Thursday, March 22, 2007

I've been trying to think of some kind of clever title for awhile now, involving ginger and butts, but I just can't think of anything catchy.

There's a guy I work with I'll call N., that is quite hilarious. He's 29, and he loves to talk. He's one of those guys that will just follow you around talking (probably all day if he could) and you don't even have to respond. He'll just keep talking. Luckily, he's really smart and has a totally perverse sense of humor, so despite the fact that sometimes I wanna knock the shit out of him and tell him to just...shut...up!!! we get along really well.

So, two of his many obsessions are old, bitter, aging gay men, and people who stick stuff up their butt. He's constantly telling me about his gay friends, and the stuff they put up their butts. He thinks it's the funniest thing in the world. He has one friend who's fairly young (our age I guess), who, apparently, enjoys challenging himself by trying to get bigger and bigger things up his butt. N. takes an enormous amount of glee in regaling me with second-hand tales of his friend who can now fit a jar up his ass. N. holds up his hands to model the circumfrence, and his eyes get wide, and he just laughs and thinks it's the funniest thing in the world. And then he tells me about his other friend, that he swears must have been f*cked by hundreds of guys. Yesterday he told me that he thinks the guy must have a distended butthole and just have poop fall out while he's walking, he's been f*cked so many times. Which he of course thinks is...hilarious.

And I have to admit, the way he tells the stories is pretty funny. Yesterday I finally had to silence him by telling him that he's told me the story about the guy who sticks stuff up his butt about 50 times. N just smiled and kept on telling me the story anyway. We were both outside on our breaks at the time, and then two other guys that work there (two very cute guys, both on which I happen to have little crushes) joined the conversation, and were rolling on the floor laughing so hard listening to N re-tell his butt stories.

All three of these guys are totally straight, by the way.

So then I mentioned figging to them and asked if any of them had heard of it. None of them had, so I explained to them what figging is (site totally NSFW, by the way). I'm not sure where I first heard about it, but figging is the practice of peeling ginger root and sticking it up your butt. The reason someone would do this is because when ginger interacts with the skin, apparenlty it enflames it or something, somehow, and when you stick it up your butt and leave it for about 30 seconds to a minute, it begins to burn like you've never felt before. It'll burn like you think you're dying, but then the burn subsides after a few seconds, and apparently leaves you with a crazy euphoria that's like being totally stoned, and feels incredible and gives you amazing orgasms. I told them I've never tried it, but I have to admit I've always been a little curious.

Like me, the boys reacted with a mix of curiosity and revulsion. But we all laughed about it.

So for the whole rest of the day, every time one of us saw another one, we'd make a joke about holding the other down and shoving ginger up his ass just to make him squeal.

I'm not making this up. And since we were just talking about "peeled ginger," we could freely talk about it in front of customers (as in, making jokes about finding some peeled ginger in their backpack or locker or something) and laugh hysterically, leaving the customer completely perplexed.

Sometimes my job is totally awesome.

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