Thursday, August 04, 2005

lord, i hope this day is good

yesterday was a really tough day, but i think i made some good breakthroughs. i went to my pre-op for the surgery i was supposed to have tomorrow, and i was told i'm going to have to push it back a week due to the fact that i started taking st. johns wort a week ago, and you can't have anything like that in your system, b/c apparently it fucks up your blood pressure.

it's not a big deal to push it back a week, but i was so mentally prepared to finally get all of this over with in 2 days, and it was a really big letdown. it was all i could do to keep from breaking out into convulsing sobs sitting in the nurse's office. having people carve up the inside of your skull is really nerve-wracking, and i've been psyching myself up for this for years, essentially. i know it's going to be so worth it when it's all said and done, but it's really scary.

secondly, i called my mom on tuesday night and just cried and cried to her. it felt so great. i haven't cried to my mom or really just been totally emotionally honest with her about anything since i was a teenager. it felt really good. she's suffered so much the last decade or so, and i've never wanted to burden her all these years, but finally i was just like, "fuck it, she's my mom, that's her job." she's supposed to protect me, not the other way around. it made me feel a lot better, and i feel like maybe some fences between the 2 of us that have been up for years are finally starting to sag a little bit.

i had another horrible anxiety attack at work yesterday, too, after returning from my pre-op appointment. i went into the bathroom and just couldn't stop crying, and eventually just had to go home. my friend here at work went outside with me and we had a really good talk, and again, i was able to really let myself go and cry in front of her, and then mark came back from lunch and sat with us for a bit, too. i've had so much trouble in my life making myself vulnerable in front of other people. i've always felt like i had to be this pillar of impenetrable strength, and never let people see the sometimes ugly, messy, uncomfortable, unattractive side of myself, but i'm learning to start letting all of that go. i know that people will still love me, and won't think i'm this blubbering, crying mess of an idiot who can't handle life. that's kind of how i feel right now, but i know it's a stepping stone and i'll get through it.

the therapy that i've been going to has been really intense, and this is one of the major issues we're working on, and my poor little tiny brain is just getting so overwhelmed with all of it. it's incredibly painful and shocking to learn that the emotional maps you've made for yourself over a period of a lot of years (roughly about 13 years, in my case), that you've always relied on to get you through, are doing nothing but fucking you up and in the end, making your life and your relationships that much harder. so learning to face those things head-on and really tackle them in a meaningful and useful way is so terrifying, it's almost inconceivable. it's almost like, you start becoming this other, unfamiliar person and you don't even recognize yourself when you look in a mirror. especially if your face is red and blotchy and tear-streaked and feels like it's been stretched. it's not pretty. and i've only been to 5 sessions. the fun is just beginning.

and lastly, after i woke up from my 5-hour xanax-induced coma yesterday afternoon, i called joe. it was the first time we'd spoken in about 5 or 6 weeks, and it was pretty intense. but overall, it was wonderful. we had one of the deepest, most open and intimate conversations we've ever had in our entire relationship. and while i'm still totally reeling from our breakup, and just so confused by it all, and having a really hard time making sense of it, we both agreed that neither of us can, or want, to walk away from this. we're going to cautiously try to be friends, and i really hope it works out and doesn't backfire on either one of us somehow. he's so important to me, but we were never really friends, just lovers, basically, and i'd like to try to do that. and even if it fails, at least we'll both know we gave it our all. it's another way i'm trying out with coping, since the total cut-off of all contact doesn't seem to be working, maybe this will. we'll see.

sorry if this post today seems a bit personal and weepy. i think it's good to get this stuff out there, and i don't even know if anyone even ever reads this thing. but i read it, and it's really just for me.

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