Wednesday, August 30, 2006


Every student at St. Eds received an email from the Dean this afternoon notifying us of a sophomore found dead in his room this morning, from an "alcohol-related death." It's only the third day of school.

Not that being the third day or being the 87th day makes it any different, but it's weird. I wonder how campus is going to be tomorrow.

I also think it's interesting how in the email it makes a point of saying that the death is alcohol-related, as opposed to just saying, you know, the body of so and so was found, please remember his family, etc in your prayers. Which it did, but then also threw in the whole alcohol thing. You think they do that deliberately as some kind of warning to students or something? I guess when someone dies, it's as good a time as any.

Saved by the Butts

Yesterday, all the gay bloggers in the land were all in a tizzy about leaked photos from the upcoming season of Nip/Tuck, in which Mario "A.C. Slater" Lopez joins the cast as a third surgeon, and of course he and Dr. Troy start gettin' it on at the gym. Or something.

Naturally, that's the direction Dr. Troy would go in. He's a raging sex addict, a complete mysoginist, and hasn't been interested in a woman for more than 15 minutes, ever. And he's a total narcissist. All that equals latent homosexuality.

It's too bad, really, that I don't find either of them particularly attractive.

I'm very excited about season 4, though, even though I haven't seen season 3 yet. Most of season 2 was occupied by the Carver, which was totally boring and ridiculous. He was basically a serial rapist who wore a funny mask and only attacked supermodels, and raped them and slashed their faces to make some mundane point about how pretty people have life so much easier than everybody else, or some bullshit. At least he was equal opportunity: he'd rape and pillage both boys and girls. So the doctors started taking on the victims as clients (for free, of course, because they're wonderful people) and as the television world dictates, the Carver started stalking them and attacked Dr. Macnamara in his home, after he kicked his wife out of the house for sleeping with his best friend (Dr. Troy) like, 85 years ago, and he'd just finished fucking a blow-up doll made from one of Dr. Troy's ex-girlfriends who was hitting it big in the porn world, because he was kind of in love with her, very attracted to her, and he missed his wife, even though he wouldn't let her come back.

(Actually, the reason he kicked her out and was so mad was because she finally revealed that their 18-year-old son was actually Dr. Troy's, and no one knew but her; meanwhile their son was having an affair with his middle-aged "life coach," played by Famke Janssen, who turned out to be a MTF transsexual, but no one knew that either until Dr. Troy tried to fuck her, and surprise!, she had no vagina. Then Dr. Mcnamara's wife spiraled into an out of control depression and became addicted to mixing painkillers and alcohol, then one night stumbled through a glass door in her new, depressing apartment, cutting her face all up, which her husband had to reconstruct for her, but still wouldn't let her come back home. Which was all extremely depressing.)

Such is the world of Nip/Tuck. So I know the Carver mystery gets solved in season 3, and I still don't know who it is, though I have a pretty good idea.

I should be blogging about school or something. There's a whole in my life now that Six Feet Under is over.

Monday, August 28, 2006

SexyBack (to school!)

Today is my first day back at school. I have class at 9. Child Development. Then I have Social Psychology, and that's all for today. I'm very excited about both of those classes. I'm also really excited about my Neuroscience class, but that's not until next semester.

I will always be a creature of habit and routine, I'm afraid. This summer was really nice for a couple of weeks once I returned from Mexico (and it only seems like a couple of weeks ago that Kurt was dropping me off at the bus station and telling me I was gonna have so much fun when I expressed my reservations about going), but then when the new of being home wore off, I was kind of climbing up the walls. I had no job, no school, and nothing to structure my day. So I developed my own structure, which was getting up at the same time every day, doing my breakfast thing, where I drink my coffee, cook up som eggs, and settle down in front of the computer to read the news, blogs, etc.

I enjoy doing that a lot more, though, on days like today, when I can only do it for a few minutes (instead of indefinitely, until I just decide to do something else), and then I have to go. To school.

Friday, August 25, 2006

I can't believe this violence in mind

I had a horrible day at work today, beginning with the mustard bottle exploding all over my purple American Apparel shirt (we don't have uniforms) and probably completely ruining it. Then it culminated in one of the most unpleasant customers I've ever had.

His total came to some dollar amount and 10 cents, and he gave me shit about the 10 cents, asking if I could just let it slide, because he hated having a pocketful of change. I suggested he could put it in the tip jar (a bit snidely, I admit), and he actually laughed and said, "A ninety cent tip for making me a salad?" I guess it was a rhetorical question.

I wanted to jump over the counter and knock him to the ground and kick in his face until it collapsed and his brains oozed all over the floor, and then take a shit in them, and shove it all back down his neck.

Then he wanted a smoothie, which he didn't like, and made me dump out and make him another one. Then I wanted a pack of wild dogs to come in and eat his entire body while he was still alive and screaming.

I hate making generalizations, but I have to say, the longer I work in service jobs, the more I'm convinced that 95% of all rich people really are just total dicks. Thank god I only have two days of this job left.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

I Love Books

So, I totally stole this from someone that reads Collier's blog, and he tagged her, so now I'm doing it, even though no one tagged me. I'm not going to tag anyone either, because there are too many people I know who have blogs, so I think everyone who reads this, who also has their own, should do it.

Book that:

Changed my life?
The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck, MD. My grandma bought it for me when I was 17. Or 18. Little did she know that it would kick-start my interest in psychology and (inadvertently) lead me to where I am today. Also, I learned a lot.

I've read more than once?
There are lots, but my favorite books are:
Giovanni's Room by James Baldwin (3 times)
The End of the Affair by Graham Greene (2 times)
The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck (all the way through at least twice, and skimmed countless other times)
The Secret History by Donna Tartt (2 times)
Less Than Zero by Bret Easton Ellis (2 times)
The Rules of Attraction by Bret Easton Ellis (3 times)
and some random others:
Les Miserables by Victor Hugo (2 times, abridged and unabridged)
The Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux (countless times in junior high!)

I'd want on a desert island?
Something about survival, but past that, probably Selected Stories by Andre Dubus.

Made me laugh?
Eighty-Sixed by David Feinberg. It's about AIDS. And hilarious. I know; but it's true.

Made me cry?
Honestly, I don't know that a book has ever made me cry, but some of them have made me incredibly sad and just look up from the page and stare at the wall for ages, comprehending their brevity of wisdom and pain. Three of those top ones are:
Giovanni's Room by James Baldwin (This, really, is my favorite book of all time.)
Another Country by James Baldwin (He, really, is my favorite author of all time.)
We the Living by Ayn Rand.

I wish had been written?
Well, a couple of weeks ago I finally found the book I've been searching for for years. It wasn't written until 2005. Hmph. If I hadn't found it, I would have written it eventually, but it's called The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the pain of growing up gay in a straight man's world by Alan Downs, PH.D.
Yeah, it's got a hokey title, but it's amazing, and incredibly smart. And I can think of a few people who should probably read it. Come to think of it, I cried reading this book. So I amend my answer to the last question, but I'm not going to actually change it.

I wish had never been written?

I think everything has its place, and it would be incredibly snobby of me to say something along the lines of anything by John Grisham or whatnot, so I'll go with one book that I know has been the scapegoat for horrific suffering in the world and that is The Elders of Zion, by whatever asshole that wrote it.

I'm currently reading?
I'm really schizophrenic when it comes to books, and I'll often pick something up, read part of it, then go to something else, read that, then come back to the first book, and so on and so on. I'll often also have several books going at once, so right now, what's lying next to my bed:
My Dark Places by James Ellroy, which I'm devouring at the moment.
In September the Light Changes, the Stories of Andrew Holleran
, by, duh, Andrew Holleran.
One Palestine, Complete: Jews and Arabs under the British Mandate by Tom Segev.
The Wheel of Life: A Memoir of Living and Dying by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D.
Thinking in Pictures: My Life with Autism by Temple Grandin
The Garden of Eden by Ernest Hemingway.

I've been meaning to read?
Their Eyes were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston. I've started this book, like, 3 times.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Free bags of blow, anyone?

Contrary to popular belief, I'm not a big fan of trolling for porn on the internet. I just find it depressing, gross and boring, and much prefer to have the real thing, especially if he cuddles and cooks me eggs and bacon in the morning.

However, whenever I do get that little itch, there's pretty much only one site I ever check out, which is Sean Cody. He pretty consistently delivers the goods, from high production values, to pretty much always having cute boys.

He does, however, have this really schlocky concept, which is that all the dudes are straight, and just "fooling around," or have been curious, but never done anything with a guy, or were raised in some bat-shit crazy religious household and they're rebelling, like, big-time! All of which is to say that I found a totally hilarious (but short) essay online today from another Sean Cody fan deconstructing the intros, and interpreting what they really mean. If you're not already familiar with how hokey they are, it might not be so funny to you. Money quote:

For those of you unfamiliar with Sean Cody's brilliant shtick, he tries to pass off his models as innocent straight boys picked off a California beach. Is anybody really buying this crap? I'm certainly not. Yet I still read every bio because I get a kick out of his retarded prose and the latest straight-guy-in-peril dilemma. Oh no, Patrick's girlfriend is withholding sex! He's gotta pound some dude's ass to unwind.

Then he gets on to the actual sentence-by-sentence deconstructing, which is really funny. And probably not far off from the truth. The essay is totally SFW, by the way. No pics or nothin'. Just some good ole-fashioned bitchiness.

Also, changing the subject slightly, if anyone's interested, the new issue of Rolling Stone, with X-tina on the cover, has an AMAZING interview with Kurt Vonnegut. Dude, that guy is off the chain! I remember reading one of his books when I was 18 (probably Slaughterhouse Five, but I sadly don't remember), and enjoying it, but it never really whetting my appetite for more. I'm starting to reconsider my ambivalence.

He basically talks the whole time about how as a race, we're completely doomed, there's no reversing it now, and no amount of environmental awareness or goodwill can save us now. He also threatens to sue the cigarette companies for their products not killing him yet, and calls Dubya a "phony Christian." I think my favorite quote of the whole article is this one:

"Humans are a mistake. We have destroyed our entire planet over transportation-whoopee. The Bush administration says it's conducting a war against drugs? Then let them bust the oil lobby. Talk about an awful, destructive substance. You pump this gas stuff into your car and you can zoom a hundred miles an hour, kill pets and shatter the atmosphere to smithereens...Life," he says, "is no way to treat an animal."

Wednesday, August 16, 2006


When I talked to my mom yesterday, she told me that one of my high school teacher's sons was killed in a boating accident on Friday. It's really sad, not just because he's her son, obviously, but her only son, he was very young, and she was divorced, and raised him alone, and they had a really great relationship. And she taught us how to make jell-o shots in 11th grade health class.

For some reason, I was thinking her son was someone else, someone I had known in high school. So I did a google search on him this morning, and not only realized that I didn't, in fact, know her son (he's 7 years younger than me), but I also found this. Which he's on. Jason Mooney.

I find this so fucking creepy and in poor taste, like it's almost mocking them or something. Or it just feels very cold and detached, with the little fucking drawing of the skull on top, right above the 19-year-old girl who got beaten to death by her boyfriend. Lovely.

One more reason for me to hate MySpace.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

"Where I come from we kill you."

Joel, over at The Search for Love in Manhattan has a really intense and terrifying story on his blog today about an "incident" on a downtown train yesterday afternoon, where he accidentally jostled a man on a very crowded train, and had it nearly turn into a serious gay-bashing incident. It's incredible to me that something like this could happen on a crowded train, in Manhattan, of all places, and that it could get taken so far. Even having grown up in Arkansas, and frequently being in situations where I felt very threatened, there was only one time where anything ever really went down in public, in front of a lot of people, that had me really scared, and also wondering what the fuck was wrong with everybody else that no one was saying anything.

One night in Fayetteville, when I was in college, me and two male friends went to Waffle House, and sat down, and were just being our normal selves, whatever. It was a weekend night, and the place was packed, but for some reason, the redneck fuckhead sitting at the booth behind ours took great offense at our mere presence as soon as we walked in. He started complaining very loudly to his girlfriend or wife or whatever, about how he was trying to eat his breakfast and he had to sit there and watch "three faggots sit there and play with each other's dicks right in front of me." We knew he was talking about us, but we had no idea what he was talking about, so we thought it was sort of funny, and tried to ignore him. His complaining grew increasingly louder, and one of my friends decided he wanted to leave, but I refused. Finally the man slammed down his silverware on his table and walked over to ours and started screaming at us about being dirty fucking faggots, and playing with each other's dicks in public, and how wanted to vomit, etc etc. You could have heard a mouse run across the floor in that place; I'm not kidding. Everyone stopped what they were doing, even the waitresses just stood there and stared at this man, and us, sitting there silently and humiliated. The man then went and sat back down, and I kid you not, his female companion said, "What is wrong with you? You've been so grumpy lately."

Needless to say, my friends and I up and high-tailed it out of there with our tails between our legs. There were several boys from one of my classes in there too, just a couple of booths down from us. I can't remember a time in my life where I'd been that humiliated, either before that or since then. And angry. The helplessness, and shame, and fear, and embarrassment you feel in a situation like that is unbelievable. Maybe other people would have handled it differently, but we were three skinny little punky-looking 18-year-old boys who'd never been in any kind of fight in our whole lives. And no one said a word to us in our defense, even to apologize. Of course the man wasn't removed, and as we walked out, past the silent, staring faces, not even a waitress or manager approached us to apologize or call the police on our behalf.

I really like to think that if something like that were to happen to me now, I would handle it much differently, and not be so paralyzed, to stand up for myself in some way. Though Joel, in his story, did retaliate in his own way, and later only regretted not standing up for himself in a way that didn't "confirm these two men's prejudices," in a situation like that, you rarely think rationally. I'm glad he did something, and didn't let these two wackos think that they can just get away with that shit, though ultimately, as I'm sure Joel learned, it probably would have been best to have just ignored them.

All of which brings me to a really great book I read last week that I've been wanting to write a bit about, but this entry is already so long, I guess it'll have to wait. But it all applies. Glad you're okay, Joel.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Even my heart was smart enough to stay behind

Sometimes a Missed Connection can be so sweet. God, I'm such a sappy romantic. But anyone who mentions going to war, drinking away their sorrow, and listening to George Strait is okay in my book. Even if their grammar is bad. And they blatantly drink and drive.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Practice Makes Perfect

I feel really weird about this blog now because of this. It's very flattering, I guess, that people thought enough of my entry in the first place to mention it, but that also means someone out there is reading it, and that makes me feel slightly uncomfortable. When I first started this blog, it was just for me, but seeing as how I can't ever keep any of my own god damn secrets (though I'm getting better about it), of course I told people. But even then, it was only intended for my friends, and people who knew me. I've revealed a LOT of myself on here, and perhaps a little about other people that might have crossed some boundaries, and I guess I always knew there was the risk that people would read it, but I never actually thought they would. Maybe it's nothing, and maybe the only two people that have read it are the ones that left the comments (thank you, by the way. Seriously.), but it makes me feel a little territorial, and a little creeped out, I guess. I have no one to blame, since I'm posting all of my (well, a lot of) thoughts and feelings on the internet. *Sigh* So I'm thinking that perhaps I should just pull back a little bit and not be quite so open about so many things on this here blog. But it seems that's what people like about it. Or not? I don't know. It's a dilemma.

Anyway, I went out with Jody tonight to meet up with some of her friends at Sidebar to watch Project Runway, which was fun. I've only seen the show twice, the first time being this past weekend in Dallas with Mandy. I'd already picked my favorite contestant, and he was the one that got booted off tonight. So sad. His designs are pretty tragic, but I just liked him a lot. He was really funny and just sort of cavalier about all of it. I've been spending a lot of time with Jody lately, and she's really fun. I'm so glad we've been able to become friends again. She started a Tuesday night writers workshop thing that I've been going to which I enjoy a lot. Next Tuesday we're workshopping one of my stories, so that should be interesting. It's been good for me. My creative brain has been so fucking dead at the wheel lately, so it's refreshing to have homework, and exercises to do, and kind of get that part of me back in action. It's like going to the gym for my brain. Which, admittedly, since getting back from Mexico, has pretty much just sat on its proverbial couch, eating Chee-tos and reading Us Weekly.

Anyway, the main reason I went out tonight is because I've just been such a homebody lately, and on Monday I decided that I was going to make myself leave the house for at least an hour every day, just to keep myself from slitting my wrists, and so at the very least, I'll have to get dressed. "Going out" still kind of scares me. Like, going to bars, with the intention of meeting up with people I don't really know (in this case, Jody's friends), and their friends, and just hanging out. I still have so much armor up, but a life of solitude is no life, so I'm coming out of my exile, bit by bit. (I mean, it's not like I never go out and hang out with people, but I guess I mean going out with people I don't know that well, with the intention of possibly meeting other people, instead of just sitting with my friends that I've known for years, and putting up my blinders to all else.) It doesn't make me as nervous as it did a few months ago, or depressed, so that's good. Most of the time, though, I just feel like I've seen and done it all. I wish it was possible to meet people and make new friends and go to parties and all that without ever actually leaving your house. Or at the very least, your very sheltered, cozy, friendly, comfort zone. So, as I told Jody tonight, I need to start going out more, so I need to start practicing. Which is what I was doing tonight. And why going out to Sidebar tonight to watch Project Runway is practicing instead of actually just going out, I don't know. But in my mind, it was. Life is so hard. It really sucks sometimes.

Mandy's Music Challenge

Mandy posted this list "challenge" on her blog, and considering how much free time I have these days, and how long it's been since I posted anything, I'll attempt to fulfill it. (I'll also put in a disclaimer that "favorite" is a very strong word.) (Disclaimer 2: I haven't paid much attention to music in the past couple of years, and have become scarily un-hip; not that I was incredibly hip before....)

* What's a great late night song? The entire Walkie-Talkie album by Air.

* Name 5-10 wistful/bittersweet songs: I May Hate Myself in the Morning (But I'm Gonna Love You Tonight)/Lee Anne Womack
The Dance/Garth Brooks,
Angel of the Morning/Juice Newton,
Late Night Maudlin Street/Morrissey,
Hey That's no Way to say Goodbye/Leonard Cohen,
Mammoth Cave/Holopaw,
Moon River/Henry Mancini,
Everytime/Britney Spears (shut up, it's a really sad song!),
Jonathan David/Belle & Sebastian,
Doll Parts/Hole,
One More Hour/Sleater Kinney (is that 11 songs?)

* The 4 Best Songs Ever Written: Yeah right.

* 3 Current Favorite Songs: The Adventure/Angels & Airwaves, Samson/Regina Spektor, Move Along/All-American Rejects

* Classic Early Evening Drinking Music: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road/Elton John (any of that old Elton John stuff)

* 3 All Time Faves That Never Get Old To You: Billie Jean/Michael Jackson, Happy Together/The Turtles, Can't Take My Eyes off of You/Frankie Valli

* Song You Want (or did) To Play At Your Wedding: Let it Be Me/Willie Nelson

* 4 Records You Really Dug from 2005: Extraordinary Machine/Fiona Apple, Plans/Death Cab for Cutie, There's More Where That Came From/Lee Ann Womack, Confessions on a Dancefloor/Madonna

* Favorite Records From This Year So Far: Dixie Chicks, Regina Spektor, Angels & Airwaves

* Good Angry Songs: Violet/Hole, I'm Waking Up to Us/Belle & Sebastian, Anything by Kelly Clarkson, the entirety of the Dear You record by Jawbreaker

* One of Your Favorite Lyrics: Time provides the rope/But love will tie the slipknot/And I will be the chair you kick away.

* 5 Cover Songs Arguably Better Than the Original: It's My Life/No Doubt, Hazy Shade of Winter/The Bangles, The Bluest Eyes in Texas/Nina Persson, Hurt/Johnny Cash

* Great Dance Song You Maybe Never Realized Was a Great Dance Song Back in the Day:

* Good Albums To Workout To: pop-punk crap

* Good Album to Clean The House To: Easy/Kelly Willis

* Good Dining Music: Anything classical

* Good Album To Have Sex To: Depends what kind of sex you're having! I've been doing it with country music on lately. Mid-tempo stuff.

* A Good Album To Put You In the Mood (that is NOT Sade, Marvin Gaye or Barry White): Again, depends what kind of sex you wanna have.

* Good Album To Sleep To: The last 3 songs of Disintegration by the Cure.

* 5 Good Rock Songs That You Can Dance To: Since U Been Gone/Kelly C., Welcome to the Jungle/Guns 'N Roses, Roots Radical/Rancid,

* Song That Is Too Damn Sad: I See a Darkness/Bonnie Prince Billy

* Great Love Song: Amarillo by Morning/George Strait (It's a love song about life)

* An Album Full of Tenderness: New Skin for the Old Ceremony/Leonard Cohen

* Song To An Ex That Isn't Meanspirited: A Fire I Can't Put Out/George Strait

* Song To An Ex That Is Kinda Meanspirited: Fireman/Jawbreaker

Wow, I just realized both of those songs have to do with fire; that totally wasn't intentional.

* Song to Listen to While in The Country Looking at Stars: Slowdive is good for that. In a really generic way.

* Song to lose your Mind to:

* Song To Cry In Your Pillow to: Good Woman/Cat Power. Also, When You were Mine/Dixie Chicks.

* Songs That Make You Feel Amped and Inspired: Intravenous/Catherine Wheel

* Great Semi-Obscure B-side: You Never Wash up After Yourself/Radiohead, on the "My Iron Lung" E.P.

* Song That Makes You Miss Your Mom: Anything by Mozart

* That's Baby Makin' Music (No, Really): Gross. Why does "baby makin" sound so dirty? Milkshake/Kelis.

* Criminally Underrated Band That Didn't Get Attention and Then Broke Up:

* Best Fuck You I Am a Teenager in Pain Song: Head Like a Hole/Nine Inch Nails

* Feel No Shame: Great Current Pop Songs: Stars are Blind/Paris Hilton, SOS/Rihanna

* Album No One Would Expect You To Love: Anything I put here is probably going to make me look naive. But I'll say Stripped/Christina Aguilera.

* Album No One Would Expect You To Dislike: the last Sleater Kinney, which I didn't dislike, I just wasn't interested.

* Album No One Would Expect You To Really Know: Summerteeth/Wilco

* Emo Album You Actually Like: Anything by Jets to Brazil

* Good, But Overrated Cause Of Indie Revisionism: I have no idea what this means.

* 5 Desert Island Discs off the top of your head (30 sec clock): Disintegration/the Cure, Little Earthquakes/Tori Amos, The Singles 1992-2003/No Doubt, 50 Number 1's/George Strait, Different Class/Pulp

Hmmm.... that's kind of a lame list. but it was off the top of my head.

* 3 Contemporary Artists That Were Your Faves 10 Years Ago: Moby, Courtney Love, Pet Shop Boys

* Music That Makes You Feel Sophisticated: Shostakovich

* Fave Electronic Record You Own: Risotto/Fluke (I think this is the only electronic record I currently own, unless I'm misinterpreting what "electronic" means)

* Fave Hip-Hop Record You Own: Honest to God, I don't think I own a single hip-hop record.

* Hip-Hop Song You Know All the Lyrics Too: I don't know. Shoop?

* Random Album You Loved In High School But Are Afraid To Admit It: I'm not afraid to admit anything. I loved Body Mind Soul by Debbie Gibson. I thought it was sexy. and anything by My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult. I thought it freaked people out.

* Album You May Have Listened To More In Highschool than Any Other Album: Automatic for the People/REM. Or Little Earthquakes. That would be a toss-up.

* If You Could Enter A Wrestling Ring to a Song It Would Be: Bloodclot/Rancid

* Album To Clear A Room With: Speaking of Rancid, that Transplants record.

Thursday, August 03, 2006


I just did a Google search on myself, which I do periodically, to see if anything new has popped up, and sure enough, I found something very interesting this time that I'd never seen before. Apparently, my short film, black-eyed, is in some kind of archive in a library in London, as a resource on domestic violence awareness.

That's weird, but also weirdly flattering. I wonder how it even got there.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006