i've decided that what i really need right now is a vacation. the idea of traveling alone has always terrified me to no end. i've always been so afraid of getting myself in some kind of bad situation with no one to bail me out, or just getting really lonely or bored, or simply becoming horribly lost in a strange and unfamiliar city. but the conclusion that i came to this morning is that i think nothing would be better for me right now than going someplace entirely unfamiliar, and potentially frightening, and getting totally and completely lost, and having to rely on no one but myself to figure it all out (and maybe the kindness of strangers). call it a test of my will, or just finally doing something i've wanted to do for years but have been putting off because i was waiting for the right time.
so, i'm doing it: i'm taking the plunge, and i'm planning a vacation to take by myself in 3 weeks to Pittsburgh. ever since becoming aware of Michael Chabon, the city of Pittsburgh has always had a really captivating appeal to me, and i've dreamed since then of visiting and exploring it with a lover, but since i'm all out of those at the moment, i'm just going to go it alone. and, ironically, joe just got back from there on a work trip and sent me an email telling me how much i would love it. so fuck it, i'm going. and i'm going alone. for 3 days. and i'm going to have a really good time eating alone, walking around alone, going to museums alone, jogging in the park alone, and doing whatever else alone. i'm actually really excited about it.
this is a pretty bold new step for me. i can barely even go anywhere in austin alone. but it seems very valuable and important for me to do something like this and just go for it.