when I was looking with calm affection, you were searching out my imperfections

I had one of the most fun weekends I've ever had this past weekend. I had a lot of anxiety leading up to it, for various reasons. The most obvious being my most "recent" breakup, which I am so not over. He and I were both very excited about this weekend, even all the way back in May, and had already picked out a room in the hotel we were going to get. And there's the whole, "mandy is my oldest friend, and now she's all grown up and married," blah blah blah.

I thought both of those issues were going to weigh heavily on my mind all weekend, but I was wrong. Obviously, they were both there (especially the former), but I was able to push them back and be so gloriously happy for Mandy and Victor. Getting there and seeing how radiant they both were, and how deliriously happy, it would have been impossible to wallow in any kind of self-pity, even if I'd wanted to. Ave Maria during the wedding itself hit a little bit, because that's "his" favorite song, and last Christmas, he played various versions of it repeatedly at his house. But these are the kinds of things you live with, and deal with, and get over, and attach new meaning to. During the wedding, I caught myself thinking how much I would love to have that special man there with me to share it all, that I could look up at from the altar and see him smiling at me in the crowd, when it dawned on me that I had, like, 10 special people to share that moment with. I will never forget, as long as I live, Mandy glancing over at me twice during the ceremony, and smiling the biggest, happiest, most genuine smile I've ever seen, and the way it melted my heart to see her so happy. And less importantly, but no less memorable, was the entire crowd at the reception, jumping up and down, pumping fists in the air, and singing along, everyone at the top of their lungs, to Since U Been Gone, by Kelly Clarkson. That's a dancefloor moment I will never forget. So much alcohol was consumed, so much dancing was done, and so many laughs and moments shared.

I've always been pretty ambivalent about weddings, especially my own, but if I could ever host the kind of day (entire weekend) that Mandy and Victor did, and make anyone else as happy as I was that day, I would love to. It's not just about sharing vows, or proclaiming your love in front of people, it's about everyone sharing the experience, and being a real part of your life. I was quite touched. Congratulations, you guys. I love you both.