but what difference does it make?

as if i wasn't already depressed enough today for many and varied reasons, one of my favorite blogs, www.towleroad.com, had this story about a gay couple's home being burned down in florida, with the words "Die Fags" spray-painted on their front steps.
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/orl-locgayburning29072905jul29,0,4207003.story?coll=orl-news-headlines

then at the end of the story, it happens to mention that on sunday, a prominent gay club in Brownsville, Texas (outside houston) was burned down on sunday, and then mentions Fayetteville, Arkansas, my high school stomping ground. the article is here:
http://www.kfsm.com/Global/story.asp?S=3618094

(sorry, i haven't yet learned that whole HTML trick of linking to sites just by highlighting the words.)

the fayetteville club-burning has not yet been attributed to a hate crime, but let's just call a spade a spade, okay? fayetteville has suffered its share of anti-gay crime in recent years, the most notable probably being a young transvestite that was murdered in his apartment after picking up a couple of guys at a club a few years ago.

it's funny how you can just coast along, honestly believing in your heart that things are getting so much better, that people are actually beginning to show more respect and compassion toward one another, when in all actuality, hate crimes against gay people have increased by almost 50% in the past year. but with a hate-mongering president eating out of the hand of the religious right, doing their hateful best to shape our cultural landscape into one of fear, violence, hopelessness, and vengeance, what can you really expect? people are so easily swayed and malleable and weak. i sincerely weep for our future.

i don't like the drugs, but the drugs like me

so, i had one of the most pleasant dreams last night. it was a perfectly mild, breezy, sunny Spring day and i was just riding my bike all over town, so happy to be young and fit and....alive, i guess. that sounds so, like, "life-affirming" or something, but it's true. except the town in which i was riding around was a weird combination of austin, and my hometown in arkansas, but i was riding to 33 Degress (R.I.P) to buy the new rancid record or something. the details are scant, but it was a really good feeling.

i guess the drugs are finally working.

also, on my jog this morning, i noticed that the people in my neighborhood drink a lot. at least judging by all the wine and beer bottles in all of their recycle bins that were sitting out by the curb. perhaps i should start getting to know my neighbors better.

so what do you do with a rebel shoe?

i finally submitted my UT application yesterday. i'm really nervous for some reason. i have no doubts that i'll be accepted, but the thought of not being accepted in as a nearly 30-year-old undergrad would be the single most depressing thing that could have happened to me so far in my life.

thus far, not finishing my undergrad degree when i was supposed to is the single biggest regret of my life. in high school i had big dreams of going to NYU, or UCLA, or some small, liberal arts college like Sarah Lawrence. i never really pursued it b/c i was terrified, and probably it's for the best b/c i was never a great student. i finished at the Art Institute with a respectable GPA, but nothing to holler about. i just didn't want to be in school at that time, b/c i couldn't see the value of it, or what "real life" was really gonna be like. so now, here i am, 28, and getting my bachelors. but at least i'm doing it. and i'm going to be a great student, so that i can go to a great grad school when i'm done. and UT has some really cool stuff to offer, like a semester on their campus in Los Angeles, where you can take classes and intern at a studio. i'm also looking into their study abroad program, and i've narrowed it down to 4 cities that i'm really interested in: edinburgh, Scotland, Florence, Auckland, and Buenos Aires. all of which i think would be hella cool.

so who knows what will happen. i'm just gonna go with the flow and deal with what is handed to me, b/c if there's one thing i've learned in my life it's not to make plans, b/c they'll never ever pan out the way you think. you can consult a map, but usually the highways never really end up going where they say they're going to.

demented and sad, but social

it's such a great feeling when someone that knows you so well surprises you in a way that they know you'll adore, and you do. and when you're lying in bed at night, unable to relax enough to fall asleep, you think about it, and it makes you involuntarily smile to yourself.

oh, i forgot....

....six feet under is also wickedly funny.

something in my veins, bloodier than blood

i guess i've always been a little bit of a sucker for serialized drama on television. ever since i've been interested in human behavior and the complexity of relationships, i've enjoyed watching these very things unfold on television, starting as early as "beverly hills 90210" when i was in junior high, up to "my so-called life" in high school. obviously these shows weren't that deep or complicated, and most of the issues were usually pretty wrapped up by the end of the 42-minute episode. but at the time, i could relate to them, and they fed my burgeoning brain the things i think it needed.

lately in my life i've been completely obsessed with "sex and the city." though it definitely has its problems, and there are things about the show i don't care for, i think it's really smart, i like the characters, but more than anything else, i think it's fascinating to watch relationships grow and/or fall apart in more or less real time. having a TV show go on over a span of years enables the writers (if they're any good) to reveal characters slowly to you, to have them be very contradictory, or really surprise you in some way, just like people in real life do. it can reveal the little, minute things that people do or don't do over long periods of time that can make or break relationships. slights that people can hold, or the ways in which someone can harbor something internally for years and have it never reveal itself until one telling moment that it does. i think it's fascinating.

this past weekend i discovered and started watching "six feet under." i can certifiably say i think it's the smartest, most complicated, most painful show that's ever existed. or, at the very least, that i've ever seen. every character is deeply damaged in some way and they're all struggling to just connect with the people in their lives on some kind of true level. they may not know that's what they're doing, or they may fight it, but even more than being a show about death and grieving (which it is), it's a show about lonliness, isolation and pain. it's about trying to stop being afraid of your internal life, and your emotions, and learning to live your life in an open, honest, and fulfilling way. and it isn't easy for any of these characters, all of whom are great. admittedly, it's a bit over the top at times, but that's just kind of the nature of the beast.

and a friend of mine who also watches it told me yesterday that David, the gay brother, reminds her a lot of me, actually, which i guess i'll take as a compliment. he's 31, totally out of touch with himself, angry, lonely, sad, and resentful of the decisions that he's made, but he's also incredibly sweet, endearing, smart, sensitive, and desperately trying to figure out who he is after living his life for other people for 3 decades. and i'm only mid-way through the second season. my friend says he gets a lot more interesting and complicated and weird as time goes on. i'm so excited to see it!

you stole my heart, but i love you anyways

i think i found my new Anthem: "Maggie May," by rod stewart. love it. LOVE it!!


Wake up Maggie, I think I've got something to say to you
It's late September and I really should be back at school
I know I keep you amused But I feel I'm being used
Oh Maggie, I couldn't have tried any more
You led me away from home Just to save you from being alone
You stole my heart and that's what really hurts

The morning sun when it's in your eyes really shows your age
But that don't worry me none, in my eyes you're everything
I laughed at all of your jokes
My love you didn't need to coax
Oh Maggie, I couldn't have tried any more
You led me away from home
Just to save you from being alone
You stole my soul and that's a pain I can do without

All I needed was a friend to lend a helping hand
But you turned into a lover and mother, what a lover, you wore me out
All you did was wreck my bed
And in the morning kick me in the head
Oh Maggie, I couldn't have tried any more

You led me away from home'Cause you didn't want to be alone
You stole my heart, I couldn't leave you if I tried
I suppose I could collect my books and go on back to school
Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living at playing pool
Or find myself a rock and roll band
That needs a helping hand

Oh Maggie, I wished I'd never seen your face
You made a first class fool out of me
But I'm as blind as a fool can be
You stole my heart but I love you anyway
I'd never seen your face
I'll get on back home, one of these days

Memo to the World: Things that have already irritated the crap out of me this morning, and it's only 9am.

1. La Tazza Fresca not being open at 8:00 this morning. THEY'RE A COFFEE SHOP!!!!!!

2.my radio at work never ever ever getting good reception on channel 104.3, which is howard stern.

3. having to stand in line behind people with indecisive little kids at Quack's, after having to drive up there, b/c La Tazza Fresca wasn't open. at 8:00 in the morning.

4. waiting behind same child and father trying to exit the coffee shop, while the kid just stands there staring and chewing on her stuffed animal while the father tries to coax her out the door, but is otherwise blocking it with her stroller.

5. my power steering making that weird grinding noise again.

6. my allergies.

7. terrorists. more explosions in london this morning. i'm getting really sick of this crap. i'm getting to the point where i think we should just nuke the whole middle east. am i becoming a republican?

8. the construction workers constantly closing lanes on 45th street, tearing up all the pavement, then putting it all back down, but leaving huge holes, uneven lanes, cracks, and the roads in much worse shape than they ever were before. i don't understand why when you go in to fix all the pipes (which probably don't even need to be done), you can't replace the pavement smoothly and not leave giant potholes in it.

9. trying to print out my huge report at work, going to the printer to pick it up, then finding out the printer is out of paper, so i fill it up, and all the backed-up reports from all morning start printing out before mine, b/c no one in my office ever goes to the printer and picks up their reports, whereas if they ever did, someone would have noticed, long before i did, that the printer was out of paper, refilled it, had the reports previous to mine come out, then mine could have come out when it was supposed to, rather than have me stand there for 3 hours waiting on everybody else's crap!

we've reached a turning point, a fork stuck in the road

for the first time since i can remember, i'm feeling really good about the future. i have a plan. many plans. i'm relaxed, i'm confident, i can't wait to get started. now i just have to be patient. and strong. i'm scared shitless, frankly, but in a good way.

life is good. i'm looking forward to things, excited about my prospective accomplishments. but i know i can do it. i hope this feeling never ends.

i can't remember all the things you might have said

tonight i went over to my friend kat's house to watch some footage from the feature she's currently shooting. she never fails to amaze me. she's shooting on 16mm instead of digital, and it just looks stunning. it looks like a movie from the 80's, in a very good way.

she is so incredibly inspiring, her tenacity, her determination, her will, and her boundless kindness and energy. i don't see nearly enough of her. but when i left her house tonight, i was absolutely beaming with pride for her. her film is going to be amazing, and i can't wait to see it. i can't imagine my life without her. i can't imagine my life without any of the wonderful people that currently populate it today. i have no idea what i've ever done to be so blessed, but it must have been good. they are all the most wonderful, patient, generous, loving, creative, sensitive, brilliant and just GOOD people in this world. each and every one of them in their own special way.

all right, i'm done now. excuse me while i go vomit.

love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately about men and commitment and monogamy. i guess most men, by nature or by nurture, are afraid of, or at the very least, a little freaked out by, commitment to one other person.

it also seems to me that gay men are inordinately more incapable of commitment and vulnerability than most straight guys, ironically. i've been wracking my brain for days trying to figure out some reason for this; is it because so many of them spent so many years denying, or at best, subverting, who they really are, and what they desire? is it because so many of them have such low self-esteem that they feel unworthy of being loved, thus terrified of letting someone in, only to have them eventually leave? is it simply because "out" gay couples are such a recent, modern phenomenon that there is no real healthy model for how it's supposed to work? (this argument seems a little weak to me, but not entirely unrealistic.)

but now, thanks to some cute little penguins and thousands of years of routine, evolutionary behavior, i think i might have come to my answer. or at least a moderately satisfactory one.

last night i went with some friends to see "March of the Penguins." and while it didn't inspire tears or hit me in the gut the way i was really anticipating and hoping it would, i found it to be a moving, fascinating and competent piece of work about the hell that emporer penguins go through just to reproduce. they suffer 210 mile marches, -80 degree blizzards, months without food, dehydration, exhaustion, predators, and often eventually death, simply to spawn one egg, see it to fruition, only to eventually abandon it, so that the next year, that chick can go through the whole same process and carry on the species. often, for various reasons (they freeze to death, they get eaten, a parent dies, they just simply don't make it) the chicks don't live, and while the penguins clearly grieve, they don't give up. they wait until the next year, find another mate, and try it all again.

so, towards the end of the film, it hit me: gay men have such a hard time committing because there is no biological drive inside of them to mate with someone. of course i'm grossly simplifying here: many gay men eventually grow out of their seemingly endless adolescence and commit, and often have children together, but for the most part, and this isn't just bitterness talking, i really do believe that it's rare. but for straight people, there is nearly always the drive (or at least the societal expectation) to procreate, and the promise of the passing on of genes, and in turn, the ability to make a part of yourself live longer and give back to the world in some way. but what if your desires and relationships can never physically fulfill the evolutionary need for which humans essentially exist? well, simple: there is no reason to commit (evolutionarily), thus, most of them don't.

it's just a starter argument, i realize, and doesn't take into account the myriad of nuances that exist, i.e., straight couples that have no desire to have children, the fact that in a strictly biological sense, straight men should be much more averse to committing than gay men, since they're the ones that are supposed to go and spread their seed everywhere and create as many little miniature versions of themself as humanly possible before they die. and the fact that biologically, most men are just men. but without the societal "trap" of marriage, and the eventual babies to support, gay men are free to live a life of terminal bed-hopping, partner-swapping, closed-off emotions and all the rest.

thoughts?

didn't it rain

i had to get up at 5:00 this morning to take a friend to the airport, and since i've been suffering from heightened insomnia this whole week, i didn't get to sleep until about 2:30. therefore, when my alarm went off i was still in the midst of my REM sleep, i think.

i was having a dream that i was walking down a very busy retail street near my house, talking on my phone to a good friend of mine who lives in north carolina that i haven't seen in about 2 years. suddenly i was aware of a presence above me, in the sky, and thunderous sound like a tornado. i looked up only to see a space shuttle (literally) free-falling through the atmosphere and come crashing down in a ball of flames and destruction on top of a whataburger (seriously). the building exploded, and complete pandemonium ensued on the street. people were screaming and running everywhere, cars began all crashing into one another, and flames were shooting out in all directions. i got caught up in a mob of people running away from the wreckage, but somehow a weird barrier had been put up on the street, and they weren't letting people go through.

and then it occurred to me that i was wearing nothing but a pair of red Hanes briefs. i was a little embarrassed, but mostly i was afraid i was going to die. and before i could give it much more thought, more stuff started falling from the sky. a huge wing from a jet fell (but not the rest of the plane, which was MIA) and landed on some condominiums behind a blockbuster, along with a flaming engine. all from a clear blue sky.

and then my alarm went off.

when i went to pick up my friend, i told her about the dream, which she didn't appreciate, since she was about to get on a giant plane and fly to new york. i didn't think of that.

no distance left to run

have you ever had those moments in life that you wish more than anything you could just erase? moments that are humiliating, in the deepest sense of the word, or betray too much of your emotion, or of how unstable you are, or at least feel? or because they're just cruel. a slighted word, an accidental antecdote, a slip of the tongue (or keyboard) that you would give anything to take back?

well, i had one of those moments last week. i regret it more than i've regretted almost anything in my entire life, b/c i deeply wounded someone i love more than anyone, and someone that loves me. a simple apology won't suffice; this wound will take time, like that pimple you should have just left alone. it would have been uncomfortable, and taken some time to heal, and been ugly and embarrassing, but left alone, it would go away on its own accord. but no, you had to go play with it, squeeze it, try to rush the healing process along, and now it's going to leave a scar. and everytime you see that scar you're going to think of that pain, or that hideously ugly and violent struggle.

i love you, J. i hope someday you can forgive me.