Friday, September 30, 2005

fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck

my new very least favorite thing in the world is the new feature on Friendster that allows you to see who has viewed your profile. i'm not sure how far it's going to go back, but they just started it, so it covers September.

you know what this does? it ruins everything. now you can no longer secretly stalk people you think are cute or hot. if you look at someone's profile multiple times over a week, or a day (as i have done with a certain someone with whom i've been emailing), they're gonna think you're a freak! nor can you continue to have fantasies about certain people looking wistfully at your profile and missing you, when, in fact, they haven't looked at it in at least a month, since the stupid counter started keeping track. but, you know, i haven't looked at his, either, so there. im just gonna pretend he hasn't looked at mine for the same reason i haven't looked at his.

all this does is foster and exacerbate my already inflated stalker/obsessive tendencies. i hate it. i hate you, Friendster. they should call you NoFunster.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

sad day

i was listening to the news on Howard Stern this morning when they did a short piece on the passing sunday of M. Scott Peck, author of the book The Road Less Traveled, among many others. When I was 17 or 18 years old, my grandma gave me this book because i had shown some interest in the field of psychology and maybe becoming a therapist when i went to college. at the time i wanted to work with teenagers and pre-teens, particularly "troubled" ones who had bad home lives, or just couldn't stay out of trouble.

Anyway, reading this book set my brain to thinking in ways that it never had before, and though Dr. Peck is an avowed christian, what i learned from the book allowed me to question everything about myself in a way that felt safe, even my faith. he's a truly "spiritual" man, meaning that just because he's a christian, he's not a right-wing nut job. in fact, as he recounts in his book People of the Lie, he's even received numerous death threats from conservative christians all over the world, claiming his philosophy on spirituality and compassion run counter-productive to "true" christianity. go figure.

But i have read The Road Less Traveled many times in the last 11 years or so, along with a handful of his other books, and i can honestly say that Dr. Peck is more singularly responsible for shaping my current worldview than anything else. I even wrote him a letter once in college, thanking him for his wisdom and compassion on the issue of homosexuality (another reason the conservatives hated him), and how he helped give me some of my own internal strength to come to terms with that aspect of myself. i never sent it, but i used to have fantasies that we would become pen pals.

it's funny, too, that since i've decided to major in psychology in school now, i've been thinking about him a lot lately, and even had a brief conversation with my therapist about him last week. he thinks just as highly of Dr. Peck as i do.

i realize this entry is a bit disjointed and rambly, but i just wanted to throw something up real quick-like about a man who was one of my first true idols and for whom i have a tremendous respect. he truly changed my life at an age where i needed someone like him to be doing it, and not trent reznor.

rest in peace, Dr. Peck. we'll miss you.

and if you've never picked up a copy of The Road Less Traveled, i can't recommend it enough, obviously.

Monday, September 26, 2005

i prefer a sunless sky to the stinging and glitter in my eyes

i just discovered Reason #2 why i hate dating. too bad i can't reveal it in this forum.

when you're old and lonely you will wish you'd married me

i got an email yesterday from this guy on Friendster. i really haven't been in the mood to date lately, and feel like it's the last thing i really want to be doing right now. but i checked out his profile, and he was actually really cute, and seemed really smart, had good taste in things, is producing and acting in a local theater's production of BENT, and was a psych major at UT. i figured if nothing else, maybe i could just bend his ear about that. so i thought, "screw it," maybe i just need to move on and get back out there. so i replied to his email, and got a little excited at the prospect of hearing back from him.

well, i heard back from him today. i'm not really very excited anymore. for starters, he sent me a small questionnaire to fill out, consisting of 3 simple questions:

1) are you a drunk?
2) have you ever been in therapy? did you get something out of it?
3) have you ever sold real estate, or have you ever had a desire to do so?

secondly, he sent me a press release for BENT, which starts next month, along with a promotional poster featuring a very cut naked torso of a man (the head is not visible), which he took pains to point out to me, was him on the poster.

hmmm..... i wasn't really sure what to do. his email had a very friendly tone, and he was jokey about the questions, saying that if he tried to explain why he had to ask them the answers i would conceivably give would just further confound his explanations....

i deliberated for roughly 10 minutes before responding that i didn't realize i had to pass a test to get a date, but that i would answer them anyway. so i tried to give cutesy answers without seeming like a date with this stranger was so important to me that i was willing to divulge very personal and judgemental-worthy information about myself. we'll see how he responds to that. just because half of my Friendster photos prominitely feature an alcoholic beverage shouldn't lead one to draw conclusions.

god, this is why i hate dating. why does everybody have to be so fucked up and weird all the time?

the only way i'm going to find this email excusable is if his last boyfriend was a ruthless drunk that used to beat him, and also just happened to sell real estate and refused to go to therapy.

so unless i see some bruises or scars, he's an asshole.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

i have known love like a whore, from at least ten-thousand more

one thing therapy has done for me that's been great, and is also, probably, just a byproduct of becoming older and wiser, is helped me to realize that i can't control everything. i'm what i guess would be considered somewhat of a control freak, and if something happens in my life that i can't either subltely (sp?) or overtly manipulate to go the way that i want it to, i panic.

it's felt really good, actually, to be able to let go of that mindset. i've come to realize that it does virtually nothing but cause frustration and anxiety. i also have a horrible tendency to compare myself to other people and feel like i come up very short, not really keeping in mind that perhaps my time just hasn't come yet. it seems like wedding fever really is in the air (sigh), with no less than 5 couples that i'm fairly close to (some more than others) getting married in the next year. i'm very glad for all of them, because they all deserve it, but it also makes me realize how much my life is changing. i guess i've been braced for it for awhile, but i didn't expect it all to happen quite so suddenly. it's a wistful, bittersweet feeling, and i honestly think i would feel that way even if i were the one getting married. and here i am going back to school in january to get my bachelors degree. in some ways i feel like i'm degressing (is that even a word?), but i know i'm not. it's good for me, and something i really need to do, and i couldn't be more thrilled about my latest decision to pursue a degree in psychology and then a masters in counseling. as karen put it the other night, "all we ever do is sit around and analyze ourselves, and each other, and our relationships, so it makes sense you would decide you want to do that as a career." or something along those lines. well said, karen.

anyway, the hurricane did not hit us today as predicted; in fact, it did the opposite of hit us. it was about a hundred degrees and sunny as hell. lucky for all the ACL-goers, i guess, but i have to admit i was a bit disappointed. i was really hoping to get pounded by a big one. no pun intended. so collier and i went shopping, and i found what might be one of the greatest shirts ever created at Blue Velvet, for only $16. it's a red and blue plaid western-style shirt with gold, shiny thread and pearl snap buttons. it's beautiful and it actually fits me. it's very exciting. and luckily i found it, b/c my heart was broken at Service Menswear by a shirt that was 50% off and might be the greatest shirt i've ever seen, but they only had it in medium. it was brown with yellow pin-stripes, but then had a white collar with sort of water-color-looking yellow birds on it. it sounds stupid, but i would be the hottest guy in the world if i only owned it. story of my life.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

i don't care if you're making that sound

so, i have an email stalker. i'm pretty sure he's harmless; he doesn't even really know anything about me, but nonetheless, he's creepy and emails me every single day. he says things like, "have you left me forever, handsome?" and that he misses me and stuff. we met once.

why can't my ex-boyfriend send me emails like that? at least i would get some vindication out of deleting them, instead of just feeling like i'm being watched.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

but i don't eat them

since having my nose surgery, i've noticed a lot of changes. obviously, i can breathe much better, my stamina has already improved noticeably, i don't have to carry around snotty tissues in my pockets all the time, i don't have to practically have a tampon stuck up my nose every morning for the first 2 hours while i drain from the night before. it's even given me a weird sense of confidence, since i don't feel sort of visibly sickly and runny and with a raw nose all the time. it's really great.

but one of the greatest pleasures i've discovered, is that since my sinuses can now actually dry up and retain oxygen, i have lots and lots of boogers! it's kind of exciting. instead of there just being a constant drip of wet snot, i can actually pick my nose again. it's very gratifying.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Take it Easy (Love Nothing)

going without sleep is sort of an interesting experiment, though it wipes me out emotionally. i haven't slept in almost 29 hours, and in that time i've traveled halfway across the country, and been drunk and sobered up again, and put in almost a full day of work.

for some reason, after getting home last night, i just couldn't sleep. i drank wine with collier and karen at my place, went to bed at midnight, but just couldn't fall asleep for the life of me. finally, around 4:30, i said "screw it," and got up and came into work to get the day over with. i clocked in at 5:15.

i'm sure going without sleep probably has about the same effect on everyone, but i just feel like i'm standing on the edge of a building, and at any minute, a slight breeze could come along, and my whole facade would collapse. i wanna cry my eyes out right now just thinking about how i yelled at my cat last night for meowing, i feel so guilty about it. it's totally absurd. hopefully when i get off at 1:15 and go home, i'll just be able to crash. i've had a very physically and emotionally exhausting last 4 days, and i'd rather not decompress through anger. it makes me feel so awful about myself when i lash out or lose my cool like that. everything just piles up. i need to sleep.

Sunday, September 11, 2005


i got up very early this morning in the hopes of being able to make it to the zoo and back to my hotel by 12:30, for a cab to pick me up and take me downtown to meet the airport shuttle at 1:40. my plans were thrwarted, however, when no one really knew how to get to the zoo, and it's a rougly 40 minute bus ride out there, apparently, with a roughly 40 minute bus ride back. no one knew how often the buses ran, and it all just seemed too risky. so i decided to explore my North Shore neighborhood a little more, since i was too afraid to at night.

the Carnegie Science Center is around here somewhere, so i headed out for that. despite there being signs for it everywhere, with arrows pointing you where to go, i never did find it, and walked in circles. i asked 3 people, but none of them seemed to know exactly how to get there. which i think is really weird. i feel like in Austin, for instance, almost anyone could tell you precisely how to get anywhere, especially if that thing happened to be in the same neighborhood where these people seemingly lived. so i tried to go to the Children's Museum, which is beautiful and old and made of stone, but it didn't open until noon. the library was also closed (incidentally, the library up here on the North Shore was the first public library in the US, donated by Mr. Carnegie, as everything up here seems to be), so i decided to go the Aviary Center, which was in the middle of a lush, green park with a gigantic fountain. i loved the Aviary, and my heart almost burst watching all these precious birds in their replicated habitats just doing their thing. and i realized that i am not, in fact, a bitter person, which was comforting, and i have tiny, adorable 7" owls to thank for that. i wanted to cuddle up with them they were so cute. and one of them was all sleepy and kept squinting his big eyes closed. the other one was staring at me. i loved all the birds, and they were just amazing.

there's a Pittsburgh Steelers game today, and the stadium is about 6 blocks from my hotel, so my neighborhood (i say "my" neighborhood) is crawling with Steelers fans, all decked out in their jerseys and carrying coolers. unfortunately, however, i was only able to find about 2 cafes within about 10 blocks of my hotel, and they were both closed! at 11 on sunday morning. only the bars were open. very weird. it must be really boring to live up here if there's nowhere to go to get coffee or breakfast on sunday morning. or maybe i just don't know where to go. as i was walking around, i passed an apartment with a big, white, very fluffly kitty poking his head underneath the curtain of the open front window to look out. it was staring at me, and i said hi to it, and it mewed at me. it was very sweet. i almost took a picture of it, but then decided not to. but it made me smile.

small moments. the older i get, the more and more i appreciate them.

Saturday, September 10, 2005


people who live in Pittsburgh are called "Pittsburghers," which i find endlessly amusing. so much less dignified than, say, oh, i don't know, "Pittsburghians," maybe? maybe they don't want to be dignified, and if so, kudos to them. i'd like a Pittsburgher with cheese, please. yes, i just made myself giggle out loud.

so today was slightly more fun, for several reasons. one, is that i think i finally started to figure out the layout of this place. directionally, it's really confusing, b/c the downtown is just a big triangle, and a crooked one at that, and all the surrounding neighborhoods go around it in a circle, so there is no straight North, South, East, or West. everything is just marginally one direction. and it's very confusing. but today i discovered the South Side, which is where i would absolutely live if i were to ever move here for whatever reason. imagine the Drag in Austin, except lined on both sides, going on about 4 times as long, and all the stores being local and quirky. tons of bookstores, record stores, clothing stores, quaint cafes, and not a chain among them, except i saw one Starbucks. it runs along the river on the north side, and sits at the bottom of the South Hills on the south side, which is a residential area built into the side of a very steep mountain. it's stunningly gorgeous. i found what must the be the coziest bookstore ever, called Eljay's Books. it even beats out the one Mandy, Victor, Collier, and I found in New Orleans. it was very library-like and dark, but just thousands of books, and the owner was blaring this great bluegrass music and singing along with it at the top of his lungs (she was the prettiest girl i ever saw/ down in the Arkansas!), which just made me beam from ear to ear for a couple of reasons. i had to buy something from this guy, so i bought an Annie Proulx novel called Postcards, and a collection of Andre dubus short stories that everyone in the world has read except for me. both for only about 8 bucks.

i also did the Dusquene (prounounced "duh-keen") Incline today. i went into the ticket booth, run by this fiery-red haired middle-aged woman who was one of the sweetest ladies i ever met. when i walked in, she said, "just you, are you alone?" i said "Yes," and she replied, "well, you're not alone, but by yourself." i almost cried. it was maybe the most thoughtful thing a stranger has ever said to me. and precisely what i needed to hear.

so i spent a lot of time on the South Side, mostly, today, but also did the Strip, which was incredibly boring. but my feet were aching, and i was really hot and tired. i stopped in this very trendy bar (think 6th St) called dejAVu ("Meet. Dance. Socialize." is their motto) to have a beer and just relax my feet, which are absoultely killing me at the moment. i got my beer from the bar and walked away, totally forgetting to pay for it. after i'd sat down a few minutes, i realized and got back up to go pay for it, and the bartender, some cute-ish sorority-looking girl was all, "i was wondering about that. i was keeping an eye on you." it made me feel sort of shitty, but she grinned at me as she said it, to let me know that she knew i wouldn't walk away. some 60's song was playing on the jukebox, and this guy she was talking to turned around and asked me if i knew who sang it. i said no, and the girl said, "too bad, because you'd be a lot cooler if you did." i said, "i never claimed to be cool." they both laughed. as my card was going through, the girl went to check on the artist of the song and came back and said it was some group called Jive Five. then i said, "now i'm cool because i didn't know." both of them thought that was hysterical.

i can honestly say that Pittsburghers (chuckle) seem to be very nice people. i haven't had one bad experience with anyone. on the contrary, it seems everyone has gone out of their way to be helpful and accomodating. last night as i was taking the bus home, i was the last person on it, and the bus driver even went several blocks out of his way to drop me off closer to the bridge, so i wouldn't have to walk as far downtown since it was getting dark. it was the end of his route, and he just did it to be nice. i thought that was incredibly sweet.

one thing i've learned about traveling alone is that it forces you to interact with your environment in a much more direct way than traveling with someone else does. you have to talk to people, and rely on strangers for advice, or directions, or just to be kind. it also makes you much more observant, i think, of what's going on around you, and where you are, than you might otherwise be. it almost makes you more porous, i think (is that the correct word?), of your environment. since you have to be more alert, and figure everything out on your own, and be more trusting of your instincts, you get more of an honest feel of things. i'm really glad i took this trip. i'm ready to get home, and i think i've done about all i can do here, but i don't regret coming at all. Pittsburgh is quiet, it seems. just sort of laidback, unpretentious, not much going on. it feels more southern than northern to me. and it's reminded me a lot of Austin, but just doesn't measure up. that's the best thing about traveling: if you love where you come from, which i do, traveling gives you a renewed love and appreciation for your home. i can't wait to get back to Texas.

Friday, September 09, 2005

one whole day in Pittsburgh, and still no sign of Jordan Catalano

i'm so tired right now, i don't even know where to start. i've also about written myself out, having hand-written almost 10 pages in my journal since yesterday afternoon. but i'll fill in the big stuff.

trouble started in dallas. my 5:35 flight out didn't end up taking off until almost 8:00, b/c some part had to replaced in the cockpit. this is the second time i've flown with American Airlines and my flight has been messed up. V, can you do anything about this? so i get into Pittsburgh around midnight, and after a 25 minute, and $40 cab ride later, arrive at my hotel, not in the nicest part of town. it's not bad, but a block away are a bunch of empty, broken-windowed, Brownstone-type buildings that loom pretty large and black and sketchy at night. but it's fine. the hotel itself is beautiful. and creepy as hell. but beautiful. it's a huge, old, Victorian mansion, 3 floors, with mile-long hallways straight out of The Shining. it also appears to be totally empty except for me. and i'm on the 3rd floor, right in the middle of one of the gushing-blood, ghost-twin-infested hallways. if i see any little toddlers with bad bowl-cuts riding a tricycle down the hall, i'm so outta here. or if i see Jack Nicholson. that's just scary, regardless. the only sign i've seen so far of any other occupants was one woman in the dining room at breakfast this morning. i also noticed tonight when i was walking home that my hotel is right off of Lacock Street. i actually laughed out loud to myself in the dark, abandoned underpass i was walking through. and i tried to take a picture, but it was too dark. then i scurried away so i wouldn't get mugged and shot for the $20 in my wallet. perhaps tomorrow i'll get a picture.

i can't sleep to save my life, so i don't end up passing out until almost 4, and i have an 8:00 wake-up call, b/c they stop serving free breakfast at 9. and even the 4 hours i have are fitful, and fraught with disturbing dreams about the hotel itself. weird men in loincloths in the fetal position are scattered everywhere, and i'm stepping over them, and i vaguely understand it's some weird sexual thing, but i have no idea what, and i'm totally creeped out, then one of them grabs my ankle and laughs and i wake up, my heart racing. i also read Kafka on the entire plane ride up here, and found it totally engrossing, but appalling. i think that's what inspired the dream. so i have a hearty, complimentary breakfast, and set out to see Pittsburgh. i walk across the 9th street bridge into downtown and immediately get totally lost. well, not lost, exactly, but displaced. and my heart is sinking. the downtown of this city is totally dead. it's worse than Dallas, I think. so after about 3 hours of wandering around, i finally end up in Oakland, on the East Side, where UP and Carnegie Mellon are.

after this, not much happens. i visit the Carnegie Museum, which is lovely, poop in the UP library, have lunch at a really greasy diner, rated #1 in the city, called Pamela's Restaurant, where i'm waited on by a charming young woman who reminds me strongly of a black version of Collier. i walk all over Squirrel Hill, which is the main residential neighborhood of Oakland (think Hyde Park with lots more hills and shops), where i pass a lovely bookstore's windows and get really excited, b/c i've been trying to find "Brokeback Mountain" by Annie Proulx and can't anywhere, then get supremely pissed off when i realize I'm drooling over a Barnes & Noble. i was so irrationally angry about it, you have no idea. but luckily, a block away, there's a new, modern library with totally glass front walls looking out onto the street. i decide to kill some time in the library, find the book "Brokeback Mountain" is in, read it, then want to die. how can a 40-page short story encompass 2 men's entire lives and be so fucking devastating?!? i'm now VERY excited to see the movie.

anyway, there's still lots i didn't get to today. but i did actually navigate the bus system and land myself back downtown, so i didn't have to walk the 87 miles back, about which i was very proud of myself. i went to the Andy Warhol museum, which i liked a lot. i've never been a big fan of his before, but i think i have a new appreciation for him now. i bought a magnet with a picture of a very yound and striking Dennis Hopper wearing a cowboy hat on it. it's from a painting Warhol did of him. i was back at my hotel by 8:30, where i could barely even stand up in the shower, my legs hurt so bad from walking, so i didn't. i showered sitting down.

tomorrow there are 2 more neigborhoods i want to explore, and i want to do the Incline. then i think i'll be done, and ready to go. which is good, b/c i have to leave the day after that.

Pittsburgh is lovely, but honestly, i'm not charmed by it like i thought i would be. it doesn't seem to have a whole lot of character; it just seems sort of plopped down amid these majestic, beautiful hills, and that's the only reason anyone pays any attention to it. Austin is much more charming, though the people here have been extraordinarily friendly and kind. i was even smiled at on the street 3 separate times today by total strangers. and all 3 of them were cute girls. it's really too bad i'm not straight sometimes.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005


i'm watching Gwyneth Paltrow on Letterman. she seems very nice. i like her. they're playing a clip from her new film Proof. collier mentioned the other night that she saw the play a few years ago on Broadway, and didn't remember caring for it too much.

anyway, i have no idea why i'm writing about that. tomorrow i leave for Pittsburgh. i'm excited, but admittedly, a bit nervous. i tried calling Mitchell earlier this evening (the guy from Friendster), but the calls weren't going through, so i sent him an email. i hope i hear from him; i'm excited to meet him, but i guess even if i don't, it will more closely fulfill the mission of this trip, which is to be alone. i plan on using it to light a writing fire underneath me. i started a new journal tonight, separate from this blog, just for myself. i'm feeling a lot better these days; stronger, more able to stand on my own, and that i can really plan for my future as a wholely sole entity. i have some new, fun plans, things i've let lie dormant for years, that are again rearing their demanding heads. we'll see how it all goes. but i feel very hopeful. i guess i'm still very sad and regretful about a lot of things, but that's life. the sooner you realize that most things just probably aren't going to go your way (or at the very least, as you planned them), i think the easier it is to just let go, and let life do with you what it will. which is not to say you can't plan for your future, or manipulate the outcome, but invariably things are going to get skewed and go in unplanned directions. which is the way it should be, i suppose. how boring would life be if everything went exactly as we anticipated and there were no surprises? pretty boring, i would presume.

all right. hopefully i'll get some time to put up a couple of posts while i'm gone, but if i don't, i guess that's also good, because it means i'm having fun, or at least keeping myself occupied.

oh, and i found out yesterday that Pittsburgh does, in fact, have an H&M, about which i am so excited, words can't even do it justice.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

i was happy to hear you remembered the view

as previously stated, friday night was insane. it all feels like a giant blur, but involves calling mark on his cell phone (twice) demanding to know why he wasn't doing with his life what he really wants to be doing, making meredith cry (in a good way), pissing in an alley, and passing along "helpful" information to one collier about her "ex," which i relayed again on saturday, and had absolutely no recollection of telling her on friday. it's the first time, honestly, that i can remember being so drunk that i didn't remember a lot about the night before, and was vaguley cathartic, even though it resulted in waking up at 7:00 on saturday morning, still drunk, and having the kinds of cramps that left me writhing naked on my bathroom floor, my intestines feeling like they were being twisted in some kind of medieval torture device. still don't know what that was all about.....

i caught 2 movies on saturday (9 Songs, which i loved, and broke my heart, and Broken Flowers, which i liked a lot, but left me wanting a bit more) with collier and karen, after which we went back to my house and each took a Xanax with a glass of red wine. i remember nothing after that, except waking up about 10 hours later in my bed, collier curled up next to me, and karen passed out on the couch. but we all agreed it was a much-needed respite from the collective agony going on in our heads.

sunday was Krouse Springs, lovely as usual, but the day being overcast like it was, made it much less fun than it could have been. Elysium sunday night, which was great until i ran into some of Joe's friends outside, with whom i did the perfunctory, "how are you?" "fine, thanks," blah blah blah. the topic of joe was conspicously avoided, and it ruined my whole night.

BBQ at the house yesterday. i was really looking forward to it, and delighted that so many of my nearest and dearest showed up, but for one of the first times in my life, the crowd was a bit overwhelming to me. i kept finding excuses to go inside and do dishes, or prepare a root beer float for someone, or go to the bathroom. it's not that i didn't want to talk to anyone, it just made me feel overtly anxious and unsettled. it was sad, actually, as i've always taken so much comfort in socializing, and just being surrounded by people that i love, even if nothing particularly interesting was going on. but all i really wanted was to be alone, and i can't quite explain what it was, exactly, that was happening to me. so many things are changing, and i have so many conflicting feelings about everything that's not only going on in my life, but in the lives by which i'm surrounded, and sometimes it just feels like it's all too much, and my head is going to explode, or i need to stand outside and scream or something. i think some of it has to do with the ways in which certain people that i've known and been close to for years, are subtly, but noticeably, shifting in weird ways, and slowly becoming somewhat unrecognizable to me. i know it's very common for people in romantic relationships to each grow in opposite directions, and even "outgrow" their need for each other, but this isn't supposed to happen with friends. maybe i'm overanalyzing it all, or just scared of the future in general and what it holds for me, but i feel at times that it takes so much more effort than it used to to feel close to certain people. it's no one's fault, and it's not necessarily a bad thing, just the nature of humanity, but it's terrifying, and i hope i'm only imagining it.

i know this is all very uneloguent and boring, but i just can't seem to come up with the correct words, or anything horribly profound to say about any of it. i feel like i'm in a fog still this morning, and just floating along, tuning out everything around me. i don't think my body has yet recovered from the abuse i put it through this weekend, maybe. i don't know. anyway, i'm really looking forward to going to Pittsburgh this weekend and getting the fuck out of town for 3 days.

i also watched the season finale of season 4 of Six Feet Under and cried my eyes out. god damn, i love that show.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

oh, Danny Boy

if you're ever me, never, ever, ever drink 3 whiskeys right in a row at club DeVille.


Thursday, September 01, 2005


admittedly, i've always been a little bit obsessed with natural disasters and extreme weather. when i was a kid, i would read all kinds of books and watch all kinds of TV specials about tornadoes and earthquakes, always completely riveted by the drama unfolding, and the humbling power of nature over man. no matter how sophisticated we get technologically, it's still no match for the destructive power of Mother Nature.

when Katrina first started blowing in, i was pretty excited, i have to say. i kept my ear to the radio and my eyes on the TV, watching literally hours of footage. i watched live as the storm was passing over New Orleans and the roof was being ripped of the Super Bowl, with thousands of people inside. my heart raced like I was watching the latest Michael Bay or Jerry Bruckheimer thriller, only this was real, and unfolding immediately before me, no one sure of what the outcome would be.

for a day or so, it seemed the disaster wouldn't be so bad, and then the levees in New Orleans broke, it came to light that Biloxi, and Mobile, and multiple smaller towns were completely wiped out, leaving hundreds and thousands of people homeless, displaced and with nothing.

now, watching the apocalyptic level of choas, violence and misery that is unfolding in New Orleans is beyond terrifying. it's a level of horror on par with some of the most cynical science fiction, and it's all real. my feeling of fascination and excitement has been replaced with dread and overwhelming sadness. i cried a little this morning watching Good Morning America as reports of looting, violence and rape were carried over the wires. helicopters rescuing people from the diseased and oil-soaked water were being shot at, as were officers trying to help people. people have been savagely murdered and the suffering there is completely unfathomable. it's heartbreaking. there's no other more eloquent or poetic way to put it.

my friend megan, with whom i've been friends since high school, only this past summer moved from Biloxi to Memphis for a new job. i've been thinking about her non-stop this week, and how thankful I am that she is no longer there. but mandy told me this morning that megan hasn't heard from any of her friends or colleagues there, and she's terrified that they all stayed at the news station (megan is a news producer) to cover the storm. that hadn't occurred to me. but i'm really thinking about you megan, and praying that everyone's okay.

i've been thinking so much about loss lately. it seems that several people in my life have suffered an extraordinary amount of it this summer, from the breakup of relationships, to the deaths of friends, sometimes multiple ones in a short span of time. it's incredible to me how people just keep moving on, and no matter what happens or who you are, tragedy is always going to touch your life, and there's absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. the people i know and love are all so strong and so inspiring, and hearing what some of them are dealing with right now makes me feel almost ashamed at my little heartbreaks. i have been incredibly blessed and i'm so grateful for all of it.