Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Coulda been....

This past week I've been working on my final philosophy paper which is about a section of Beyond Good & Evil by Nietzsche. My paper is sort of a dissection of the concept of will to power and how "conventional morality" is for weak people (thus, the title of the book). It's not my best paper, that's certain, but the assignment was rather vague, purposefully. But it's not a terrible paper, either, and the fact that I could probably write another 50 pages doesn't help (the length limit was "under 40 pages; however long it takes you to write something intelligent. And I'll be the judge of what's intelligent."). That's the problem with philosophy and why philosophers are all just a little bit crazy: the constant asking of questions while never really getting any real answers. An entire life of "what-if's" and "how about's" seems like it could drive a person mad. Psychology's not much better but at least you can apply practical uses from psychology and you can do testing. Some answers are better than no answers. Although I'm sure any philosopher worth his salt would argue with me until next week that no answers are ever found in philosophy. And also that that's not the point.

I feel like my life is a constant series of "what-if's" as well, only I don't call it philosophy, I call it being obsessive. Does everyone do this? I don't know: readers, do you all constantly do this as well?

Like, I think things like:

- What if I had ended up going to Sarah Lawrence instead of moving to Dallas, which is what I really wanted to do? I never could have gotten in to Sarah Lawrence, and even if I had, I never could have afforded it, but what if I had? What would I be doing now?

- What if I had stayed in Arkansas instead of going to college in Dallas?

- What if I had moved to Los Angeles after I got out of school instead of moving to Austin?

- What if, about 9 months after moving to Austin, I had packed up again and moved to New York, like I very nearly did? Collier was moving back and needed a roommate and she asked me if Travis (my boyfriend at the time) and I would be interested in taking the extra room? I was all for it, but naturally, Travis wanted nothing to do with it. I almost broke up with him and left anyway, but he'd just moved to Austin from Arkansas to be with me about 4 months prior, so of course I couldn't do that. Only a total douchebag would do that.

- What if I hadn't met the friends that I met? What if I met them now, instead of years ago? Would we still have hit it off, or is meeting people always a result of a very specific set of circumstances that brings you together at a specific time?

It's all sort of terrifying and endlessly exhausting to think about, but I always do.

Sorry the posts lately have not only been slow, but also incredibly lame. School's over after this week, so hopefully I'll get back on track. These last 3 weeks have almost killed me.

1 comment:

Mandy said...

I'm sure you know this, but I always play the "what if?" game with myself. What if I'd gone to Princeton, or Webster, or Stephens instead of the U of A? What if I'd gone to grad school in Boston? What if my parents hadn't left D.C., and I had grown up there?

This will sound incredibly cheesy, but I feel that all of the decisions I made that I frequently second guess (mostly like where I went to school and where I moved and when) were all somehow still good decisions, because they got me to where I am now (i.e. married to Victor, happy, etc.).

Uggh. I hate being that girl.