Friday, August 26, 2005

mark of the beast

mark was berating me yesterday for not updating my blog enough, and it stirred up this weird conundrum inside me. it's interesting, b/c i originally started this blog to be totally private, just for a place for me to basically keep a journal of myself, and what was going on in my life, for myself more than anyone else. but now that several people know about it and apparently read it on a fairly consistent basis (and, as i discovered yesterday, i now have a new reader: hey Megan!!! it's good to hear from you!), i find myself censoring it more than i ever wanted to.

there are lots of things i feel i could write about, but that it would be boring, or somewhat disrespectful, like how i got really upset with my mom this week for something she did that i felt really jilted by, and was made to feel guilty about, and for which i feel i shouldn't have (felt guilty). but i don't really feel very comfortable writing about it, b/c i don't really think it's anyone's business to know. or i might just sound whiny writing about. if i put out there everything that's going on in my head, i would sound like the most ungrateful, whiny, neurotic wretch on earth, even though i don't think i am. everybody's life has static and upheaval and pain, but i don't necessarily think it should all be broadcast for the whole world (or, like, 5 people) to know everything about. it's a weird feeling. and one that kind of makes me regret ever having told anyone that i do this. but as good as i am (most of the time) at keeping other people's secrets, i'm horrible at keeping my own. and aside from that, there's not that much that's interesting going on in my life right now. i've been watching season 2 of "the OC," which i'm actually finding incredibly boring and tedious. but i want to get through it so i can start watching season 4 of "Six Feet Under," which also came out on DVD this week. this is what my life has become these days: scheduling proper viewing orders of TV shows that i'm catching up on on DVD. compelling stuff, for sure. and, you know, a lot of xanax and beer and cigarettes. more than is really acceptable, of all 3, actually. but there you have it.

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