Today I'm exhausted. I've had some trouble sleeping this week for some reason, and I'm working extra hours at my job (almost 40 this week), and today I officially started my second job at the hospice. So today I was in class from 8 to 12:15, then worked from 1 to 7. (Whine, whine.) I don't know if it was exhaustion or what, but today in the office, while I was counting out methadone, xanax, and countless other medication I couldn't even begin to pronounce, much less spell, I just started crying. Out of the blue. Luckily I was alone in there, with the door locked (since I had medication spread out everywhere), but it was still sort of embarassing. I guess I was just feeling a little emotional on top of quite fatigued. But I have recovered, had a lovely dinner topped off with some gelato, and am unwinding watching my nightly routine of the Daily Show and the Colbert Report.
Also, for some trivial blogging, I picked up this meme, where you basically create the soundtrack to your life by shuffling your itunes (or ipod, whatever the case may be) and applying each randomly selected song to the various parts of the film they will inevitably make about you when you die.
Just as a caveat, even though I have almost 400 songs in my itunes library, it barely represents a fraction of my entire music collection, but does, however, represent most of what I've been listening to for the past year or so.
So, without further ado:
Opening Credits: "The Bluest Eyes in Texas" - Restless Heart. Since the opening credits song is supposed to set the tone for the whole film, I'm not sure how I feel about a song about being torn up and guilt-ridden over leaving the girl you love, and being forever haunted by the tears in her eyes, setting the tone for my life story. It's certainly romantic and creates a nice ambience. For a really depressing movie. Was also featured prominently (and hauntingly) in the feel-good movie of 1999.
Waking Up: "Free to Go" - Dwight Yoakam. Love only calls us for awhile, and is always free to go. So I wake up the next day, to an upbeat ditty for sure, but clearly having just had my heart broken once again. Or maybe it's just an extension of the night before, when I just stopped at another hotel room. Perhaps I'm feeling better, more zen, about my situation this morning. Nevertheless, I slap on my eye cream and moisturizer (which is the one daily regimen I never forget to pack!) and face the world with the dark circles gone (or at least greatly diminished) and prepare for a new day.
First Day of School: "My Love" - Justin Timberlake. I've never been one to jump head-first into relationships (it's taken me years to come around, in fact), but I guess I meet someone at school I really like a lot. Must be that fantastic eye moisturizer!
Falling in Love: "Hazy Shade of Winter" - the Bangles. Uh.... the man I fall in love with is a coke head? That sucks. But so typical. Ooh! Maybe it's Robert Downey Jr.! Oh, wait, he's a coke head. And he breaks into children's bedrooms. Well, we've all done silly things under the influence of ridiculous amounts of narcotics. Haven't we?
First Song: "Evil Angel" - Rufus Wainwright. I swear to God, I'm not making this up. But it seems to be shaping up into a great film so far. Let's recap: I leave the girl I love, I'm haunted, I'm driving across Texas alone, stop for a night in a crappy hotel in some podunk town and watch the stars. The next morning...I go to school? Okay, go with it. Oh, maybe that's why I left, to go to school someplace far away and start anew. Hmmm... I like this story so far. So the first day of class, I meet this great guy, fall instantly in love, but, big downer, he's addicted to drugs. It's all fun and gaymes until someone gets addicted! Or sleeps in a strange child's bed. So now he's evil (but I still love him!), but I know what I have to do. Which brings us to......
Breaking Up: "Live to Tell" - Madonna. I'm sensing a theme: If I ran away, I'd never have the strength to go very far. It just occurred to me that I'm supposed to be soundtracking my real life, not some imaginary script that fits the soundtrack. Okay, well, I dump the loser, but I can't quite let him go. I've run away all my life; it's time for me to stay and fight for this douchebag, even though I'm pretty much over it. Maybe I'm just still broken-hearted because it's comfortable and I enjoy being the martyr. No, I don't like that. I genuinely want to help him. So I vow to fight.
Prom: "Queen of Hearts" - Juice Newton. The joker ain't the only fool who'd do anything for you. So he gets moderately clean, promises to stand upright, so I take him to the fall formal (go with it). But, darn it, once again I find him in a stall blowing the lead football player for a tiny bump! Okay, I'm done. I realize I miss the girl and decide to go find her again.
Driving: "Daniel" - Elton John. Can't you see the car whizzing through the arid Texas desert, with the "clouds in my eyes?" That must be the coke head's name. That's what I get for falling in love with someone with such a stupid name as Daniel. But I already miss the asshole. Too bad he's a scar that won't heal.
Flashback: "Sour Girl" - Stone Temple Pilots. I won't even get into why this song is even in my itunes library to begin with (it's far too convoluted a story to get into right now). So I get back to wherever and find the girl, but the new love I've found has made her lose her luster. I left the bitch for a reason, right? Luckily, I've found that with time and distance (and some reality) there's always a reason they're gone. Now I remember why school was more important.
Getting Back Together: Since there is not one shred of myself that wants to still be with any of my (two) exes, I'll skip this. There will be no getting back together. But just for fun, let's see what itunes would have selected for this wrench in the plot: "Ready to Run" - the Dixie Chicks. I swear. to. God. I am not making this shit up. Maybe I slept with the girl again, thinking it's what I wanted (or at least talked to her about getting back together and going to some good friends' wedding together and made out), and then the next day she changed her mind. Oh, wait, in my version, I'm the one that changes their mind. I decide to say to her, "The intensity of your feelings terrifies me." Just to be an jerk, and twist that knife a few inches deeper.
Wedding: Oh, this is working out perfectly! So, I go to the friends' wedding solo, sad, but okay otherwise. The song that plays in the "getting ready for the wedding" montage, including tying the groom's tie for him, which I'm honored he asked me to do, is "Famous Last Words of a Fool" - George Strait. Boy, I'm really conflicted. I still love the girl (and poor strung-out Daniel), but I know that neither one is right. So even though I love them, I have to convince them both, and myself, that I don't anymore. You won't break my heart/and I don't love you/the famous last words of a fool.
Birth of a Child: "Crazy in Love" - Beyonce. I don't know whose baby it is, but this song seems appropriate for the crazy, rushing to the hospital, barely making it, and some crazy slapstick things happens, third-act scene where the baby is born and everybody believes in love again, or some stupid shit.
Final Battle: "Blue in the Face" - Alkaline Trio. Even though everyone is in love with the new baby and happy and life couldn't be better, I realize that once again it's time for me to move on. I actually find this song to be incredibly sad. In a wave of self pity brought on by soul-crushing loneliness, I pack up my trusty Chevy and head off in the middle of the night, leaving a good-bye note to my loved ones on my bed for someone to find. Because even in my absence I have to be melodramatic and make a grand exit, even if no one actually sees it.
Death Scene: "Bloody Mary Morning" - Willie Nelson. Somewhere in Houston I stop to have breakfast and upon leaving the greasy spoon, drunk at 7 am, I slip off the curb and get smacked by a bus of morning commuters.
Funeral Song: "Deathly" - Aimee Mann. Now that we've met, would you object to never seeing me again? I actually really do like the idea of this song being played at my funeral.
End Credits: "Falling" - Roy Orbison. Finally, in death, and over the end credits, our Young, Tragic Hero finds the peace he'd always sought. The song is about faking being in love with someone to get her to sleep with him, but then (oops!) he really accidentally falls in love with her. But she's leaving him anyway. So I guess he doesn't find peace. But now he's dead, so who cares.
I have far too much time on my hands. And so do you if you actually read all of this.