Last night

If I look a little drunk in these pictures, it's prolly cause I was. And it was, like, 2 in the morning.

David

Charlotte, David

Goddamn. I love those guys.

Lights will guide you home.

There are only 2 official days of camp left. It alternately feels like I've been here forever, and like I just arrived. So, in memoriam, I wanted to collect a few of my favorite highlights from the past 9 weeks of camp. These probably won't mean anything to anyone but me, but here goes:

1. The wonderful people I have met, and the friendships forged, that I do truly hope I keep up with. I have met some of the most humble, welcoming, intelligent, down-to-earth, open, good-hearted, funny, and all around irresistible people here. And I know that if I'm ever in South Carolina or Tennessee, I'll always have a welcoming place to lay my head.

2. The $2 nightly drink specials at Hannah Flannagan's, the local Irish pub in downtown Hendersonville. Which we visited frequently. And which we nicknamed Flannery 'O Connor's.

3. David saying to me at one point, "You try to act all tough and hard, but I know, in here," he taps his chest, "you have the heart of little puppy dog. You're not fooling anybody."

4. A little boy just randomly walking up to me and saying, "You should be a counselor." When I asked why, he simply replied, "Because you'd make a really good one."

5. Mills Dog (what am I gonna do without seeing his smiling face and funny waggy butt
bounding up to me every day??!?)

6. Spending a whole day out on the lake with five 10-year-old boys, tubing, skiing, wakeboarding, and jumping off cliffs, and having more fun than I can remember having in ages.

7. On that same trip, being intimidated by a boy named George into jumping off the cliff, when I was terrified of doing it. He stood behind me and said he wouldn't let me walk back down, and he wouldn't jump until I did, so I may as well go ahead and do it, so he could get back to swimming.

8. Stealing Max's pair of $100 sunglasses and holding them for ransom, and him having no idea that I had them. And making him do ridiculous things to get them back.

9. Realizing how rewarding it truly is when a kid decides they like you, and they go out of their way to talk to you, or they actually come up and compliment you, or confide something in you. Because they don't talk to anybody they don't want to talk to.

10. Me and Charlotte rolling on the floor (literally rolling, clutching each other) laughing so hard we were crying, watching David and Joey do their impressions of people at camp. And then when we finally tried to leave to go to bed at 2am, having David say, "I just want to see you guys laugh one more time before you leave."

11. Tearfully confessing to David, in his office the second week of camp, how miserable I was, and him taking me seriously, and making me feel a lot better. That was the beginning of the love.

12. Laughing through the tears (my favorite emotion).

13. Driving back from previously mentioned bar at 1:30 in the morning with Charlotte, singing "Fix You" by Coldplay at the top of our lungs and laughing hysterically.

14. White-water rafting for the first time with a bunch of 8-year-old girls, and having the raft guide throw me out of the raft purely for the girls' amusement.

15. Having Trey, one of the head counselors at boys camp, run up and tackle me, and say, "Ryan, my baby, where have you been?!?" when I got back from leave that one time.

16. Getting over my fear of the boys, and having that be one of my most rewarding accomplishments. Because that meant I could just have fun with them, and begin to appreciate them for who they truly are. And some of them were fucking amazing.

17. Numerous venting sessions at night that never ended in anything besides uncontrollable laughter.

18. All the awesome road trips I got to go on, and how much of the mountains, lakes and rivers I got to see.

19. Impromptu dance parties in the dining hall during dinner.

20. Getting to go kayaking for the first time and not rolling one single time.

And, on an un-camp-related note, but still of the utmost importance, getting to spend so much time with Matt & Angela in Asheville, and being so grateful that I got to know Angela, and add yet another amazing friend and ally to my life's list.

I'm sure I've forgotten something crucial, but that's what I can think of right now, off the top of my head.

Today I went tubing with some 10-year-olds

I've had more fun the last week and a half of boys camp than I've had the whole past 6 weeks combined.

Today we went biking in the Pisgah rain forest...

...and it rained the whole time! The whole trail was just slush. These pictures don't do it justice, but it was wicked fun. We were covered, and at one point, I stopped to help one of the kids with his brakes, because I didn't believe him that they were sticking, and lo and behold, I went flying over the handlebars. That's never happened to me before. I landed on my chest, but somehow mostly scratched my leg. One other kid lost control, fell onto his bar, smashed his balls, then rammed his face into a tree before his bike stopped. When I found him, he was curled up in the fetal position, holding his balls, his helmet half hanging off, and sobbing. Poor guy. But he was fine. He's gonna have a nasty bruise on his face, but that just makes him cool.

This was supposed to just be my legs, but once again, Charlotte can't take pictures.

The best part was the mud actually started sliding into my underwear, and I could feel it in my butt!

The Order of the Cross

I think the thing I like about boys camp over girls camp is the history of traditions and rituals that are not observed as heavily at girls camp. Boys camp has clubs, and "societies," and lots of secret activities. Which normally I would hate, but I think in this environment, and with kids, it's okay. They're positive and esteem-building, and give the kids a feeling of belonging. There was actually some debate about this the other night in the office to which I was privy. One side arguing that it was damaging, and the other side arguing that it gave kids something to strive towards. I belong in the latter category. This whole, "everybody has to make the team so no feelings get hurt" bullshit drives me crazy. Kids have to learn how to cope emotionally with disappointment and failure at some point. But I digress. I like the clubs.

Plus I get to be a part of it.

Last night I was sitting playing cards with some people at about 10:30, contemplating going to bed because I've been sleeping sooooo badly lately (having trouble with both falling asleep and staying asleep, which doubly sucks) when one of the head counselors, and a friend of mine, walked into the room and said he needed to speak with me outside. He took me off the porch, and around the building, and had a rolled-up t-shirt in his hand. He turned to me and said, "You have been chosen to become a member of the organization of the Order of the Cross. If you accept, you must wear this blindfold, do whatever I tell you, and agree to be initiated. All I can say about it is that you will not be humiliated. Do you accept?"

So I accepted.

He tied the t-shirt snuggly around my eyes, blocking out any light or vision whatsoever, put his arm around my shoulder and told me to walk with him. We started down along the gravel road through camp, but soon veered off into the rough terrain, and from what I could tell, the steep downhill slope towards the gym down by the waterfront. My suspicions were confirmed when he guided me down a short series of wooden steps, to a wooden floor, which could only be the gym. He sat me down on the floor, told me not to speak to anyone, remove my blindfold, or stand up. He would come back for me.

I sat there, totally blind, for probably ten or fifteen minutes. All around me I could hear other people being brought in, light footsteps, various whispering. Occasionally, I could sense a flashlight beam being shone across my face, but only vaguely.

Finally, my friend came back to collect me. He whispered to stand up, that we were going to take a "trust walk." This essentially entailed leaving my blindfold on, but having no guide, either, except to follow the sound of my friend's voice, and trust that he wouldn't let me fall or run into anything.

Okay, that sounds easy enough, but anyone who has walked the terrain of CP knows that it's rough enough in the daylight, when you can see. I did okay, and didn't really have any trouble trusting him, until we got to the part where he led me out on the docks. He had me keep walking and walking, until I was sure I was about to reach the end and plunge into the lake. So he stopped me, had me spin around a couple of times, then start following him again. I wasn't sure, since I had spun around, if I was going back towards the shore, or if he took me left, since the dock is an "L" shape. So we get to an edge, he stands next to me, and tells me to jump.

I don't jump.

He says to jump.

I still don't jump.

He says, "You have to trust me. Jump right now or it's over."

So I jump.

And land on sand.

And he laughs at me.

And I laugh at myself.

So he leads me on. "Follow my voice. Follow my voice." I do all right, and I have a pretty good idea of where we're going, judging by the terrain. Finally he stops me, and removes my blindfold. I'm standing on the edge of the lake, near the counselor ring, where there's a fire going. He tells me to stand still, don't talk, stare at the lake, and think about why I've been chosen. He says he'll be back, and he disappears.

Of course I start to look around, and in the glow of the fire behind us, I notice that there are several of us, spaced about 20 feet apart, all standing silently, staring at the black lake.

Around this time it starts raining, and it was already cold. Behind me I can hear the running and stomping of multiple feet. Other people are being brought into the counselor ring, dragged backwards along the grass by two people, and stopped at the entrance. I hear their voices, shouting, asking who dares to enter their campfire.

I wait and wait, hear this happen several times, then finally, I hear the footsteps behind me, and both of my arms are grabbed, and I'm dragged along the grass to the entrance of the counselor ring. I'm suddenly blinded by about ten flashlights all in my face at once, and someone says, "Who dares to enter our ring of fire? Do you know the password?"

Then one of the men that's dragged me and is holding my arm says, "No he doesn't, sir, but I do, sir, and I'm willing to vouch for him."

The first voice then asks for the password, which is whispered in his ear, and I am pulled into the counselor ring, and set on my knees before the fire, where about 10 or 12 other people are already arranged, also on their knees, facing the fire pit. This goes on for some time, until about 20 people, both staff and campers, have been placed around the fire.

Eventually we get into the ceremony, which is basically just explaining what the Order of the Cross is, and why we'd been chosen. It's an organization based on "service," whose tenets are Helpfulness, Hopefulness, and Love of Nature. You have to be nominated by someone already in the group, and then be voted upon. They said the people chosen had figured out that to be in the service of other people was the greatest gift you could give mankind, or yourself. Everyone chosen, it was explained, gave selflessly of themselves, imparted wisdom and kindness to others, accepted and took responsibility, showed a great love for their fellow man, and helped to foster a love, appreciation, and respect for nature and the earth.

Some quotes by famous people about service were read, and then the Bible verse from Corinthians about love was read (which is one of the few Bible verses I actually find really moving):

love is kind,
it is not jealous,
love does not boast,
it is not inflated.

It is not discourteous,
it is not selfish,
it is not irritable,
it does not enumerate the evil.
It does not rejoice over the wrong, but rejoices in the truth


It covers all things,
it has faith for all things,
it hopes in all things,
it endures in all things.

But now remains
faith, hope, love,

these three;

but the greatest of these is love.

Eventually we were told why we were chosen, and taught the "secret handshake." All in all, it was a really pleasant surprise, and I felt incredibly honored to have been chosen. Ultimately, I'm not sure what any of it really means, except the knowledge that you have been recognized, and you're appreciated. And if I should come back next year, of course, I would help pick the new recruits, and participate in their "hazing." I've never been initiated into anything before, and it was fun.

Today they're going to give out patches for recognition, and I'm going to put it on my blue jacket when I get home.

Tuesday

She hates it, of course, but I think it's cute.

Charlotte:


And here I am with a basketball on my head:

The Babysitter's Club (of one)

Once a week, all the counselors-in-training (CIT's) here at camp get 6 hours of leave time. CIT's are the 15-16-year olds who are too old to be campers, but not yet old enough to be counselors. Thus, they are counselors-in-training. Each week, one lucky staff member gets to be the one to take out the CIT's on their 6-hour leave and do with them whatever the CIT's want to do. There are twelve of them. They are all either fifteen or sixteen years old.

Today, I was selected to be their fearless chaperone.

Just me.

And twelve 15-16-year-old girls. In downtown Asheville.

For the most part it was uneventful. Considering it takes almost an hour to get to downtown Asheville from camp, and an hour to get back, that only leaves 4 hours right there. We ate pizza for lunch. One group of girls said they were going to wait on the benches outside, and of course took off. So I didn't let any of the other girls go anywhere until the 4 renegade girls got back. And I made the remaining 8 girls call the 4 renegade girls on their cell phones and tell them that their insouciant disregard for authority (I was expressley forbidden to let any girls go off by themselves) was ruining the remaining 8 girls' leave time.

Was that a little manipulative? Perhaps. But it was effective.

I've never truly been in a position of authority before. Being put in charge of a group of girls that were half my age (and technically, any one of whom's father I could be) was very weird. On the one hand, it made me feel important, and very grown-up, as they were actually deferring to me, asking my permission for things, and if I said no, they honored it. Also, they did what I told them to do.

On the other hand, it was really awkward, and I can absolutely see now how parents can fall into the roles of the "cool" parent and the "disciplinarian" parent. When I scolded the girls for running off, and they said they were "just over there, across the street," and I said, "Well, that's not in front of the restaurant, is it," and she scoffed at me, I wanted to slap her.

Some things I learned today about girls:

- "Tainted Love" is every girl's favorite song;

- they think Fergie is totally gross, but they like some of her songs, but they don't buy her records because she's gross;

- some of them still listen to the Spice Girls;

- everyone is "retarded," and everything is "ghey." But strangely, people are never ghey, and things are never retarded. Glad we cleared that up;

- or maybe things are just "gay." I'm actually a little unclear on this;

- but lesbians are "cool," and sometimes "hot;"

- Tammy is the most lesbian name imaginable. There was actually, like, a 20-minute conversation about this in the van on the way back;

- girls still love Grease! Their favorite song is "Look at Me, I'm Sandra Dee," and the part where she says, Elvis, Elvis, let me be. Keep that pelvis far from me, they think is the funniest thing anyone has ever said, ever;

- they all are very sheltered. They still stare at homeless people and think everyone in Asheville is "weird;"

- they all think I'm weird.

They have no clue as to the depths of my weirdness.

Today, Charlotte, Annie and I took 4 girls mountain biking to see a waterfall (and Mills Dog went too).

Heavy Waists

Last night was a camp-wide campout, which means the counselors took all the girls in the whole camp out camping somewhere on the property. I walked out with Annie and her group for a bit until they got lost, then I decided to go back by myself. About five minutes later, I was lost myself, by myself, when I happened upon the spot they were supposed to be. I briefly thought bout being really nice and going back to tell them, but figured they'd have more fun figuring it out for themselves.

The rest of the staff, about 6 of us, drove into town to have dinner. We ended up at Pizza Hut, because no one wanted to take the time to find a real, local restaurant, which was mostly okay by me. We ate at the buffet, and I gorged myself almost sick. I think we all did. Which is funny, because there's a pretty common consensus that camp food is shockingly not bad, just disproportianatley (I have completely lost my ability to spell since I got here!) greasy and sugary, and veggies are mostly non-existent. Afterwards we killed some time at Wal-Mart (ah, small-town life!), then came back and watched Heavyweights, starring Ben Stiller and written by Judd Apatow, because it was filmed here in 1995. The camp owns a copy of it. It was kind of cool seeing camp everywhere, but the movie wasn't much good.

Yesterday I also learned how to kayak, and was the first time I've swam since I got here. Next time I kayak I'll try to get some pics; they also put up the "high ropes" course yesterday, and I guess they're going to start putting girls up on it tomorrow. I'm going to tackle that, too, because it looks awesome. And scary.

Yesterday in the gym I found an old, dusty copy of the first McSweeney's book, so I took it. That was exciting.

Yesterday, the Stranger in Seattle ran a feature on Homo History, featuring a short paragraph or two highlighting something significant from every year since the Stonewall riots in 1969. It features writers like Edmund White, Dan Savage, Andrew Sullivan, and others. It's pretty interesting, and features history just like I like it: in bite-size morsels.

Down in the country, amongst the pines

I've been really feeling the need lately to really sit at this thing and write something, as opposed to just posting pictures. It's hard to do here, partly because I don't really have anywhere that's actually private in which to do it, and I'm very shy about anyone being able to see what I'm doing if I'm doing something like writing in this stupid blog. Matt & Angela's house is always nice for writing, but it takes away from my socializing.

Speaking of them, I had, of course, a lovely time at their place again last Saturday. Matt's parents were there as well, so I got to have dinner with all of them Saturday night before I headed back to camp. His father has recently gotten into counseling (he does the counseling; he's also an M.D.), so I talked to him for a long time about that, and about different theories and ideas. It was great; I could have talked to him all night.

Sunday evening I drove back to Asheville yet again to see my parents. They're attending a church conference in Chattanooga this week, so hopped over here to see me. On Monday we toured the Biltmore, which was fucking incredible, if a bit overstimulating. And we were there for, like, 5 hours, touring the house, touring the grounds and gardens, eating lunch, shopping. Monday night we went to downtown Asheville and walked around a bit (I still can't get over how much I love downtown Asheville, and how awesome I think it is), and went to a really cool little pizza place that Matt recommended. They just so happened to be having a little trivia game that night, so my family and I jumped in and ended up coming in second! We were very impressed with ourselves. So we won a $15 gift certificate that I'm going to give to Matt. The third place team left and didn't claim their prize, so the guy heading up the trivia came over and gave us their prize too, which was a set of 4 bar-glasses with their logo on them. They're cute. I stole one, so my parents won't have a complete set, but whatever. I wanted one.

At 6:30 Tuesday morning, we left Asheville, and my parents drove me back to camp. It was hard to come back; I still don't really feel very settled here, but once I'm actually back, it's easier. It's the coming back that's hard. Being somewhere like this sort of drives home to me how disconnected I seem to feel so much of the time from other people. Granted, almost everyone here is quite a bit younger than I am, and the people that are my age have all known each other for years. But Charlotte is great. At dinner last night I asked if anyone would have any desire whatsoever to go see Hostel 2 with me, and everyone wrinkled their noses except Charlotte, who got excited and said she would "love to." So I think we're gonna try to sneak out one of these nights and go see it. (Which isn't why I think she's great, that's just one thing that makes me happy.) A couple other people here, too, are really cool, but I don't talk with them much. My professor's niece, Annie, that's a counselor is awesome, too. She just turned 19, but acts like she's 30, and she's super sweet. Which doesn't surprise me. Unfortunately, she's leaving this Saturday for good because something came up that she has to attend to.

Some pictures Charlotte took of me and Annie when we went mountain biking together the other day:


I have no idea what I'm doing in this picture.

Anyway, things are okay. I've really been wanting to write a big entry about Flannery O'Connor lately, but I just can't seem to collect my thoughts enough to do it. But being in the mountains, in her part of the country (sort of) and reading a lot of her in one sitting is weird. She gets me thinking like few writers do. Which is why I think I'm having a hard time writing about her: I have no idea what I actually think of her. I'm interested, and her writing alternately fascinates and totally creeps me out. Anyway, more on this later.

Yesterday I stepped on a snake, but we both escaped unharmed. And then today, on the Pigeon River, I was barefoot, stepping over rocks, and almost put my foot down right on top of a snake with his head sticking out of the water. That freaked me out a little.

Mills the Dog

My new best friend at camp is a silly little dog named Mills. (His mommy, Charlotte, is pretty cool too.) Everytime Mills sees me, he comes bounding up to greet me, then walks along next to me. He's also fond of crawling up into my lap and curling up, whether I'm working or just sitting on the couch or something. I love him. He's no Ruby the Dog, or Ada the Dog; I mean, they're family. But he's pretty great.
Mills the Dog relaxing on the couch.
Mills and Charlotte having a serious conversation.
They worked everything out.
Here he is, having crawled up into my lap while I was trying to work.
Charlotte doesn't know how to focus the camera.

On Leave

So, I'm on leave today, once again enjoying the peace and tranquility of Matt and Angela's lovely abode. I actually have some homework I need to be doing for my internship class, which of course I'm procrastinating on. There is so much I could, and want, to say about camp...but I can't. Not until I leave. I have to use public computers there, and I know for a fact that at least one staff member has alredy found this thing. So, tight-lips until then. Not that I really want to say anything negative, because overall, I'm having a great time. But, I just feel like I shouldn't say anything.

...

If no one's been keeping up with the Andrew Sullivan's blogging of the opera singer guy from "Britain's Got Talent," you really should start. The first video is below, and if it doesn't at least give you chills, you're not human (though I could do without the Aerosmith garbage at the end. Just watch it; you'll know what I mean). This guy even left that wretched Simon guy speechless.



And here he is at the semi-finals:



People finally discovering their potential and being able, after years of struggling, to admit that they have something to offer, always gets me all weepy.

Baby Raccoons

This morning down by the water, we found some baby raccoons. To give you an idea of how tiny they were, that is a normal step they're underneath; they were about 6 inches long. They made the cutest little purring, squeaky noises, even though it probably meant that they were terrified. I hope their mommy came back to get them. I'm gonna check on them again here in a minute.

Today I learned to shoot a .22 rifle and a bow & arrow. I enjoyed them both immensely, but I was much better and more accurate with the rifle.

A skeleton I found in the woods. I think it was a fox or something.

Tonight I was inducted into the Scarlet Tribe (as opposed to the Grey Tribe). Now I can't wear grey for the rest of my time at camp. These are pictures from my induction ceremony. It was totally spontaneous.

Even though I didn't actually get to go rafting, I got some nice pictures.

I went on the trip. But only the campers and counselors got to go in boats. I took pictures. Here are some extras (i.e., not of campers). I like North Carolina. Also, everyone here makes fun of me for always being cold. But it was 60 degrees this morning! Until, like, noon! That's winter where I come from. It only got to the 70's today.







This picture was actually an accident, but that guide was hella cute, so I saved it.

I can't believe I didn't notice this when I loaded the pictures!!

Thank goodness Kurt was kind enough to point it out to me. I'll know to watch my back in the future. I guess camp is more dangerous than I thought.

Me in a Canoe

I was pushed out into the lake with no paddle, and had to use my hands to steer my way back to shore. Which I wasn't very good at doing. But I did it.

Today was the first day of camp, the day all the little girls arrived. It was exhausting, but the day has been fun. More fun than I expected. Which is good. I think once I get into the swing of things, it will be great.

Yesterday, all the male staff members had to have a meeting with the boss about what is and what is not appropriate during girls camp. Stuff like, don't ever, ever walk among the cabins. Ever. There are very clear parameters where we're supposed to be. Don't ever be alone with a camper, ever, no matter how innocently or accidentally it may be. We even went over really obvious stuff, like, don't have sex with the campers, and ways to protect ourselves so as to never be in a precarious situation. The boss talked about how a lot of the stuff, both males and females, get really depressed when girls camp ends and boys camp starts. He said he's even lost really good staff members in the past who just couldn't make the transition. It's weird. I guess they are two completely different ballgames. Frankly, I can't wait for boys camp. I'm glad it's second and not first.

I took over 100 pictures today, and we've been having a lot of problems with our picture-loading software. That's frustrating. Anyway, my new friend Charlotte (who, incidentally, pushed me out into the water on the canoe) snapped these of me. Just thought I'd share!

I really miss home, but I think it's gonna be a great summer.

My New Digs

My 5-Star Bedroom for the Next Eight Weeks!





Sadie

Penny Lane

Penny Lane's Mommy


Dining Hall Porch

My Feet

My office.