Wednesday, May 28, 2008
I think it was largely due to waking up at 5:30 yesterday morning and not being able to go back to sleep (despite not having gone to bed until almost 1:30 that morning), but nevertheless, I had knots in my stomach all day yesterday. I don't know that it was just anxiety, necessarily, but something like being a little nervous, on edge.
There is so much to do before mid-August, when I'll head out West. So many decisions to make, and business to take care of. I won't deny that I'm terrified, but I also get a little thrill, a rush of adrenaline, when I think about it too much. And even though it's still almost 3 months away, every moment that I spend with the people I love is that much more poignant and meaningful. I wanna hug everybody and never let go. One of my favorite people in the world is leaving for the summer to visit her mom in California and then go to New York. We're going tubing together today, and to see Sex and the City on Sunday, then she's gone. She even stayed an extra day in order to see the movie. But that's too soon.
And I'm so not prepared.
Today I'm also picking up some boxes to go ahead and start shipping some smaller stuff with Jody, who's leaving next week. Stuff like books, CD's, DVD's, small pieces of furniture that I won't need for the next couple of months. My room will be barren and sad, no longer surrounded by the artifacts of my life for the past 10-15 years.
I don't think I'm really prepared for that, either. It makes it all too real. I don't think I've really admitted how real this is yet. And how fast this summer is going to go.
But I'm not going to spend all this time being morose and pitiful. I'm going to love it, and revel in it, and be so thankful that I am going to be so sad to leave. That's a gift. How many people have as many people in their life capable of completely breaking their heart as I do? Probably not many.
I've decided to cherish that, not lament it.
It's a new chapter. I'm chasing my metaphorical (and maybe literal!) fortune. And chasing myself in a way even I don't completely understand, and maybe never will, but that's okay. Life needs a little mystery.
Something else I've accepted and embraced instead of being so goddamn angry that I don't have all the answers. That was the Old Me.
The New Me craves that mystery, that confusion, that unimportance of "knowing," and understanding. Or maybe I've just accepted the irrelevance of it and made peace with that.
Today I'm thinking about selling my car and a good chunk of my possessions. I want to invest in a good street bike and become one of those biking-nut-pseudo hippy dudes. i am, after all, moving to the most bike friendly city in North America. I have many plans, both physical and mental, for myself.
Who knows what the future holds? But at least I'm embracing it; taking charge, but still letting go. I'm always learning and I can only hope to keep falling down.