Front-Desk Dick

I don't know what's more annoying to me right now: the guy at the table next to mine yapping on his cell phone as loudly as he possibly can in the middle of a coffee shop, or the fact that I've been here for about 15 minutes and already stopped working on my research paper about welfare reform and poverty in the United States. I should have chosen a different topic, like What America Should Do About Alexis Arquette's Face.



If anyone besides me was fortunate enough to have caught the premiere episode of Top Design on Bravo last night, you'll know what I'm talking about. It's just like all those other reality/competition shows, except this one features designers putting rooms together. Last night, the contestants were given 5 objects belonging to a "mystery person" and instructed to design a room around those objects. It's a neat idea, actually, and each team was given $50,000 (!!!) to play with. Anyway, after the rooms are all done, the "mystery guest" was revealed to be none other than Alexis Arquette.

Huh?

When he/she was revealed as the guest, all the little queens in the room (and believe you me, this show contains no small amount of the swishiest, bitchiest queens you never wanted) nearly fainted with delight and excitement. I had no idea Alexis was such a huge icon in the gay world. It appears that he has officially gone through "the change," and the other judges kept referring to him/her as "her," so I guess that's the case. But seriously, what does Alexis do? I know that as a male, he's had a bunch of bit parts in a bunch of movies, but what besides that? When I lived in Dallas I went to a screening he and 3 of his friends were hosting of a "film" they'd made, involving a bunch of dudes in drag pretending to be sorority girls getting killed by a slasher. Um. It was real clever. Alexis and his friends sat directly behind me and my friends and talked out loud, laughed, and threw popcorn throughout the entire film. Which in hindsight, I'm sure made it much better.


Last time I was in L.A., actually, Brad and I went to a club in Hollywood, where Miss Arquette just happened to be hosting some sort of "show," where she basically ran around taking pictures of anyone's dick who would let her, then hanging up each picture on a clothesline running through the bar (they were Polaroids). And sucked up copious amounts of cocaine. And this was apparently a regular Sunday night "event" at this particular club.

I've always heard he was a big crackhead.


When I expressed the question out loud last night about what Alexis actually does (and speaking of which, where the hell did the Arquettes even come from? Are they Hollywood lineage of some sort, or did they just have really ambitious parents?), my friend with whom I was watching the show said that he always thought of Alexis as the "front-desk dick" from Threesome. Look, he's even listed in the cast as Dick. Anyway, I thought that was hilarious. I'm not going to explain it if you haven't seen the movie.

Oh, but wait.... Oops.

Never mind. I just realized I made a mistake.

The guest last night wasn't Alexis Arquette.

It was Ann Coulter.



My bad.