Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Practice Makes Perfect

I feel really weird about this blog now because of this. It's very flattering, I guess, that people thought enough of my entry in the first place to mention it, but that also means someone out there is reading it, and that makes me feel slightly uncomfortable. When I first started this blog, it was just for me, but seeing as how I can't ever keep any of my own god damn secrets (though I'm getting better about it), of course I told people. But even then, it was only intended for my friends, and people who knew me. I've revealed a LOT of myself on here, and perhaps a little about other people that might have crossed some boundaries, and I guess I always knew there was the risk that people would read it, but I never actually thought they would. Maybe it's nothing, and maybe the only two people that have read it are the ones that left the comments (thank you, by the way. Seriously.), but it makes me feel a little territorial, and a little creeped out, I guess. I have no one to blame, since I'm posting all of my (well, a lot of) thoughts and feelings on the internet. *Sigh* So I'm thinking that perhaps I should just pull back a little bit and not be quite so open about so many things on this here blog. But it seems that's what people like about it. Or not? I don't know. It's a dilemma.

Anyway, I went out with Jody tonight to meet up with some of her friends at Sidebar to watch Project Runway, which was fun. I've only seen the show twice, the first time being this past weekend in Dallas with Mandy. I'd already picked my favorite contestant, and he was the one that got booted off tonight. So sad. His designs are pretty tragic, but I just liked him a lot. He was really funny and just sort of cavalier about all of it. I've been spending a lot of time with Jody lately, and she's really fun. I'm so glad we've been able to become friends again. She started a Tuesday night writers workshop thing that I've been going to which I enjoy a lot. Next Tuesday we're workshopping one of my stories, so that should be interesting. It's been good for me. My creative brain has been so fucking dead at the wheel lately, so it's refreshing to have homework, and exercises to do, and kind of get that part of me back in action. It's like going to the gym for my brain. Which, admittedly, since getting back from Mexico, has pretty much just sat on its proverbial couch, eating Chee-tos and reading Us Weekly.

Anyway, the main reason I went out tonight is because I've just been such a homebody lately, and on Monday I decided that I was going to make myself leave the house for at least an hour every day, just to keep myself from slitting my wrists, and so at the very least, I'll have to get dressed. "Going out" still kind of scares me. Like, going to bars, with the intention of meeting up with people I don't really know (in this case, Jody's friends), and their friends, and just hanging out. I still have so much armor up, but a life of solitude is no life, so I'm coming out of my exile, bit by bit. (I mean, it's not like I never go out and hang out with people, but I guess I mean going out with people I don't know that well, with the intention of possibly meeting other people, instead of just sitting with my friends that I've known for years, and putting up my blinders to all else.) It doesn't make me as nervous as it did a few months ago, or depressed, so that's good. Most of the time, though, I just feel like I've seen and done it all. I wish it was possible to meet people and make new friends and go to parties and all that without ever actually leaving your house. Or at the very least, your very sheltered, cozy, friendly, comfort zone. So, as I told Jody tonight, I need to start going out more, so I need to start practicing. Which is what I was doing tonight. And why going out to Sidebar tonight to watch Project Runway is practicing instead of actually just going out, I don't know. But in my mind, it was. Life is so hard. It really sucks sometimes.

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