Wednesday, September 20, 2006

It's been almost 48 hours

since my last cigarette. I haven't craved or wanted a cigarette in any way in those two days. I've barely even thought about them. The nicotine will be gone from my system in another day.

But here's the problem: I have the worst fucking headache of my life. I've been coughing, my throat feels raw, and my sinuses will not stop fucking leaking. I did some research on how the body cleanses itself, and this is all very normal, even the sinus pressure and drainage.

The smoke masks all kinds of problems while it's trying to kill you
, the site says.

The irony, though, is that my sinuses feel like they usually do after I've had a long night of heavy drinking and smoking 3/4 of a pack of cigarettes. They feel inflamed, raw, sore, full, heavy, and it's affecting my entire body.

But in another way, it feels wonderful, and I'm savoring every moment of it. It's the same with emotional pain, you know? You just have to feel your way through it; it's gonna hurt a little bit, but you'll come out the other side feeling stronger and better than before, with renewed confidence and hope (well, theoretically).

Actually, I'm glad I'm having physical withdrawals. All that does is confirm that I made the right decision (as if I needed any more confirmation!). If my body is suffering this much physically trying to cleanse the poison out of my system, imagine what must have been happening to my body for the past 10 years, while I was shoveling all that poison into it! Gross. It makes me wanna throw up just thinking about it.

I like this, though. I'm enjoying this suffering.

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