner life, or chooses to blatantly disregard it (Haldeman 261). A number of individuals having completed conversion therapy reported continuing having homosexual fantasies, but not acting on them, thereby legitimately claiming a heterosexual identity (Haldeman 261). In theory, conversion therapy helps a client manage his or her homoerotic fantasies in order to live in, and maintain, a functioning heterosexual lifestyle (Haldeman 261). Barring an inability to control these fantasies or live heterosexually, celibacy is most often the recommended and desired outcome (Haldeman 224). At best, 38% of overall conversion therapy clients end up with “solid heterosexual shifts,” which also represent, typically, an adjustment in life, not a complete “metamorphosis” (Haldeman 223). Some of even this small number may be ambiguous, however, as further studies have shown that the greatest success came to those clients whose sexual lives and behavior already contained significant heteroerotic content, thus making them much more likely to be defined as bisexual as opposed to completely heterosexual (Haldeman 221). A commonly used metaphor is one of the drug abuser: after treatment, an ex-user may still sometimes crave drugs, but as long as he or she doesn’t actually use any, then the individual is still an “ex” drug user, despite the cravings (Beckstead 93).

That the medical and psychological establishment has not only provided no intrinsic properties to identify homosexuality as a pathology, but has outright renounced the idea that it is any more than another diversity on the broad human spectrum of diversities, means little to those who practice and preach conversion therapies (Haldeman 225). The primary objections to conversion therapy rest on the fact that homosexuality has been judged not to be an illness, and that it reinforces a prejudiced view of homosexuality among individuals and society at large (Haldeman 225). In fact, leading conversion therapists have more often than not been rabid activists in courthouses across the country in arguing against any laws either decriminalizing sex between same-gendered people, or granting protections to gay and lesbian individuals (Shidlo and Schroeder 250-251). Most importantly, it is necessary to look at the motives of those providing conversion therapy, and the motives of those seeking it. 26% of the individuals entering conversion therapy do so at the behest of their therapist (Shidlo and Schroeder 252). Typically, these individuals seek treatment to help cope with feelings of depression, guilt and anxiety related to their sexual orientation, but are not explicitly looking to change that orientation (Shidlo and Schroeder 252). Many teenagers and young adults attending religious-based universities tell stories of being forced into conversion therapy or face expulsion or termination of financial aid (Shidlo and Schroeder 252). For that other 74%, however, many simply feel that a homosexual identity is incongruent with the lifestyle they wish to live, and it provides an unacceptable alternative to a spouse, family and church (Beckstead 89). Proponents of conversion therapy view it as just another choice in the plethora of self-determined choices individuals can now make through therapy or psychoanalysis.

In 1997, after two years of in-depth study, the American Psychological Association passed a resolution condemning the use of conversion therapy, due to the fear that clients may request such a therapy due to “societal ignorance and prejudice about same gender sexual orientation,” and “family or social coercion,” and that such therapies were misguided and damaging (qtd. in Throckmorton 3). The American Counseling Association followed suit in 1998, passing a similar resolution with a companion resolution supporting same-sex marriage (Throckmorton 3). But are the resolutions themselves misguided? Despite scant evidence of its efficacy, and its threat of even further damage upon already impressionable or sensitive clients, should the American Psychological Association continue its condemnation of conversion therapy, since many people do request it, and that some people claim to have benefited from it?

Practiced since the late 19-th century, conversion therapy has always been controversial, especially in doctors’ and therapists’ choices of methods. Treating homosexuality as a pathology to be done away with, some methods have been extreme, such as physical abuse, castration, male hormone treatments, and lobotomies (Murphy 513). Mostly, though, therapies have sought simply to create behavioral changes in an attempt to control or sublimate same-sex attraction (Murphy 502). Exercise and outdoor activities were frequently prescribed, as were physical activities (such as excessive bicycle riding) that could exhaust an individual and leave him no energy to pursue sexual liaisons (Murphy 502). Others suggested visiting brothels, or for a man to be locked away alone with a woman for a week or more in order for her to help the man discover the pleasures a woman and her body have to offer (Murphy 503). Still others, however, saw marriage as the key component missing in a young man’s life who was struggling with same-sex desires; a virtuous woman, as opposed to a prostitute, was the real solution (Murphy 503). In more contemporary circles, though, homosexuality is less likely to be treated as pathology than simply as a misguided lifestyle, and that conversion therapy is simply one more choice a client has in his or her treatment options (Gonsiorek, 2004).

The history of addressing conversion therapy has basically been divided into two main disciplines going all the way back to Freud – that of psychology and that of social work (Johnston and Jenkins, 2006). While the psychological field has had its share of both supporters of conversion therapy (those who argue that it is successful as well as ethical) and its opponents (those who argue that conversion therapy has no “empirical base of efficacy,” that it is impossible to change one’s sexual orientation, and the continued use of conversion therapy fosters further prejudice and discrimination in society), the social work field has remained largely quiet (Johnston and Jenkins, 2006). Social work has a long history of ambivalence towards gay and lesbian individuals, and according to Johnston and Jenkins, most social workers have been socialized in a “heterosexist society” (2006).

Now provided almost entirely by religious organizations, conversion therapy often promotes a loss of faith as the only alternative to their particular theology (Gonsiorek, 2004). If living fully, and learning to integrate all aspects of one’s personality into a healthy lifestyle is the ultimate goal of therapy and psychoanalysis, isn’t conversion therapy really doing more harm than good, even among clients who request it (Haldeman 263)?

Until the early 1980’s, conversion therapy was primarily a quiet, underground phenomenon, practiced behind closed doors and away from prying eyes and ears. Elizabeth Moberly, a British theologian, is largely responsible for the resurgence of what she dubbed “reparative” therapy by starting up the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH), which offered a “new ray of hope” for curing homosexuality (Johnston and Jenkins, 2006). To date, NARTH is the only professional mental health organization in the world that preaches homosexuality as a disorder and that change is possible through pure self-determination (Johnston and Jenkins, 2006).

Exodus International, an umbrella organization of multiple ex-gay ministries, including Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays (P-FOX), and Love in Action, first came to major public prominence in the late 1990’s when they ran full-page ads for a full week in national newspapers such as The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, USA Today, The Washington Post, and The Washington Times (Beckstead 91-92). These ads were sponsored by over 18 religiously conservative organizations like the Christian Coalition and Focus on the Family, and promoted homosexuality as a “disorder” and that a “homosexual lifestyle” was a lie and tantamount to imprisonment and spiritual death (Beckstead 92).

But why, opponents of conversion therapy argue, must individuals choose either to be “out” as a gay or lesbian, or be religious (Miville and Ferguson, 2004)? According to psychoanalytic theory, a gay or lesbian individual is considered “healthy” if he or she is able to renounce stigmatized notions and stereotypes of a gay or lesbian lifestyle, and live a full and fulfilling life (Miville and Ferguson, 2004). But if a person is uncomfortable with their same-sex attraction, or finds it incompatible with their religious lifestyle, can they still be mentally healthy by actively choosing to renounce their same-sex attracted identity (Miville and Ferguson, 2004)? Proponents of conversion therapy view the American Psychological Association’s condemnation as an “attempt to limit the choice of gays and lesbians who want to change” and that it disregards a therapist’s obligation to “respect the dignity and wishes of all clients” (Schroeder and Shidlo 132).

In the following two sections, I will more closely examine each sides’ arguments both for and against conversion therapy, and its potential impact, both positive and negative, on its clients and consumers.

Conversion therapy is not viewed by the majority of psychologists and clients as a legitimate solution to the complexity of managing multiple, and often incongruent, identities (Phillips 773). While it’s true that sexuality can be, and often is, remarkably fluid and salient throughout many peoples’ lives, research does not support the notion that any one individual can legitimately convert their core sexual orientation or that same-sex attraction is abnormal or presents a maladjusted development (Phillips 773).

Alfred Shidlo and Michael Schroeder are two psychologists working in independent practice in New York City, and at the Columbia Center for Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Mental Health of Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center, and at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine, respectively.

Both doctors have argued aggressively against the use of conversion therapy; they argue that despite the lack of scientific or empirical data proving the harmfulness of conversion therapy, the opposition it has generated from mental health organizations and the American Psychiatric Association speak for themselves (249). In 1998, the APA released a statement condemning the use of conversion therapy, arguing not only that it was ineffective, but that it prays on the most vulnerable among the gay and lesbian population:

The potential risks of reparative therapy are great, including depression, anxiety and self-destructive behavior, since therapist alignment with societal prejudices against homosexuality may reinforce self-hatred already experienced by the patient. Many patients who have undergone reparative therapy relate that they were inaccurately told that homosexuals are lonely, unhappy individuals who never achieve acceptance or satisfaction. The possibility that the person might achieve happiness and satisfying interpersonal relationships as a gay man or lesbian is not presented, nor are alternative approaches to dealing with the side effects of societal stigmatization discussed.

Shidlo and Schroeder’s landmark 2002 study on the results and satisfaction or dissatisfaction of various consumers of conversion therapy was telling: more than half of the people to whom they spoke reported suffering from depressed feelings resulting from the therapy (254). Some said this was because they were told that their sexuality was a choice (and believed it); others blamed it on their failure to change or when they experienced a resurgence of same-sex desire after completing therapy; still others spoke of suicidal ideation, and one female participant even likened her therapy to having been killed; another female claimed that even years after completing conversion therapy, the process was so traumatic that she hasn’t been able to even step foot inside a church again; three respondents had actually attempted suicide during the conversion therapy process (254).

One of the biggest problems facing individuals seeking conversion therapy seems to be a lack of overall information regarding sexuality and informed consent (Schroeder and Shidlo 132). The APA ethics code instructs “psychologists…not to make false or deceptive statements concerning…the scientific or clinical basis for…their services” (APA, 1992, Standard 3.03(a), p. 1604; Schroeder and Shidlo 140). Most participants were told by their therapists or counselors that homosexuality was a psychological disorder; that homosexuality does not actually exist; or that gay lives are inherently unhappy (Schroeder and Shidlo 141).

A large part of conversion therapy involves providing patently false, stereotypical and defamatory information regarding homosexuals and a “homosexual lifestyle” to those clients in therapy (Shidlo and Schroeder 255). The literature largely attempts to devalue homosexuals and their relationships as “undesirable, sick and evil” (Shidlo and Schroeder 255). Naturally, when individuals fail to change, this only exacerbates and conflates already existing feelings of internalized homophobia, self-hatred, and poor self-esteem (Shidlo and Schroeder 254).

Most people who seek conversion therapy are very religious people, often belonging to extremely conservative religions, and have suffered enormous heartache and difficulty incorporating their sexuality into their lives and into what’s expected of them by their church (Beckstead and Morrow 653). According to Tozer and Hayes, the most widely researched constructs in the psychological study of religion are the ideas of intrinsic and extrinsic attitudes (717). People who are extrinsically motivated by religion use it outwardly, to achieve things like status or social support, whereas people who are intrinsically motivated try to actually live their religion and internalize it very deeply, using it as a central organizing force in their lives (Tozer and Hayes 717). Intrinsic religiosity has been found to be a galvanizing force for prejudice against gay and lesbian individuals, and for gay and lesbian individuals themselves, seeking to change their sexual orientation (Tozer and Hayes 717).
Generally, gay and lesbian people who are very religious are far more likely to suffer from feelings of homonegativy and self-hatred than those who say that religion is unimportant (Tozer and Hayes 718). Of the majority of the people who have completed conversion therapy and reported successful or positive outcomes, the top reason cited for entering conversion therapy in the first place was the “religious nature of society” (Tozer and Hayes 718). Other reasons cited included religious guilt, rejection by the church community, and a fear of eternal damnation (Tozer and Hayes 718). A large factor in these feelings is the lack of social support felt by gay and lesbian individuals (Tozer and Hayes 719). Whereas many homosexuals seek out other homosexuals for romantic, social and emotional support, gays and lesbians for whom religion is a very important part of their lives oftentimes lack this support, and have actively shunned it (Tozer and Hayes 719). Thus, in conversion therapy, they find many like-minded individuals, and often, for the first time, find the social and emotional support, and sense of belonging or inclusiveness, missing in their previous lives (Tozer and Hayes 719).

This is not an aspect of conversion therapy to be discounted; it should also be noted, however, that “affirmative therapy” for homosexuals, which challenges oppressive stereotypes, and advocates the validity of living a fulfilling life as an openly gay or lesbian person is rarely or never presented to those seeking conversion therapy (Morrow and Beckstead, 2004). It is also true that many gay and lesbian individuals with a religious inclination feel more comfortable coming out as homosexual in a religious environment than as religiously oriented in a homosexual community (Haldeman 262). But again, with the right guidance by an experienced and non-judgmental counselor or therapist, and the seeking out of inclusive religious communities that welcome all people, this is another dilemma that can be worked on and resolved without the drastic use of conversion therapy (Haldeman 262).

John Gonsiorek of Capella University and the Minnesota School of Professional Psychology/Argosy University, suggests a more “integrative” approach to solving this dilemma (2004). Since the beginning of its visibility, the LGB (Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual) community has struggled, often unsuccessfully, to integrate spiritual life and sexuality, while most religious organizations have outright rejected any view that diverges from their orthodoxy (Gonsiorek 751). Disapproval from both communities can create severe psychological distress and be devastating for religiously-inclined struggling gays and lesbians, but perhaps a stronger focus on the “interpersonal and sociopolitical factors” at play in these peoples’ discomfort, as opposed to a direct treating of orientation or a division of sexuality and spirituality within a person’s internal framework could work wonders (Gonsiorek 752).

First and foremost, in the possible working with and treating of internally-conflicted gay and lesbian clients, the therapist needs to understand the grave importance and influence of the detrimental effects of homophobia on gay and lesbian individuals (Steigerwald and Janson 57). Working with the client to challenge stereotypes and homophobic assumptions, and to begin to work in-depth with the client’s questions in a supportive environment, is the most helpful way that therapists and psychologists can help their clients find meaning in their lives and relationships (Steigerwald and Janson 57). This requires from the counselor an attitude of hope and non-judgment, and an “active stance” that perhaps it is not so much the client that needs to be changed, but the culture in which the client lives (Steigerwald and Janson 57).
On the basis of their research, Drs. Shidlo and Schroeder offer the following advice: for any client seeking conversion therapy, detailed, informed consent is essential, including acknowledging the condemnation and disapproval by the American Psychological Association, and accurate information not only about gay and lesbian lives, but about the lack of efficacy and possible harmful side effects of conversion therapy; the client should be educated about the possible and probable developmental pathways conversion therapy can lead to; and lastly, a thorough discussion should ensue between client and therapist about what, exactly, would entail “change” in the client’s life, and how he or she would define success (258).

So in light of all of this negative information and harmful effects of conversion therapy, why wouldn’t the American Psychological Association issue an outright ban on the practice? Well, as we will see in the next section, there is an active and persuasive argument for the diversity and autonomy that can be used to support those individuals seeking conversion therapy and wishing to change (Haldeman 263). The field of psychology is not in the business of legislating, but merely guiding and informing; an individual’s right to self-determination is not something the APA wishes to remove (Haldeman 263).

Proponents of conversion therapy use the same ethical guidelines constructed by the American Psychological Association (APA) to defend their position as do opponents of conversion therapy. General Principle D of the APA’s Ethic’s Code calls for “Respect for People’s Rights and Dignity” and affirms counselors, therapists and psychologists to be aware of, and respect, cultural and individual differences in values, attitudes and opinions (Beckstead 89). Proponents argue that for some people, especially those who are deeply religious, find it too difficult to live an “out” lifestyle as a gay or lesbian, and that literature has shown that counseling is far more effective when therapists utilize counseling techniques and interventions that respect and stay within the framework of the client’s principle values and goals (Beckstead 89).

Dr. Warren Throckmorton, PhD, Associate Professor of Psychology and Fellow for Psychology and Public Policy at Grove City College in Pennsylvania, has been a leading advocate of conversion therapy and the religious individual’s right to self-determination for years (DrThrockmorton). He argues that individuals who wish to “modify their patterns of sexual arousal” should be allowed to do so without judgment, that it can be carried out ethically, and help should be available to those who request such assistance (Throckmorton 5).

Had the American Counseling Association’s (ACA) resolution questioning the use of conversion therapy been expressed as pure opposition, or an outright ban, it would have had a tremendous impact on the counseling profession (Throckmorton 3). Counselors who believe that homosexuality can, or should, be modified, would be in violation of ethics codes and subject to punishment or loss of license (Throckmorton 3).

Despite its evidence of effectiveness based primarily on a shaky foundation of self-report, clients both in favor of, and against, conversion therapy who have previously been through the process, have described positive experiences with it (Beckstead and Morrow 652). Even though the majority of them ultimately rejected the process, many reported finally feeling a sense of relief and self-determination, not only in feeling better able to manage their life and emotions, but in gaining what they perceived as a better understanding of their own development (Beckstead and Morrow 652). Some described feeling relieved that they didn’t have to eliminate their same-sex desires entirely, and that they understood now that feelings would come and go and that was okay; others reported enhanced same-sex relationships without the constant specter of sex, as they learned how better to communicate, break patterns of objectification, and develop relational skills; enhanced gender identity and positive self-exploration was another positive outcome for many (Beckstead and Morrow 652).
Dr. Throckmorton makes an argument that nothing in the ACA’s code of ethics is being actively violated regarding conversion therapy (10). He offers that one does not have to believe that homosexuality is a disorder in order to be able to help a client change their orientation; one does not need to suffer from a disorder to benefit from counseling, only a discomfort, unhappiness or maladjustment (Throckmorton 10).
Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, PhD, clinical psychologist, founder of the Thomas Aquinas Psychological Clinic in Encino, California, and the president of the previously mentioned NARTH, claims in his book, A Parent’s Guide to Preventing Homosexuality, that rather than “cure,” he prefers to refer to the goal of “change,” thereby never promising a fundamental shift, but instead teaching healthy and effective coping mechanisms for dealing with unwanted and/or persistent homosexual desires (NARTH). Arguing that the majority of mental health practitioners view homosexuality as a result of the confluence of biological, social and psychological factors, Dr. Nicolosi claims that the social and psychological factors, the predominant and strongest of the three, can certainly be modified to create a more desirable outcome in a client’s life (NARTH). Furthermore, since psychiatry states that a disorder is characterized by distress and disability, he sees a lot of “subjective stress in homosexually oriented people which cannot be attributed solely to social discrimination” (NARTH). Dr. Nicolosi argues vehemently that “non-gay” homosexual clients have every right to choose their own forms of therapy and the freedom to choose how to live out their own sexual orientations (qtd. in Beckstead 89).

Though the number is relatively small, there are a handful of individuals who say that conversion therapy has been a blessing to them, and helped them take their sexuality from being a “peripheral” part of their lives (i.e., distinct, negative, shameful, and polarized ideas of what it would mean to them to “be gay”) to being a more active, healthy and heterosexually-oriented part of them (Beckstead 90). One man even claimed that whatever discomfort he might feel in trying to adopt a heterosexual lifestyle was far preferable to the idea of living a “gay lifestyle,” which he viewed as devoid of commitment and integrity (Beckstead 95). All of the participants in the study who reported positive outcomes from conversion therapy said that the fundamental reason for wanting to change their sexuality in the first place was a spiritual need to “conform to what they felt to be true” (Beckstead 95).

In his defense of conversion therapy and its methods, Dr. Throckmorton uses copious amounts of data and information that is sometimes decades old (Throckmorton 12). He argues, however, that the literature on therapeutic assistance for treating unwanted sexuality came to a halt in the 1970’s due to social and political pressure from the American Psychological Association and the American medical establishment (Throckmorton 12). The desire of thousands of people to change, however, did not halt, and to deny that service to tortured individuals does not only them, but the whole psychiatric profession, a disservice (Throckmorton 12). He submits that it is inappropriate to tell clients that they cannot be helped when their desire is to change, and that using Kinsey’s past reasoning that sexual orientation lies on a sliding scale in the first place, then that scale can be manipulated in favor of a more heterosexual outcome (Throckmorton 12).

Some therapists view the APA’s decision to condemn conversion therapy as an act based on secular principles and politics, and that religious values should not only supercede those of secularists and scientists, but that the APA’s condemnation was not based on empirical data in the first place (Schroeder and Shidlo 139). Some clients reported being told by their therapists that the APA’s decision was a perfect example of why it was so important to make sure they see a Christian psychologist, since not every psychologist is a Christian (Schroeder and Shidlo 140).

Dr. Throckmorton submits the challenge that opponents of conversion therapy must effectively demonstrate that no client has benefited from conversion therapy, and that even if they have, that some abstract cost has been too objectively great to be worth it (11). Many individuals, he concludes, have been able to change their sexual orientation, and live what they consider to be far more fulfilling, integrated and peaceful lives (11). By doing so, Dr. Throckmorton is making explicit the dilemma that opponents of conversion therapy face: the lack of efficacy and empirical data that they use to justify a condemnation can also be used by proponents in exactly the same manner. In other words, both Drs. Throckmorton and Nicolosi are saying, the burden of proof is on the opponents of therapy, and thus far, that proof has not turned up (Throckmorton 12). Furthermore, for those who have successfully (by their standards) changed orientations, the APA condemnation denigrates and trivializes their accomplishments (Throckmorton 11). As long as clients are benefiting, small though that number may be, legislation and ethics codes condemning the very therapy that the clients found useful is both judgmental and short-sighted.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

40 vulvas

I go to school with a young gentleman named Joe who is very wealthy, very Republican, and extraordinarily conservative (though honestly I think some of this is reactionary), but somehow he and I get along famously and really like each other. We've had at least 4 classes together now, and we always sit by each other (most of the classrooms have tables instead of desks, each of which sits 2 people) and make a lot of off-color jokes and make fun of people just between ourselves. He's in my sex class, too, so naturally we sat by each other in that class.

Anyway, yesterday in said sex class we started studying the female anatomy. At the beginning of class, the professors passed out sheets of construction paper to everyone and instructed us all to draw pictures of what we think the female and male anatomy both look like. With the caveat that no one is allowed to have 2 sheets of paper to draw the male anatomy. One 8x11 was plenty of room, we were instructed.

As Joe and I both sat there, staring at our blank papers trying to figure out where to start, I said, "I've never even seen a vagina in real life." (The one time I had sex with a girl it was dark and I didn't go exploring.)

Joe looked at me funny and then said, "Oh yeah. You're gay. I forgot."

Just as he said, "I forgot," one of my professors walked by our table and exclaimed, "You forgot??!?" referring, of course, to the anatomy drawings, not our conversation.

As Joe started to explain himself to the professor, she walked away laughing. He turned to me and said, "You bastard."

"You set yourself up for that one," I replied.

"Yeah, I guess I did. But you're still a bastard. Just because."

"Fair enough."

Okay, so maybe this story isn't very funny, but it was at the time.

Incidentally, the profs posted all the drawings in the classroom and we all had to get up and go around and look at them. Ironically, my vulva drawing was one of the more accurate. And just in case you're curious, the females tended to draw the interior of the female anatomy, like the fallopian tubes and uterus, etc, while, predictably, the boys drew the outside. Which was the professors' whole point in having us draw it.

Also, most of the girls drew flaccid weiners, while most of the boys drew big, giant hard ons. Go figure.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Sexy Pages

Yes, it's been almost 2 weeks since I've posted anything, and maybe someone's noticed...maybe not. I guess I'm not feeling too motivated lately. In the last few months, this blog has taken (at least what appears to me) a decidely less personal turn from what it used to be. This was somewhat deliberate and somewhat not. I guess at some point I got a little uncomfortable with how much I was really revealing about myself on here (even though some people told me that's why they liked it) and made a decision to write about things other than myself. Like urbanism or food. Neither of which I really know anything about, they're just interests and I like to share little things that I learn, despite having pretty much zero original thoughts of my own on either subject.

But lucky you guys: I've been feeling the itch again lately to write, to get stuff out there, to express myself if you will. (Or even if you won't.) I still have absolutely nothing to write about except the fact that I have nothing to write about, which really isn't very interesting, is it?

I started back to school again today, and I've found that being in school always keeps my juices going. Obviously I have far less time to write, but have many more thoughts always swirling because my brain is always being exercised. I hate every class this semester already, save my last psychology elective, Human Sexuality (my other 3 courses are cores I haven't yet taken, and my senior thesis class). It's the first semester the class is being taught, and apparently took quite a lot of cajoling to get off the ground. It's the baby of my advisor, actually, who is also the professor I took all of my child and adolescent development courses from, and she's co-teaching it with my neuroscience prof from last semester. It should be a lot of fun, and everybody already seems really excited about having some lively discussions. We're going to have panels come in and speak (such as a transgender panel, LGB panel, HIV panel, and Planned Parenthood panel, and the owner of Forbidden Fruit is going to come talk about sex toys and "double-ended dongs," as one of my professors put it today) along with lots of videos, "debates," research projects, and (get this....) a "stretch yourself" paper (oh boy, don't let me make the obvious joke), described in the syllabus as thus:

to stretch you out of your comfort zone and encourage you to experience facets of sexuality that you would not experience otherwise.

Unfortunately, most (or, okay, all) of the examples they give of things you can do, I've, uh, already done:

- if you've never been, go to a gay bar and stay for 2 hours. Check.

- go to a club where people of the same gender are stripping. Check.

- go to a club where people of the opposite gender are stripping. Check.

- go buy condoms or some form of birth control. Check.

- buy a sex toy, or at the very least, go to where sex toys are sold, and browse the products long enough (30 minutes) to be able to describe them. Check.

- get tested for STD's, including HIV. Check.

- go to a nudist area and stay naked. Check.

- overcome an area of inhibition you have been wanting to overcome, such as masturbating or undressing in front of others. Check.

- go to a meeting or group therapy session where issues of sex and sexual orientation will be openly discussed. Check.

(Those are all seriously suggestions. They're in the syllabus if you don't believe me.)

At this rate, I'll have to do something so extreme in order to write a paper that it will have to be illegal, or really overtly sexual. Like, have a threesome, or go to a sex club, or take dirty pictures. Or have sex with a girl!

Oh, wait. Check. Check. Check. Check.

So I can only imagine how the conversation with the professors will go.

"Uh, yeah, I'm not so much anymore, but in my past, I've been a big ole slut and done a lot of experimenting, including with women, so that's out, and I just can't even think of anything to write a paper about. Maybe I've done it all."

Do you think I'd fail or get an A? Maybe they'll just let me teach the class.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

My award-winning philosophy paper about Nietzsche*

(Probably not my best work, but considering the vagueness of the assignment (find a text that's confounding, make sense of it, and tell the professor about how you made sense of it in less than 40 pages and make it intelligent), I think I did all right.)

The falseness of an opinion is not for us any objection to it: it is here, perhaps, that our new language sounds most strangely. The question is, how far an opinion is life-furthering, life-preserving, species-preserving, perhaps species-rearing; and we are fundamentally inclined to maintain that the falsest opinions (to which the synthetic judgments a priori belong), are the most indispensable to us; that without a recognition of logical fictions, without a comparison of reality with the purely imagined world of the absolute and immutable, without a constant counterfeiting of the world by means of numbers, man could not live – that the renunciation of false opinions would be a renunciation of life, a negation of life. To recognize untruth as a condition of life: that is certainly to impugn the traditional ideas of value in a dangerous manner, and a philosophy which ventures to do so, has thereby alone placed itself beyond good and evil.
- Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil


Coming from a place of extreme nominal understanding regarding Nietzsche and his works, the idea of the Will to Power so prominent throughout them is interpreted by myself as the rising up of the oppressed. That is the first thing that comes to mind, though it also represents the power of the powerful. It means, to me, that within every human being lies not only the desire, but a desperate need (indeed, one’s life depends on it) to, at the very least, be in control of their own destiny. At its worst, it is the idea of dominance over growth, moral law enacted simply for the sake of control, not for the sake of personal growth, discovery, or revelation. Or, put another way, it is the enacting of the control of your own outcomes against the dominance of others.

While watching footage of the World Trade Centers’ collapse six years ago, and individuals jumping to their deaths to escape the fiery hell of the burning buildings, I heard a psychologist on the news say that the suicides of those people was in fact a very healthy reaction to an inevitably life-threatening situation. By assessing the crisis rationally, and understanding that they were doomed no matter what, they chose, probably with some combination of panic and level-headed matter-of-factness, their own method of death. Granted, their options were limited, but when faced with the agony of melting, or with the certainty of falling, they chose the certainty. They took control in a hopeless situation where their options were limited, and nonetheless willed themselves to have the smallest modicum of power in a powerless situation. I don’t know why, but while reading the passage by Nietzsche in Beyond Good and Evil, this is what came to my mind.

Robert Cavalier, of the Carnegie Mellon philosophy department, describes the “will to power” as a necessary simplifying of the chaos of nature, and by extension, the chaos of man. He argues that it is precisely this simplification, or “structuring,” that gives individuals power, whether real or perceived. A common psychological theory is that human beings create a narrative for their lives; they take events of their lives and structure them to tell a story that makes sense to them. It is not uncommon, the theory goes, to slightly modify and reinterpret reality so as to make sense in the larger “story” and stream of plot that has been created. Events that confound the storyline, or don’t fit into the larger picture, or are simply unwanted, are often discarded, either consciously or unconsciously, if it makes the story too complex or too untidy. Thus, in the most rudimentary, but also complex way possible, a person has taken control of their life and molded events to fit their own larger picture.

This non-reality is something that I think Nietzsche understood a long time ago, and is largely what he is attacking in Beyond Good and Evil. For something to be “beyond” what it is a part of (such as Nietzsche arguing that evolved morality is beyond both conventional good and evil) that “something” must transcend what it is a part of. To Nietzsche, at least in my interpretation, conventional religion and morality (particularly Christianity) is part of this false story, this created myth, that people tell themselves to feel powerful in a chaotic and scary world. For Nietzsche, I think, this is what “conventional morality” amounts to: a gross simplification in the face of overwhelming ambiguity. For to embrace that ambiguity, or uncertainty, the individual has to come to terms with what they could lose: a solid foundation of assuredness, and possibly even themselves. Some say that faith itself, particularly religious faith, is an acceptance of the uncertainty of the world of the divine, but that may only be true for the most spiritually evolved among us. More often than not, religious “certainty” supplants faith, in order to create a rigid ideology, the mortal enemy of true spiritual evolution and faith. Ideology exists only in the face of insecurity; dogmatic devotion to an impossible ideal replaces genuine seeking. Real answers can only be discovered if one is willing to risk experimentation and questioning without ever discovering a truth, or certainty. This openness, this freedom, is the exact opposite of fundamentalism. Nietzsche disdains these self-perpetuating and stifling lies, but concedes that they are perhaps necessary for society as a whole to continue to function. For without them, he says, “…the renunciation of false opinions would be a renunciation of life, a negation of life.” But why?

Children generally grow up absorbing the beliefs and behaviors of those around them, especially parents or caretakers, rarely questioning the script and role they’ve been delivered since the day of their birth. Traditions are passed down and expectations are expressed, either overtly or indirectly. Until they know better, children see their parents as God, and everything they do, from their language to behavior, is taken note of and digested by children. Some people continue on through life indefinitely drifting, never truly questioning anything, or repressing doubts, for fear of upsetting the status quo, or unprepared for the strength it might take to become autonomous. Others, however, through choice or circumstance, make a resolute decision to embrace uncertainty and the falling away from, or “dying,” if you will, of their old or comfortable life. Some don’t have a choice: they’re given their script as they’re about to walk out onto the proverbial stage, and their script is written in an indecipherable language. Try as they might to learn the new language, quickly and without error, they simply can’t. So they’re pushed on stage, and they either flounder or they improvise.

When a person throws away their script in order to write a new one, they make a deliberate choice. They’ve taken what they see as false opinion and renounced that life, negated its worth, at least to them, and effectively killed it. This is the death that Nietzsche refers to. In order to evolve, old ways must die. Usually the script is never complete unless one prematurely pronounces it so; true “being” is an endless becoming, a never-ending journey for truth and self. The “they-self” concept of how one has created an identity in relation to what others expect of them is gone, replaced by a resolute choice to become, or create, something new.

Growing up, I always felt different, from day one. It was difficult for me to relate to other kids, especially boys, and I had no interest in sports. Friends came and went, and the majority of my relationships with other kids were short-lived. It wasn’t until puberty, really, and the budding of sexual desires, that I began to fully understand what it was that set me apart. Despite my growing attraction to other boys that was both confusing and exciting, and my growing disinterest in girls as anything other than companions, I still held on to my prescribed script for dear life. Letting go of my future storyline was too scary, too unknown. I fell into a vicious pattern of self-deception: still told myself I would get married someday, I would have children, and a family, and I would live the life that I was expected to live. I mean, what else was there? Despite being an avid reader with a huge imagination, the only world I truly knew was rural Arkansas. I knew there was more out there, but I didn’t understand it. Falling in love with my best friend at 16, and having him return those feelings, was the final nail in the coffin of my old life. It took another good 5 years to become comfortable with the idea of letting the old life truly die, and to have the courage to construct a new one in the way I saw most appropriate, but with that final decision, the new world was created, and my own moral and intellectual limits of my effective freedom were killed.

In many ways, I continue to define myself by what I am not, by my opposition to what I find most distasteful: complacency, blind religious faith, a denial of the true self. I seek to see reality in everything, and to view any adherence to mythology as a weak-willed embrace of a false certainty in the face of a vague and scary uncertainty. But the uncertainty is the reality, multiplicity the true liberator of the human psyche. Without a recognition of “logical fictions,” Nietzsche claims, man would die in his own meaninglessness. To have to discover your own path, and create your own destiny, as the existentialist believes we must all do in the absence of God, would provoke too much anguish and self-doubt in all of mankind, and surely lead to the death of life. But what I believe Nietzsche is arguing is that, if mankind as a whole could abandon these false notions, this “constant counterfeiting,” then as a species, we could evolve beyond our conventional and tired notions of morality, of even viewing morality in terms of good and evil. A transcendent morality might take its place, one in which all beings were equal and autonomy could be prized and strived for, instead of feared, denigrated, and eventually murdered.

*By "award-winning," I mean I got an A.

Monday, November 05, 2007

You're a star in nobody's eyes but mine

I think it's starting to finally pass a bit now, but for the last 2 or 3 weeks I've just been feeling really deflated, burned out, exhausted. I've been skipping class, not doing homework that I should be doing, getting behind, spending long periods of time staring off into space, always just wanting to sleep. It's not that I've been depressed, exactly, just sort of listless and unmotivated I guess. I guess I have a pretty bad case of senior-itis. Which is maybe sort of funny, but despite going to Mexico last year, and spending last summer at summer camp, I've been in school for two solid years without a break. Because Mexico and camp were both school-related (especially Mexico), and I still had grades and homework to worry about, even if I was having a good time.

Yesterday, though, I got to register for my last semester!! I think it's gonna be a breeze, too, and I have a nice schedule. For starters, I only have 4 classes, and I've had 5 every semester thus far, so that alone will feel like a vacation. Also, one of those classes is a brand new psychology elective, with only 20 openings, and only open to upper-classmen, called Human Sexuality, taught by one of my two favorite professors. It's been her pet project for awhile now, I guess, and they finally gave her one section next semester to teach it. So I'm looking forward to that.

As for everything else, maybe I'm just not getting enough sleep. My job is wearing on me big-time and I'm really not sure how much longer I can do it. Not to sound so much like a pansy, but the people (customers) make it all so unpleasant. I just don't understand why people have to be so abusive when they buy groceries. And I'm dreading the wretched holidays even more this year than I normally do. I wish we could cancel Christmas this year.

I'm going to Arkansas this weekend to see my folks and nephew and brothers, and some fall foliage. I'm really, really looking forward to it. I think this is the first time since I lived in Dallas that I actually asked my parents to fly me home, instead of them suggesting it. I need to be pampered by my mom for a couple days, and I need to see my nephew get real excited and shout "Uncle Ryan!" and run up and grab my legs when I walk in the room.

And maybe I can manage to not have to think about school all weekend. Oh, wait, no, I have a Neuroscience test next Tuesday I'll have to study for over the weekend.

Fuck.

Oh well.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

My 200-point paper on teenage suicide and the use of antidepressants. In case anyone is ineterested in reading it.

Teenage Suicide
The third leading cause of death for adolescents is suicide, behind injury and homicide, respectively, arguably making it something of a crisis (Basco, 2006). When you take into account that death by injury and accidents are fairly rare for teenagers, and that even some of those (such as car crashes), could actually be suicides not labeled as such, the problem becomes even more pressing (Basco, 2006).

Girls would seem to be at especially high risk, as the rates of depression after the onset of puberty is twice as high for girls as for boys (Bonati and Clavenna, 2005). A history of abuse, particularly sexual abuse, has also been shown to increase the risk of suicide (Basco, 2006), and teenagers with conduct disorders combined with mood depressive disorders were at the highest risk (Basco, 2006).
Popular belief hypothesizes that bringing up the subject of suicide with an adolescent whom you suspect is suicidal will “give them ideas” and place the thoughts in their head. But talking to a possibly suicidal adolescent and frankly asking them if they are planning to kill themselves does not, in itself, precipitate suicide; in fact, it has been shown to be an effective tool in fighting suicide. Most suicidal patients simply want someone to pay attention to them and acknowledge their pain, in addition to the fact that acknowledgement can increase social support (Basco, 2006). And if an adult, or even another teenager, suspects someone of being suicidal, chances are the one being suspected has, indeed, already considered it, and the person bringing it up would not be placing any novel ideas in their head.

But how serious is teenage suicide? According to the World Health Organization (WHO), in 2005 in the United States, there were over 30,000 suicides, approximately 2,000 of them occurring in the fifteen to nineteen year-old age group (Basco, 2006). Roughly 90% of that number suffers from a serious mental illness, depression being far and away the most common (Basco, 2006). So what do these figures tell us about teenage suicide? What are the most common factors that precipitate a suicide in an adolescent? Are antidepressants the answer to solving the problem of teenage depression and suicide, or do they exacerbate an already complicated time when cognitive therapy might be more helpful and useful?

For some reason, the rate of teenage suicide increased dramatically in the latter half of the twentieth century (Steinberg, 2005). Many different and varying explanations are given for this dramatic increase, including diminished contact between adolescents and adults, more divorce, more pressure to “grow up” faster, and a more violent society, but none have proven to be satisfactory in explaining this phenomenon (Steinberg, 2005). However, through various systematic studies, 4 distinct risk factors have been identified and isolated as confident predictors of teenage suicide: psychiatric problems such as depression; genetics, or having a history of suicide in the family; external stress, typically social in origin; and severe familial stress or rejection by parents (Steinberg, 2005). A previous suicide attempt is the leading predictor, however, in whether or not a teenager will try to take their life again (Steinberg, 2005).

In the 1990’s, suicide rates in most Western countries declined significantly, and this decline directly correlates with the drastically increased use of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI’s) in depressed adolescents (Rey & Dudley, 2005). Since such a large number of adolescent suicides occur in the midst of a severe mood disorder, it will be helpful to look at treatment options and how those options are affecting suicide rates.

Most teenagers who commit suicide don’t do so in a vacuum, contrary to universal belief. Most seek some sort of professional help in the month prior to their taking their life (Gibbons, Hur, Bhaumik, and Mann, 2006), but at the time of death, only approximately 2% of suicides are taking any sort of medication (Gibbons, Hur, Bhaumik, and Mann, 2006). But teenagers must become, and remain, active in their own care to make it effective. A study of 49 adolescents who had committed suicide in Utah showed that 24% had been prescribed antidepressants, but not a single one of them tested positive for SSRI’s in their systems during autopsy (Gibbons, Hur, Bhaumik, and Mann, 2006).

The first SSRI approved in the United States for the treatment of a major depressive disorder (MDD) was fluoxetine, in 1987 (Kratchvil, Vitiello, Walkup, Emslie, Waslick, Weller, Burke, and March, 2006). By 1991, the USFDA was already holding public meetings about the safety of fluoxetine and its possibly contributing to suicidal behavior in adults, but 17 double-blind clinical trials later found no significant difference in the risk of suicide by those taking fluoxetine over a placebo (Kratchvil, Vitiello, Walkup, Emslie, Waslick, Weller, Burke, and March, 2006). Not until 1997 did these same studies begin to start happening on the efficacy of fluoxetine in children and adolescents (ages 7-18 years), but when they did, 56% of the fluoxetine subjects had improved in eight weeks, as opposed to only 33% in the placebo group (Kratchvil, Vitiello, Walkup, Emslie, Waslick, Weller, Burke, and March, 2006). After practice guidelines for the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) were changed to recommend SSRI’s as valid therapy for youths, the number of adolescents receiving an antidepressant at the onset of a new depression rose from 5% to more than 37% in 2002 (Kratchvil, Vitiello, Walkup, Emslie, Waslick, Weller, Burke, and March, 2006). Although numerous studies were performed on placebo-controlled trials of drugs like paroxetine, sertraline, and citalopram, and most found little to no differentiation between any SSRI and a placebo, fluoxetine is still the only drug FDA-approved for pediatric use (Kratchvil, Vitiello, Walkup, Emslie, Waslick, Weller, Burke, and March, 2006).

In 2004, an FDA clinical trial showed a relative suicide risk of 2% over a placebo for minors currently taking 10 different antidepressant drugs (Kratochvil, Vitiello, Walkup, Emslie, Waslick, Weller, Burke, and March, 2006). Based on these findings, the FDA took four actions that same year: a “black box” warning on all antidepressants that use in children came with accompanied risk of suicidality; they required a medication guide to accompany all pediatric prescriptions; they proscribed strict guidelines for monitoring of patients on any and all antidepressants; and lastly, they incorporated warning and explanation packaging in every single prescription of an antidepressant that was filled, regardless of the duration of use by the patient (Kratochvil, Vitiello, Walkup, Emslie, Waslick, Weller, Burke, and March, 2006). The reasons for the possibly increased suicidality of teenagers taking antidepressants is unclear, but likely result from a varied and highly complex interactions in both biological and social factors (Rey and Dudley, 2005). SSRI’s often induce extreme side effects in their users, including agitation, irritability, an inability to sit still or concentrate, and insomnia (Rey and Dudley, 2005). Like any other medication, SSRI’s can also trigger manic mood swings with higher suicide risk, and withdrawal can also set off many of these same symptoms (Rey and Dudley, 2005).

In 2005, the National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence (NICE) and the National Collaborating Centre for Mental Health in London, England, released new guidelines stating that antidepressants should be used on adolescents and children suffering from depression only as a last resort, and not at all on sufferers of only mild depression (Mayor, 2005). Furthermore, it declared that once depression had been diagnosed, the patient should immediately be put on a specific psychotherapeutic track, such as cognitive behavioral therapy or family therapy, in conjunction with antidepressants, and that their drug intake should be closely monitored for any signs of negative affects (Mayor, 2005). Fluoxetine was the only drug recommended for use in adolescents and children (Mayor, 2005).

Other factors have since then been found to affect both efficacy of antidepressants, and the rate of suicides in adolescents taking antidepressants. The suicide rate for teenagers on antidepressants (not just SSRI’s, but all antidepressants) is significantly higher than for those teenagers not on medication, but this has more to do with the fact that only much more severe cases of MDD are generally put on medication in the first place, and even then, it’s often too late (Rosack, 2005). Of the 24, 119 adolescents in a recent clinical study marked as having a major depressive episode, 17, 313 of them had no antidepressant filled within six months of their diagnosis (Rosack, 2005), which led the researchers to conclude that if anything, MDD’s are grossly underdiagnosed (Rosack, 2005). Additionally, the suicide rate for teenagers, after going up for 40 years, finally began to hold steady and even drop slightly in the 1990’s, while the prescribing of SSRI’s to depressed teenagers increased significantly in that same time period, rendering the increased risk of suicide argument negligible, at least from an epidemiological standpoint (Basco, 2006).

Suicide is an unpredictable and mysterious climax to often torturous afflictions in all age groups. There are known treatment methods and approaches to the problem, some more useful and valid than others. While antidepressants in general, and SSRI’s in particular, have proven to be an effective treatment method for depression and other major mood disorders, which are the leading causes of suicide, they must be accompanied by a rigorous psychotherapeutic treatments and in-depth scrutiny. The two together (pharmaceuticals and therapy) have shown to be more useful than either alone, especially cognitive therapy (Tonkin and Jureidini, 2005). Teenagers, especially depressed teenagers, can often be hostile, moody, unmotivated, and lack insight, rendering cognitive therapy alone often useless or futile (Rey and Dudley, 2005). With carefully monitored use of fluoxetine (in severe cases), teenager’s moods can often be stabilized enough to get them to actively participate in their own therapy and healing process (Rey and Dudley, 2005).
The use of any medication for MDD’s on teenagers or children remains a controversial idea, especially given how much misinformation, skepticism and uncertainty exist in the professional (psychiatric and medical) world regarding the topic. Ultimately, every decision regarding administering medication should be made on a case-by-case basis, with a careful, ongoing benefit and risk analysis (Rey and Dudley, 2005).
The cost of doing nothing to help alleviate the symptoms of devastatingly isolating mood disorders in adolescents is too great to not be taken very seriously. Just in the last 15 years, major advancements in the study of both psychotherapy and the use of psychotropic medications has yielded tremendous and hopeful results, but not without their setbacks and caveats. The medical and psychological fields must keep striving to provide ever more and effective treatments for an insidious and crushing disorder, not only of the mind, but also of the spirit.








References

Basco, William T. Jr. (2006). Teens at Risk: A Focus on Adolescent Suicide. Presented
at the Pediatric Academic Societies’ 2006 Annual Meeting.
Bonati, M., & Clavenna, A. (2005). The epidemiology of psychotropic drug use in children
and adolescents. International Review of Psychiatry, Vol. 17, pp. 181-188.
Gibbons, R., Hur,K., Bhaumik, D., & Mann, J. J. (2006). The Relationship Between
Antidepressant Prescription Rates and Rate of Adolescent Suicide. The American
Journal of Psychiatry, Vol. 163, pp. 1898-1904.
Kratchovil, C., Vitiello, B., Walkup, J., Emslie, G., Waslick, B., Weller, E., Burke, W., March,
J. (2006). Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors in Pediatric Depression: Is the
Balance Between Benefits and Risks Favorable? Journal of Child and Adolescent
Psychopharmacology, Vol. 16, pp. 11-24.
Mayor, S. (2005). Psychological therapy must accompany antidepressants in young people.
BMJ, Vol. 331, pp. 714.
Rey, J. & Dudley, M. (2005). Depressed youth, suicidality and antidepressants. The Medical
Journal of Australia, Vol. 182, pp. 378-379.
Rosack, J. (2005). New Analysis Disputes Antidepressant, Suicide Link. Psychiatric News,
Vol. 40, pp. 1-6.
Steinberg, L. (2005). Adolescence. New York: McGraw Hill.
Tonkin, A., & Jureidini, J. (2005). Wishful thinking: antidepressant drugs in childhood
depression. The British Journal of Psychiatry, Vol. 187, pp. 304-305.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Entitlement

I used to think that having grown up with two public school teachers as parents had given me a biased view of what public school and teenagers were all about. My father quit teaching when I was pretty young, and eventually went back to it, but my mom has always taught, and still does. She teaches orchestra, and built a huge, statewide recognized program in Rogers from virtually nothing. But teaching an elective also has its downside, especially when you're dealing with something like music, where egos tend to become oversized and demanding. I'll never forget when I was in 8th grade, seeing my mom sitting in her car in the parking lot of my junior high, sobbing uncontrollably, because she'd just come from a meeting at the high school where she taught, where a group of students, led by their coddling parents, had decided to make my mother's life miserable. She couldn't bear to come inside the classroom in that condition, obviously, and it took her 15 minutes to collect herself enough to do so. This particular group of students, who all had horribly pretentious, overbearing parents, had decided that they had outgrown my mother's musical instruction, that she wasn't giving them the credit they rightfully deserved, that she was treating them unfairly, and that perhaps she was no longer suited for that job, and someone else should step in. I don't recall all the details; my mom tried to hide them from me the best she could since I knew all of these students and their families, and a couple of them went to our church, but from that day forward, my mother has barely been able to conceal her contempt for each of those students and their parents. Even to this day, and that was like, 17 years ago. Because of them, after that year she quit teaching high school and taught only elementary and junior high students. I know that was a really heartbreaking decision for my mom to make. She loved teaching high school, and many of her students went on to major in music in college and have rewarding careers as professional players or teachers, and she loved being there through all those transitions, and she loved many of them personally. But I guess it's sort of how if someone breaks your heart, it's impossible to ever go back to the way things were before, even if you want to. It's over.

So in a sense, those awful kids won: they got a new instructor, though this time it was a man, and they didn't go any easier on him. In their senior year he got leukemia and actually began dying, and they showed absolutely no compassion or support, and the worse he got, the harder they tried to make things on him, because somehow they perceived it as being shortchanged on the education they should be getting.

Over the years since then, though, things haven't gotten much better. My mother eventually moved to a whole new school district in a whole new town to start a whole new program from the ground up, and already in the second year, she was facing many of the same problems, the same egos, and the same overbearing parents, but this time, it was starting in 7th and 8th grade, not 10th or 11th. She's had parents in her office literally screaming at her because little Johnny isn't first chair violin, even though little Johnny doesn't practice and is disruptive in class. She's been called a bitch, told she's a horrible teacher, told she's unsuitable, been threatened, and had parents rip their kids out of her class because she won't acquiese to every demand. This is what education in America has come to.

Being an older student at a private, mostly-white and upper-class university has been interesting for me. Professors confide in me. They see that I'm different, that I work really hard, that I make an effort to work with them, and come to them in humility when I have an issue, instead of in anger and entitlement. Obviously, I'm not the only student like this, but I can only speak from my experience. And a couple of professors there have told me the same stories. So much entitlement. That's the word they always use. Parents who call up screaming at them because their child got a B, or students who throw hissy fits in the professors' office because they failed the class, but didn't bother to show up for half the semester and failed two tests. It seems to be an epidemic, and it's terrifying. These same college kids are no doubt the same kids and parents who give people like my mom such a hard time and suck out what little joy or fulfillment she ever found in teaching.

I never understood the psychology behind any of this. Even as a child it was baffling. These kids will never learn to fail and pick themselves up; they'll never learn emotional coping skills or experience the fulfillment of real success and struggle.

This whole post was inspired by another post I just read about the exact same thing (albeit much shorter) with a link to a jaw-dropping ABC news story about how employers are now even feeling the heat from parents, but shockingly, they're bowing to them! Parents have created a whole generation of crippled adults, which in some ways is better news for those of us who have actually learned to struggle and cope and don't expect handouts: it can only make us that much more appealing in a glutted and overly-competitive job market.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Thirty, clumsy, and shy

Today I had my last final of the semester, in my Counseling class. Afterwards, I went to lunch with a couple of friends from the class, David and Rebecca. Both of them are also "non-traditional" students like me: David is 33, and Rebecca is a 45-year-old single mother of 3(!) putting her life back together after a disastrous marriage and some intense hardship. I've known her for 2 semesters, but we never really spoke much until the last few weeks, when we totally bonded over the fact that we both want to specialize in sexual minorities and people with "gender issues" (transsexuals, transgenders, intersexed children and their families, etc) in our future therapeutic practices. David is graduating this semester, and is about to head to graduate school in San Francisco in about a month; he's getting a PsyD, also, and I say also because I have definitively decided that's what I want. It's a big commitment, but I've decided it's important to me. Teaching is important to me, and so is the prestige, if you want to know the truth. I'll be a doctor! It's crazy to think about. I won't lie, I want the title.

Anyway, we had a really great talk about grad schools, and our futures, and we all three thought it would be incredible to finish up, get our degrees, and then start our own little practice, with three little offices in one building, with each of our names on the doors. David and I both sort of assume, barring something crazy, that we'll both come back to Austin when we're done, and Rebecca's getting her Master's in Counseling at St. Edwards, because she can't really take off for somewhere far away.

When I got home from work tonight I had two packets from schools: from the Wright Institute in Berkeley, and from Antioch in Keene, New Hampshire. I began flipping through them, looking at course descriptions and faculty, and I started getting a weird panicky feeling.

Like, wow, am I really doing this? Am I really going to take 3 semesters of Statistics? Am I really going to take courses called "Intervention: Cognitive-Behavioral," and "Advanced Psychopathology and Psychodiagnosis," and "Neuropsychological Screening?" I guess I am. Am I really going to have to start sending out applications when I get back from camp in August? I guess I am. Both colleges included applications with the packets they sent me, complete with letters of recommendation forms and invitations to come visit the schools. Within 9 months from now, I'll be flying here and there to go to interviews. It's like finding a new job. With a 5-year minimum commitment. It's scary as hell. Exciting, thrilling, inspiring. But terrifying. Time-wise, moving-wise, money-wise. So much commitment. But on the other hand, I swear to God I can't think of a single thing in the world I'd rather do. It feels so right, I feel so strong and confident about it, I lay awake at night thinking about it like a kid on Christmas Eve.

So luckily, there are only about 40 PsyD programs in the whole country, so finding places I wanted to go and narrowing it down was much easier than trying to wade through all the Master's options. So here are my school choices, and where I will be sending application packets this fall, in no (mostly) particular order (If you're bored of my talking about grad schools, I'm sorry. I know I'm a broken record right now, but it really does constitute the better part of my brain these days, most of the time):

Pacific University, Portland;
the Wright Institute, Berkeley (it's right across the street from Stanford!);
Rutgers, Piscataway, New Jersey (they invented the PsyD degree, back in the 60's);
the Massachusetts School of Professional Psychology, Boston;
Antioch, in Keene, New Hampshire;
and just for kicks -
George Washington University in D.C.

So wish me luck. I'm totally obsessed.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Damn, maybe I should be looking into Duke!!

Does any other undergraduate institution make calendars of their rugby teams, that have players that look like this!??!?


I joined their Facebook group! Ha.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

What if I started making everyone call me Dr. Cox?

I had a meeting today after class with my Counseling professor about my grad school plans. I've been feeling a lot of confusion about what, exactly, the best route is for what I want. So many Counseling Master's degrees are different from one another, and have different specialties, and some are in Psychology departments, some are in Liberal Arts & Sciences departments, some are in Education departments.

So I reiterated exactly what I want (I just want to have my own little practice someday, with my own little office with a plaque on the door where I have clients that come and see me for average developmental and personality issues, like anxiety or depression. I'm not too interested in working with the seriously ill like schizophrenics or people with bi-polar disorder or whatever. As noble as that is, it's just not in me.)

After expressing my complete disinterest at this point in getting a PhD due to my complete and utter disinterest in research and science, she asked me if I'd ever considered a PsyD.

Well no, actually, I hadn't. I wasn't even sure what a PsyD was.

So she explained that it was very similar to a PhD in that it was a doctoral degree, and took about the same amount of time to attain (an average of 5 years), but instead of focusing so heavily on research and science, it focuses on clinical/counseling work. In other words, hands-on counseling training instead of working in a lab or spending all day in libraries. And you still get to be a doctor!

I have to say, the idea is extremely tempting. And as she said, simply getting a Master's is perfectly viable and legitimate for what I want to do, and there's no shame in it, but that having that "Doctor" in front of your name really does set you apart. And opens lots more doors, including professorial opportunities. Which, she added, can be very helpful in cushioning your income and skills a little bit while you practice, especially when you're starting out. Because just up and starting your own practice isn't as easy as people think it is.

She then went on to tell me that she truly believes I'll make a great therapist. I really put people at ease, she said, and I was open, and warm, and approachable. She added, "You're very real," and honest, and that makes people want to open up to me. She also said that there was not a single doubt in her mind that I was capable of doing excellent doctoral work, and that she would recommend me to anyone.

It was such an awesome thing for her to say, I was sort of flying all day. And I know she wouldn't say it if she didn't mean it. She's not one to blow smoke.

(Can I also just add that it feels so incredible to finally find that thing that really makes me tick. That thing that I feel confident about excelling in, that I have no problem seeing in my future, and that makes me feel secure and sure of myself, and inspires people to say things to me like what my professor said. People don't say that to people who haven't found what they were meant to do yet. It's like a huge load being lifted.)

So anyway. All of this has really got me thinking, and after spending months narrowing down grad school options, I've now begun all over again with a separate list of schools that offer PsyD programs (which are very few, I might add; most just offer PhD's). In fact, I spent about 2 hours this afternoon on Google looking at schools. With a new Excel spreadsheet open. The idea of 6(!) more years in school (including one more year at St. Eds) is a daunting prospect, but I think in the end it would pay off. And you start practicing your second year of graduate school at most places. And teaching. So, I've got some serious decisions to make. And fairly soon.

Also, I offically registered for the GRE today. I'm taking it on May 30th. Oy.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Well, we made it onto CNN this morning, but not for anything good.

Some of you may have heard that shortly after 8 am today the Main Building at St. Edwards was evacuated (where I happened to have just arrived for class, actually on time for once) due to a vague bomb threat. Soon thereafter, the rest of campus was evacuated and locked down temporarily, while everyone was corralled to the soccer fields, away from buildings, and where we could all be in the open. Classes were cancelled for the whole day for campus to be searched and secured. I'm sure it was nothing, and I just saw it as an opportunity to go home at 9:30 on a day I normally don't get home until almost 1.

I've written before about how much I love my counseling professor (in fact, more than once), but today she just really drove it home. This afternoon she sent out this email to all of her students:

Hi, gang ..

It occurred to me, as I was standing outside near the soccer field this
morning, that some of you might prefer not to be on campus today or
tonight. There are lots of reasons for feeling this way, but the one that
comes to mind right away is simply not feeling safe. After the shooting
at Virginia Tech yesterday and the bomb threat this morning, some of you
may be feeling that things seem a bit out of control.

If that's the case for you and you'd rather spend the night somewhere else
tonight, please know that you're invited to my house. I have some extra
mattresses and lots of floor space. Bring your favorite DVD and pillow
and come on out. We'll pop some popcorn and watch movies, very informal.
I'll include directions at the end of this email. Since I have a supper
engagement, I'll leave a house key under the back doormat. Make yourself
at home. I'll be home around 7:30. Make yourself at home if you get
there before I get back.

I understand that most of you may be doing fine. But I wanted you to have
an option if you're feeling unsafe. Let me know if you think you'll be
coming out.

Hang in there,

Helen J.


She then included very specific directions to her house.

God! How sweet is she? I almost want to go just to go hang out with her.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

This thing has turned into a runaway train

I met with my advisor yesterday morning to set up my schedule for next semester, and we decided that I will certifiably be graduating next May. I always pretty much knew that's when I would be graduating, but to now have confirmation of it, to know exactly what I will be taking the next 2 semesters, because I only have exactly 10 classes left, is really exciting. It seems much more real now than it previously has. And I can't believe how quickly it's gone by!

But it's also completely terrifying. Because it seems much more real now than it previously has. That means, seriously, my days in Austin are numbered. When I think about it abstractly, it was always exciting and fun to think about moving on to a new city and school somewhere else next Fall, but now...it just scares the shit out of me. What a difference a day can make.

It's still exciting, but last night I laid awake thinking about all there is to do: take the GRE (probably at least twice, which needs to happen this summer), and then start collecting all of my materials for grad school applications, which all needs to happen by this fall! I've narrowed my list down to 6 schools, and even that seems daunting when I think about all that needs to go to each one.

I also got offered a job last week at a summer camp: Camp Pinnacle. I haven't actually accepted yet, because I'm still waiting to hear back from the summer research position I applied for at the University of Maryland, which I want more than almost anything right now. I'm not holding my breath about it, but if it doesn't come through, I'm heading to Pinnacle. It's in the Blue Ridge Mountains in North Carolina, right outside Asheville, which would also be awesome, because I could go hang out with Matt on all my days off. I also talked to my Counseling and Guidance professor yesterday about taking her internship class over the summer, and using my job at the camp as my internship, which she was totally down with. Which would save me so much trouble, since you have to put in 150 hours of internship for the class. I thought I was gonna have to do that in the fall, along with working, along with going to school full-time, and I had no idea how I was gonna manage it.

Also, it turns out, my professor is from that area of North Carolina, and has a cabin there, and her kids all still live there. And, her whole family has been involved with Camp Pinnacle since it's inception! Her grandfather, father, and 2 or 3 uncles all were counselors there, and she grew up going to the camp in the summers, and has several grandkids and nephews and nieces that still go there every summer. So she and I totally geeked out about that for awhile, and she got very excited that I would probably be working there. So that was fun.

I was on Cloud 9 all day yesterday. Until, of course, I went to bed, and then I laid there tossing and turning thinking about everything I need to get done in the next 6 or 7 months. That may seem like a long time, but I realize now it flies, and it feels like a lot. Driving to class this morning, I started thinking about how I already miss Austin. I'm gonna cry like a baby driving away from here. I'm getting choked up now thinking about it.