i got up very early this morning in the hopes of being able to make it to the zoo and back to my hotel by 12:30, for a cab to pick me up and take me downtown to meet the airport shuttle at 1:40. my plans were thrwarted, however, when no one really knew how to get to the zoo, and it's a rougly 40 minute bus ride out there, apparently, with a roughly 40 minute bus ride back. no one knew how often the buses ran, and it all just seemed too risky. so i decided to explore my North Shore neighborhood a little more, since i was too afraid to at night.
the Carnegie Science Center is around here somewhere, so i headed out for that. despite there being signs for it everywhere, with arrows pointing you where to go, i never did find it, and walked in circles. i asked 3 people, but none of them seemed to know exactly how to get there. which i think is really weird. i feel like in Austin, for instance, almost anyone could tell you precisely how to get anywhere, especially if that thing happened to be in the same neighborhood where these people seemingly lived. so i tried to go to the Children's Museum, which is beautiful and old and made of stone, but it didn't open until noon. the library was also closed (incidentally, the library up here on the North Shore was the first public library in the US, donated by Mr. Carnegie, as everything up here seems to be), so i decided to go the Aviary Center, which was in the middle of a lush, green park with a gigantic fountain. i loved the Aviary, and my heart almost burst watching all these precious birds in their replicated habitats just doing their thing. and i realized that i am not, in fact, a bitter person, which was comforting, and i have tiny, adorable 7" owls to thank for that. i wanted to cuddle up with them they were so cute. and one of them was all sleepy and kept squinting his big eyes closed. the other one was staring at me. i loved all the birds, and they were just amazing.
there's a Pittsburgh Steelers game today, and the stadium is about 6 blocks from my hotel, so my neighborhood (i say "my" neighborhood) is crawling with Steelers fans, all decked out in their jerseys and carrying coolers. unfortunately, however, i was only able to find about 2 cafes within about 10 blocks of my hotel, and they were both closed! at 11 on sunday morning. only the bars were open. very weird. it must be really boring to live up here if there's nowhere to go to get coffee or breakfast on sunday morning. or maybe i just don't know where to go. as i was walking around, i passed an apartment with a big, white, very fluffly kitty poking his head underneath the curtain of the open front window to look out. it was staring at me, and i said hi to it, and it mewed at me. it was very sweet. i almost took a picture of it, but then decided not to. but it made me smile.
small moments. the older i get, the more and more i appreciate them.
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Pittsburghers
people who live in Pittsburgh are called "Pittsburghers," which i find endlessly amusing. so much less dignified than, say, oh, i don't know, "Pittsburghians," maybe? maybe they don't want to be dignified, and if so, kudos to them. i'd like a Pittsburgher with cheese, please. yes, i just made myself giggle out loud.
so today was slightly more fun, for several reasons. one, is that i think i finally started to figure out the layout of this place. directionally, it's really confusing, b/c the downtown is just a big triangle, and a crooked one at that, and all the surrounding neighborhoods go around it in a circle, so there is no straight North, South, East, or West. everything is just marginally one direction. and it's very confusing. but today i discovered the South Side, which is where i would absolutely live if i were to ever move here for whatever reason. imagine the Drag in Austin, except lined on both sides, going on about 4 times as long, and all the stores being local and quirky. tons of bookstores, record stores, clothing stores, quaint cafes, and not a chain among them, except i saw one Starbucks. it runs along the river on the north side, and sits at the bottom of the South Hills on the south side, which is a residential area built into the side of a very steep mountain. it's stunningly gorgeous. i found what must the be the coziest bookstore ever, called Eljay's Books. it even beats out the one Mandy, Victor, Collier, and I found in New Orleans. it was very library-like and dark, but just thousands of books, and the owner was blaring this great bluegrass music and singing along with it at the top of his lungs (she was the prettiest girl i ever saw/ down in the Arkansas!), which just made me beam from ear to ear for a couple of reasons. i had to buy something from this guy, so i bought an Annie Proulx novel called Postcards, and a collection of Andre dubus short stories that everyone in the world has read except for me. both for only about 8 bucks.
i also did the Dusquene (prounounced "duh-keen") Incline today. i went into the ticket booth, run by this fiery-red haired middle-aged woman who was one of the sweetest ladies i ever met. when i walked in, she said, "just you, are you alone?" i said "Yes," and she replied, "well, you're not alone, but by yourself." i almost cried. it was maybe the most thoughtful thing a stranger has ever said to me. and precisely what i needed to hear.
so i spent a lot of time on the South Side, mostly, today, but also did the Strip, which was incredibly boring. but my feet were aching, and i was really hot and tired. i stopped in this very trendy bar (think 6th St) called dejAVu ("Meet. Dance. Socialize." is their motto) to have a beer and just relax my feet, which are absoultely killing me at the moment. i got my beer from the bar and walked away, totally forgetting to pay for it. after i'd sat down a few minutes, i realized and got back up to go pay for it, and the bartender, some cute-ish sorority-looking girl was all, "i was wondering about that. i was keeping an eye on you." it made me feel sort of shitty, but she grinned at me as she said it, to let me know that she knew i wouldn't walk away. some 60's song was playing on the jukebox, and this guy she was talking to turned around and asked me if i knew who sang it. i said no, and the girl said, "too bad, because you'd be a lot cooler if you did." i said, "i never claimed to be cool." they both laughed. as my card was going through, the girl went to check on the artist of the song and came back and said it was some group called Jive Five. then i said, "now i'm cool because i didn't know." both of them thought that was hysterical.
i can honestly say that Pittsburghers (chuckle) seem to be very nice people. i haven't had one bad experience with anyone. on the contrary, it seems everyone has gone out of their way to be helpful and accomodating. last night as i was taking the bus home, i was the last person on it, and the bus driver even went several blocks out of his way to drop me off closer to the bridge, so i wouldn't have to walk as far downtown since it was getting dark. it was the end of his route, and he just did it to be nice. i thought that was incredibly sweet.
one thing i've learned about traveling alone is that it forces you to interact with your environment in a much more direct way than traveling with someone else does. you have to talk to people, and rely on strangers for advice, or directions, or just to be kind. it also makes you much more observant, i think, of what's going on around you, and where you are, than you might otherwise be. it almost makes you more porous, i think (is that the correct word?), of your environment. since you have to be more alert, and figure everything out on your own, and be more trusting of your instincts, you get more of an honest feel of things. i'm really glad i took this trip. i'm ready to get home, and i think i've done about all i can do here, but i don't regret coming at all. Pittsburgh is quiet, it seems. just sort of laidback, unpretentious, not much going on. it feels more southern than northern to me. and it's reminded me a lot of Austin, but just doesn't measure up. that's the best thing about traveling: if you love where you come from, which i do, traveling gives you a renewed love and appreciation for your home. i can't wait to get back to Texas.
so today was slightly more fun, for several reasons. one, is that i think i finally started to figure out the layout of this place. directionally, it's really confusing, b/c the downtown is just a big triangle, and a crooked one at that, and all the surrounding neighborhoods go around it in a circle, so there is no straight North, South, East, or West. everything is just marginally one direction. and it's very confusing. but today i discovered the South Side, which is where i would absolutely live if i were to ever move here for whatever reason. imagine the Drag in Austin, except lined on both sides, going on about 4 times as long, and all the stores being local and quirky. tons of bookstores, record stores, clothing stores, quaint cafes, and not a chain among them, except i saw one Starbucks. it runs along the river on the north side, and sits at the bottom of the South Hills on the south side, which is a residential area built into the side of a very steep mountain. it's stunningly gorgeous. i found what must the be the coziest bookstore ever, called Eljay's Books. it even beats out the one Mandy, Victor, Collier, and I found in New Orleans. it was very library-like and dark, but just thousands of books, and the owner was blaring this great bluegrass music and singing along with it at the top of his lungs (she was the prettiest girl i ever saw/ down in the Arkansas!), which just made me beam from ear to ear for a couple of reasons. i had to buy something from this guy, so i bought an Annie Proulx novel called Postcards, and a collection of Andre dubus short stories that everyone in the world has read except for me. both for only about 8 bucks.
i also did the Dusquene (prounounced "duh-keen") Incline today. i went into the ticket booth, run by this fiery-red haired middle-aged woman who was one of the sweetest ladies i ever met. when i walked in, she said, "just you, are you alone?" i said "Yes," and she replied, "well, you're not alone, but by yourself." i almost cried. it was maybe the most thoughtful thing a stranger has ever said to me. and precisely what i needed to hear.
so i spent a lot of time on the South Side, mostly, today, but also did the Strip, which was incredibly boring. but my feet were aching, and i was really hot and tired. i stopped in this very trendy bar (think 6th St) called dejAVu ("Meet. Dance. Socialize." is their motto) to have a beer and just relax my feet, which are absoultely killing me at the moment. i got my beer from the bar and walked away, totally forgetting to pay for it. after i'd sat down a few minutes, i realized and got back up to go pay for it, and the bartender, some cute-ish sorority-looking girl was all, "i was wondering about that. i was keeping an eye on you." it made me feel sort of shitty, but she grinned at me as she said it, to let me know that she knew i wouldn't walk away. some 60's song was playing on the jukebox, and this guy she was talking to turned around and asked me if i knew who sang it. i said no, and the girl said, "too bad, because you'd be a lot cooler if you did." i said, "i never claimed to be cool." they both laughed. as my card was going through, the girl went to check on the artist of the song and came back and said it was some group called Jive Five. then i said, "now i'm cool because i didn't know." both of them thought that was hysterical.
i can honestly say that Pittsburghers (chuckle) seem to be very nice people. i haven't had one bad experience with anyone. on the contrary, it seems everyone has gone out of their way to be helpful and accomodating. last night as i was taking the bus home, i was the last person on it, and the bus driver even went several blocks out of his way to drop me off closer to the bridge, so i wouldn't have to walk as far downtown since it was getting dark. it was the end of his route, and he just did it to be nice. i thought that was incredibly sweet.
one thing i've learned about traveling alone is that it forces you to interact with your environment in a much more direct way than traveling with someone else does. you have to talk to people, and rely on strangers for advice, or directions, or just to be kind. it also makes you much more observant, i think, of what's going on around you, and where you are, than you might otherwise be. it almost makes you more porous, i think (is that the correct word?), of your environment. since you have to be more alert, and figure everything out on your own, and be more trusting of your instincts, you get more of an honest feel of things. i'm really glad i took this trip. i'm ready to get home, and i think i've done about all i can do here, but i don't regret coming at all. Pittsburgh is quiet, it seems. just sort of laidback, unpretentious, not much going on. it feels more southern than northern to me. and it's reminded me a lot of Austin, but just doesn't measure up. that's the best thing about traveling: if you love where you come from, which i do, traveling gives you a renewed love and appreciation for your home. i can't wait to get back to Texas.
Friday, September 09, 2005
one whole day in Pittsburgh, and still no sign of Jordan Catalano
i'm so tired right now, i don't even know where to start. i've also about written myself out, having hand-written almost 10 pages in my journal since yesterday afternoon. but i'll fill in the big stuff.
trouble started in dallas. my 5:35 flight out didn't end up taking off until almost 8:00, b/c some part had to replaced in the cockpit. this is the second time i've flown with American Airlines and my flight has been messed up. V, can you do anything about this? so i get into Pittsburgh around midnight, and after a 25 minute, and $40 cab ride later, arrive at my hotel, not in the nicest part of town. it's not bad, but a block away are a bunch of empty, broken-windowed, Brownstone-type buildings that loom pretty large and black and sketchy at night. but it's fine. the hotel itself is beautiful. and creepy as hell. but beautiful. it's a huge, old, Victorian mansion, 3 floors, with mile-long hallways straight out of The Shining. it also appears to be totally empty except for me. and i'm on the 3rd floor, right in the middle of one of the gushing-blood, ghost-twin-infested hallways. if i see any little toddlers with bad bowl-cuts riding a tricycle down the hall, i'm so outta here. or if i see Jack Nicholson. that's just scary, regardless. the only sign i've seen so far of any other occupants was one woman in the dining room at breakfast this morning. i also noticed tonight when i was walking home that my hotel is right off of Lacock Street. i actually laughed out loud to myself in the dark, abandoned underpass i was walking through. and i tried to take a picture, but it was too dark. then i scurried away so i wouldn't get mugged and shot for the $20 in my wallet. perhaps tomorrow i'll get a picture.
i can't sleep to save my life, so i don't end up passing out until almost 4, and i have an 8:00 wake-up call, b/c they stop serving free breakfast at 9. and even the 4 hours i have are fitful, and fraught with disturbing dreams about the hotel itself. weird men in loincloths in the fetal position are scattered everywhere, and i'm stepping over them, and i vaguely understand it's some weird sexual thing, but i have no idea what, and i'm totally creeped out, then one of them grabs my ankle and laughs and i wake up, my heart racing. i also read Kafka on the entire plane ride up here, and found it totally engrossing, but appalling. i think that's what inspired the dream. so i have a hearty, complimentary breakfast, and set out to see Pittsburgh. i walk across the 9th street bridge into downtown and immediately get totally lost. well, not lost, exactly, but displaced. and my heart is sinking. the downtown of this city is totally dead. it's worse than Dallas, I think. so after about 3 hours of wandering around, i finally end up in Oakland, on the East Side, where UP and Carnegie Mellon are.
after this, not much happens. i visit the Carnegie Museum, which is lovely, poop in the UP library, have lunch at a really greasy diner, rated #1 in the city, called Pamela's Restaurant, where i'm waited on by a charming young woman who reminds me strongly of a black version of Collier. i walk all over Squirrel Hill, which is the main residential neighborhood of Oakland (think Hyde Park with lots more hills and shops), where i pass a lovely bookstore's windows and get really excited, b/c i've been trying to find "Brokeback Mountain" by Annie Proulx and can't anywhere, then get supremely pissed off when i realize I'm drooling over a Barnes & Noble. i was so irrationally angry about it, you have no idea. but luckily, a block away, there's a new, modern library with totally glass front walls looking out onto the street. i decide to kill some time in the library, find the book "Brokeback Mountain" is in, read it, then want to die. how can a 40-page short story encompass 2 men's entire lives and be so fucking devastating?!? i'm now VERY excited to see the movie.
anyway, there's still lots i didn't get to today. but i did actually navigate the bus system and land myself back downtown, so i didn't have to walk the 87 miles back, about which i was very proud of myself. i went to the Andy Warhol museum, which i liked a lot. i've never been a big fan of his before, but i think i have a new appreciation for him now. i bought a magnet with a picture of a very yound and striking Dennis Hopper wearing a cowboy hat on it. it's from a painting Warhol did of him. i was back at my hotel by 8:30, where i could barely even stand up in the shower, my legs hurt so bad from walking, so i didn't. i showered sitting down.
tomorrow there are 2 more neigborhoods i want to explore, and i want to do the Incline. then i think i'll be done, and ready to go. which is good, b/c i have to leave the day after that.
Pittsburgh is lovely, but honestly, i'm not charmed by it like i thought i would be. it doesn't seem to have a whole lot of character; it just seems sort of plopped down amid these majestic, beautiful hills, and that's the only reason anyone pays any attention to it. Austin is much more charming, though the people here have been extraordinarily friendly and kind. i was even smiled at on the street 3 separate times today by total strangers. and all 3 of them were cute girls. it's really too bad i'm not straight sometimes.
trouble started in dallas. my 5:35 flight out didn't end up taking off until almost 8:00, b/c some part had to replaced in the cockpit. this is the second time i've flown with American Airlines and my flight has been messed up. V, can you do anything about this? so i get into Pittsburgh around midnight, and after a 25 minute, and $40 cab ride later, arrive at my hotel, not in the nicest part of town. it's not bad, but a block away are a bunch of empty, broken-windowed, Brownstone-type buildings that loom pretty large and black and sketchy at night. but it's fine. the hotel itself is beautiful. and creepy as hell. but beautiful. it's a huge, old, Victorian mansion, 3 floors, with mile-long hallways straight out of The Shining. it also appears to be totally empty except for me. and i'm on the 3rd floor, right in the middle of one of the gushing-blood, ghost-twin-infested hallways. if i see any little toddlers with bad bowl-cuts riding a tricycle down the hall, i'm so outta here. or if i see Jack Nicholson. that's just scary, regardless. the only sign i've seen so far of any other occupants was one woman in the dining room at breakfast this morning. i also noticed tonight when i was walking home that my hotel is right off of Lacock Street. i actually laughed out loud to myself in the dark, abandoned underpass i was walking through. and i tried to take a picture, but it was too dark. then i scurried away so i wouldn't get mugged and shot for the $20 in my wallet. perhaps tomorrow i'll get a picture.
i can't sleep to save my life, so i don't end up passing out until almost 4, and i have an 8:00 wake-up call, b/c they stop serving free breakfast at 9. and even the 4 hours i have are fitful, and fraught with disturbing dreams about the hotel itself. weird men in loincloths in the fetal position are scattered everywhere, and i'm stepping over them, and i vaguely understand it's some weird sexual thing, but i have no idea what, and i'm totally creeped out, then one of them grabs my ankle and laughs and i wake up, my heart racing. i also read Kafka on the entire plane ride up here, and found it totally engrossing, but appalling. i think that's what inspired the dream. so i have a hearty, complimentary breakfast, and set out to see Pittsburgh. i walk across the 9th street bridge into downtown and immediately get totally lost. well, not lost, exactly, but displaced. and my heart is sinking. the downtown of this city is totally dead. it's worse than Dallas, I think. so after about 3 hours of wandering around, i finally end up in Oakland, on the East Side, where UP and Carnegie Mellon are.
after this, not much happens. i visit the Carnegie Museum, which is lovely, poop in the UP library, have lunch at a really greasy diner, rated #1 in the city, called Pamela's Restaurant, where i'm waited on by a charming young woman who reminds me strongly of a black version of Collier. i walk all over Squirrel Hill, which is the main residential neighborhood of Oakland (think Hyde Park with lots more hills and shops), where i pass a lovely bookstore's windows and get really excited, b/c i've been trying to find "Brokeback Mountain" by Annie Proulx and can't anywhere, then get supremely pissed off when i realize I'm drooling over a Barnes & Noble. i was so irrationally angry about it, you have no idea. but luckily, a block away, there's a new, modern library with totally glass front walls looking out onto the street. i decide to kill some time in the library, find the book "Brokeback Mountain" is in, read it, then want to die. how can a 40-page short story encompass 2 men's entire lives and be so fucking devastating?!? i'm now VERY excited to see the movie.
anyway, there's still lots i didn't get to today. but i did actually navigate the bus system and land myself back downtown, so i didn't have to walk the 87 miles back, about which i was very proud of myself. i went to the Andy Warhol museum, which i liked a lot. i've never been a big fan of his before, but i think i have a new appreciation for him now. i bought a magnet with a picture of a very yound and striking Dennis Hopper wearing a cowboy hat on it. it's from a painting Warhol did of him. i was back at my hotel by 8:30, where i could barely even stand up in the shower, my legs hurt so bad from walking, so i didn't. i showered sitting down.
tomorrow there are 2 more neigborhoods i want to explore, and i want to do the Incline. then i think i'll be done, and ready to go. which is good, b/c i have to leave the day after that.
Pittsburgh is lovely, but honestly, i'm not charmed by it like i thought i would be. it doesn't seem to have a whole lot of character; it just seems sort of plopped down amid these majestic, beautiful hills, and that's the only reason anyone pays any attention to it. Austin is much more charming, though the people here have been extraordinarily friendly and kind. i was even smiled at on the street 3 separate times today by total strangers. and all 3 of them were cute girls. it's really too bad i'm not straight sometimes.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Proof
i'm watching Gwyneth Paltrow on Letterman. she seems very nice. i like her. they're playing a clip from her new film Proof. collier mentioned the other night that she saw the play a few years ago on Broadway, and didn't remember caring for it too much.
anyway, i have no idea why i'm writing about that. tomorrow i leave for Pittsburgh. i'm excited, but admittedly, a bit nervous. i tried calling Mitchell earlier this evening (the guy from Friendster), but the calls weren't going through, so i sent him an email. i hope i hear from him; i'm excited to meet him, but i guess even if i don't, it will more closely fulfill the mission of this trip, which is to be alone. i plan on using it to light a writing fire underneath me. i started a new journal tonight, separate from this blog, just for myself. i'm feeling a lot better these days; stronger, more able to stand on my own, and that i can really plan for my future as a wholely sole entity. i have some new, fun plans, things i've let lie dormant for years, that are again rearing their demanding heads. we'll see how it all goes. but i feel very hopeful. i guess i'm still very sad and regretful about a lot of things, but that's life. the sooner you realize that most things just probably aren't going to go your way (or at the very least, as you planned them), i think the easier it is to just let go, and let life do with you what it will. which is not to say you can't plan for your future, or manipulate the outcome, but invariably things are going to get skewed and go in unplanned directions. which is the way it should be, i suppose. how boring would life be if everything went exactly as we anticipated and there were no surprises? pretty boring, i would presume.
all right. hopefully i'll get some time to put up a couple of posts while i'm gone, but if i don't, i guess that's also good, because it means i'm having fun, or at least keeping myself occupied.
oh, and i found out yesterday that Pittsburgh does, in fact, have an H&M, about which i am so excited, words can't even do it justice.
anyway, i have no idea why i'm writing about that. tomorrow i leave for Pittsburgh. i'm excited, but admittedly, a bit nervous. i tried calling Mitchell earlier this evening (the guy from Friendster), but the calls weren't going through, so i sent him an email. i hope i hear from him; i'm excited to meet him, but i guess even if i don't, it will more closely fulfill the mission of this trip, which is to be alone. i plan on using it to light a writing fire underneath me. i started a new journal tonight, separate from this blog, just for myself. i'm feeling a lot better these days; stronger, more able to stand on my own, and that i can really plan for my future as a wholely sole entity. i have some new, fun plans, things i've let lie dormant for years, that are again rearing their demanding heads. we'll see how it all goes. but i feel very hopeful. i guess i'm still very sad and regretful about a lot of things, but that's life. the sooner you realize that most things just probably aren't going to go your way (or at the very least, as you planned them), i think the easier it is to just let go, and let life do with you what it will. which is not to say you can't plan for your future, or manipulate the outcome, but invariably things are going to get skewed and go in unplanned directions. which is the way it should be, i suppose. how boring would life be if everything went exactly as we anticipated and there were no surprises? pretty boring, i would presume.
all right. hopefully i'll get some time to put up a couple of posts while i'm gone, but if i don't, i guess that's also good, because it means i'm having fun, or at least keeping myself occupied.
oh, and i found out yesterday that Pittsburgh does, in fact, have an H&M, about which i am so excited, words can't even do it justice.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
i was happy to hear you remembered the view
as previously stated, friday night was insane. it all feels like a giant blur, but involves calling mark on his cell phone (twice) demanding to know why he wasn't doing with his life what he really wants to be doing, making meredith cry (in a good way), pissing in an alley, and passing along "helpful" information to one collier about her "ex," which i relayed again on saturday, and had absolutely no recollection of telling her on friday. it's the first time, honestly, that i can remember being so drunk that i didn't remember a lot about the night before, and was vaguley cathartic, even though it resulted in waking up at 7:00 on saturday morning, still drunk, and having the kinds of cramps that left me writhing naked on my bathroom floor, my intestines feeling like they were being twisted in some kind of medieval torture device. still don't know what that was all about.....
i caught 2 movies on saturday (9 Songs, which i loved, and broke my heart, and Broken Flowers, which i liked a lot, but left me wanting a bit more) with collier and karen, after which we went back to my house and each took a Xanax with a glass of red wine. i remember nothing after that, except waking up about 10 hours later in my bed, collier curled up next to me, and karen passed out on the couch. but we all agreed it was a much-needed respite from the collective agony going on in our heads.
sunday was Krouse Springs, lovely as usual, but the day being overcast like it was, made it much less fun than it could have been. Elysium sunday night, which was great until i ran into some of Joe's friends outside, with whom i did the perfunctory, "how are you?" "fine, thanks," blah blah blah. the topic of joe was conspicously avoided, and it ruined my whole night.
BBQ at the house yesterday. i was really looking forward to it, and delighted that so many of my nearest and dearest showed up, but for one of the first times in my life, the crowd was a bit overwhelming to me. i kept finding excuses to go inside and do dishes, or prepare a root beer float for someone, or go to the bathroom. it's not that i didn't want to talk to anyone, it just made me feel overtly anxious and unsettled. it was sad, actually, as i've always taken so much comfort in socializing, and just being surrounded by people that i love, even if nothing particularly interesting was going on. but all i really wanted was to be alone, and i can't quite explain what it was, exactly, that was happening to me. so many things are changing, and i have so many conflicting feelings about everything that's not only going on in my life, but in the lives by which i'm surrounded, and sometimes it just feels like it's all too much, and my head is going to explode, or i need to stand outside and scream or something. i think some of it has to do with the ways in which certain people that i've known and been close to for years, are subtly, but noticeably, shifting in weird ways, and slowly becoming somewhat unrecognizable to me. i know it's very common for people in romantic relationships to each grow in opposite directions, and even "outgrow" their need for each other, but this isn't supposed to happen with friends. maybe i'm overanalyzing it all, or just scared of the future in general and what it holds for me, but i feel at times that it takes so much more effort than it used to to feel close to certain people. it's no one's fault, and it's not necessarily a bad thing, just the nature of humanity, but it's terrifying, and i hope i'm only imagining it.
i know this is all very uneloguent and boring, but i just can't seem to come up with the correct words, or anything horribly profound to say about any of it. i feel like i'm in a fog still this morning, and just floating along, tuning out everything around me. i don't think my body has yet recovered from the abuse i put it through this weekend, maybe. i don't know. anyway, i'm really looking forward to going to Pittsburgh this weekend and getting the fuck out of town for 3 days.
i also watched the season finale of season 4 of Six Feet Under and cried my eyes out. god damn, i love that show.
i caught 2 movies on saturday (9 Songs, which i loved, and broke my heart, and Broken Flowers, which i liked a lot, but left me wanting a bit more) with collier and karen, after which we went back to my house and each took a Xanax with a glass of red wine. i remember nothing after that, except waking up about 10 hours later in my bed, collier curled up next to me, and karen passed out on the couch. but we all agreed it was a much-needed respite from the collective agony going on in our heads.
sunday was Krouse Springs, lovely as usual, but the day being overcast like it was, made it much less fun than it could have been. Elysium sunday night, which was great until i ran into some of Joe's friends outside, with whom i did the perfunctory, "how are you?" "fine, thanks," blah blah blah. the topic of joe was conspicously avoided, and it ruined my whole night.
BBQ at the house yesterday. i was really looking forward to it, and delighted that so many of my nearest and dearest showed up, but for one of the first times in my life, the crowd was a bit overwhelming to me. i kept finding excuses to go inside and do dishes, or prepare a root beer float for someone, or go to the bathroom. it's not that i didn't want to talk to anyone, it just made me feel overtly anxious and unsettled. it was sad, actually, as i've always taken so much comfort in socializing, and just being surrounded by people that i love, even if nothing particularly interesting was going on. but all i really wanted was to be alone, and i can't quite explain what it was, exactly, that was happening to me. so many things are changing, and i have so many conflicting feelings about everything that's not only going on in my life, but in the lives by which i'm surrounded, and sometimes it just feels like it's all too much, and my head is going to explode, or i need to stand outside and scream or something. i think some of it has to do with the ways in which certain people that i've known and been close to for years, are subtly, but noticeably, shifting in weird ways, and slowly becoming somewhat unrecognizable to me. i know it's very common for people in romantic relationships to each grow in opposite directions, and even "outgrow" their need for each other, but this isn't supposed to happen with friends. maybe i'm overanalyzing it all, or just scared of the future in general and what it holds for me, but i feel at times that it takes so much more effort than it used to to feel close to certain people. it's no one's fault, and it's not necessarily a bad thing, just the nature of humanity, but it's terrifying, and i hope i'm only imagining it.
i know this is all very uneloguent and boring, but i just can't seem to come up with the correct words, or anything horribly profound to say about any of it. i feel like i'm in a fog still this morning, and just floating along, tuning out everything around me. i don't think my body has yet recovered from the abuse i put it through this weekend, maybe. i don't know. anyway, i'm really looking forward to going to Pittsburgh this weekend and getting the fuck out of town for 3 days.
i also watched the season finale of season 4 of Six Feet Under and cried my eyes out. god damn, i love that show.
Saturday, September 03, 2005
oh, Danny Boy
if you're ever me, never, ever, ever drink 3 whiskeys right in a row at club DeVille.
seriously.
seriously.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Loss
admittedly, i've always been a little bit obsessed with natural disasters and extreme weather. when i was a kid, i would read all kinds of books and watch all kinds of TV specials about tornadoes and earthquakes, always completely riveted by the drama unfolding, and the humbling power of nature over man. no matter how sophisticated we get technologically, it's still no match for the destructive power of Mother Nature.
when Katrina first started blowing in, i was pretty excited, i have to say. i kept my ear to the radio and my eyes on the TV, watching literally hours of footage. i watched live as the storm was passing over New Orleans and the roof was being ripped of the Super Bowl, with thousands of people inside. my heart raced like I was watching the latest Michael Bay or Jerry Bruckheimer thriller, only this was real, and unfolding immediately before me, no one sure of what the outcome would be.
for a day or so, it seemed the disaster wouldn't be so bad, and then the levees in New Orleans broke, it came to light that Biloxi, and Mobile, and multiple smaller towns were completely wiped out, leaving hundreds and thousands of people homeless, displaced and with nothing.
now, watching the apocalyptic level of choas, violence and misery that is unfolding in New Orleans is beyond terrifying. it's a level of horror on par with some of the most cynical science fiction, and it's all real. my feeling of fascination and excitement has been replaced with dread and overwhelming sadness. i cried a little this morning watching Good Morning America as reports of looting, violence and rape were carried over the wires. helicopters rescuing people from the diseased and oil-soaked water were being shot at, as were officers trying to help people. people have been savagely murdered and the suffering there is completely unfathomable. it's heartbreaking. there's no other more eloquent or poetic way to put it.
my friend megan, with whom i've been friends since high school, only this past summer moved from Biloxi to Memphis for a new job. i've been thinking about her non-stop this week, and how thankful I am that she is no longer there. but mandy told me this morning that megan hasn't heard from any of her friends or colleagues there, and she's terrified that they all stayed at the news station (megan is a news producer) to cover the storm. that hadn't occurred to me. but i'm really thinking about you megan, and praying that everyone's okay.
i've been thinking so much about loss lately. it seems that several people in my life have suffered an extraordinary amount of it this summer, from the breakup of relationships, to the deaths of friends, sometimes multiple ones in a short span of time. it's incredible to me how people just keep moving on, and no matter what happens or who you are, tragedy is always going to touch your life, and there's absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. the people i know and love are all so strong and so inspiring, and hearing what some of them are dealing with right now makes me feel almost ashamed at my little heartbreaks. i have been incredibly blessed and i'm so grateful for all of it.
when Katrina first started blowing in, i was pretty excited, i have to say. i kept my ear to the radio and my eyes on the TV, watching literally hours of footage. i watched live as the storm was passing over New Orleans and the roof was being ripped of the Super Bowl, with thousands of people inside. my heart raced like I was watching the latest Michael Bay or Jerry Bruckheimer thriller, only this was real, and unfolding immediately before me, no one sure of what the outcome would be.
for a day or so, it seemed the disaster wouldn't be so bad, and then the levees in New Orleans broke, it came to light that Biloxi, and Mobile, and multiple smaller towns were completely wiped out, leaving hundreds and thousands of people homeless, displaced and with nothing.
now, watching the apocalyptic level of choas, violence and misery that is unfolding in New Orleans is beyond terrifying. it's a level of horror on par with some of the most cynical science fiction, and it's all real. my feeling of fascination and excitement has been replaced with dread and overwhelming sadness. i cried a little this morning watching Good Morning America as reports of looting, violence and rape were carried over the wires. helicopters rescuing people from the diseased and oil-soaked water were being shot at, as were officers trying to help people. people have been savagely murdered and the suffering there is completely unfathomable. it's heartbreaking. there's no other more eloquent or poetic way to put it.
my friend megan, with whom i've been friends since high school, only this past summer moved from Biloxi to Memphis for a new job. i've been thinking about her non-stop this week, and how thankful I am that she is no longer there. but mandy told me this morning that megan hasn't heard from any of her friends or colleagues there, and she's terrified that they all stayed at the news station (megan is a news producer) to cover the storm. that hadn't occurred to me. but i'm really thinking about you megan, and praying that everyone's okay.
i've been thinking so much about loss lately. it seems that several people in my life have suffered an extraordinary amount of it this summer, from the breakup of relationships, to the deaths of friends, sometimes multiple ones in a short span of time. it's incredible to me how people just keep moving on, and no matter what happens or who you are, tragedy is always going to touch your life, and there's absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. the people i know and love are all so strong and so inspiring, and hearing what some of them are dealing with right now makes me feel almost ashamed at my little heartbreaks. i have been incredibly blessed and i'm so grateful for all of it.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Saturday, August 27, 2005
'round here
and lest any of you 3 loyal readers think i am actually as pathetic as that last entry implies, i'll have you know that i did leave my house tonight. karen and dan and i went down to Barton Springs, since it's free between 9 and 10 every night. and there seemed to be an unusual amount of absurdly hot men swimming in their underpants and changing clothes on the lawn. god, i love this city. i guess hippies are sometimes good for some things, and making austin into one of the most laid-back, liberal, amazing cities in america is one of their greatest accomplishments. Barton Springs also has lovely open-air locker rooms. i took a shower in front of dan. it made me feel a little funny, but we've been skinny-dipping together, so it wasn't that big a deal, i guess. and he was naked too. though he wasn't showering.
okay, seriously, i'm going to stop now.
okay, seriously, i'm going to stop now.
i could be the vice president!
as it happens, i've found myself perusing the Craigslist ads for "Men Seeking Men" these days, being newly single and all. i can say that in the last 3 months of Singledom, i've only ever hooked up with 1 guy on there. or maybe 2. or maybe 87, i forget. but whatever the number, i actually find myself more fascinated, usually, than actually searching for sex. i will find it forever interesting what turns people on, or what they're looking for, and will occasionally find one that turns me on particularly, or that has a hot picture attached (aka, real-life porn, which is so much more interesting than the manufactured bullshit). and aside from that, trying to recover from a relationship that had really good sex that came from a place of true passion and love, casual sex just no longer has the allure that it once did.
tonight, however, i came across one that especially struck me, as the headline was "i don't think i'll be looking for any HOT COCK TO SUCK TONIGHT." did the person mis-type? what was going on here? i read the ad, and it was basically along the lines of deriding men for just always being on the prowl for casual sex. he said he would like to maybe have a couple of beers first, maybe go on a couple of dates, see a movie, before the HOT COCK-SUCKING began. and then went on to talk about his fondness for breakfast tacos, Dave Foster Wallace, and that he was composed of billions of molecules (was this my ex-boyfriend? no, he isn't, actually, as he was a 24-year-old grad student, neither of which my ex-boyfriend is).
i found him to be cute and kind of clever, and maybe or maybe not hot, so i decided to respond to his ad, by basically saying that in my extensive research, i've come to the conclusion that Curra's has the best breakfast tacos, and that i never finished "Infinite Jest," though i came within 200 pages of finishing it.
i sent the email, not expecting him to respond, and not really wanting him to, either. i was just being flirty. he still hasn't responded. but the point of the story is that when describing my favorite breakfast taco at Curra's, i said i liked mine with bacon, eggs and potatoe. it wasn't until after i sent the email that i realized i put an "e" on the end of potato.
naturally, i was mortified, and even worse than this guy thinking i was cruising Craigslist looking for sleazy hookups (which i was), i couldn't stand the thought of him thinking i couldn't spell. i deliberated for over an hour about whether or not to correct my mistake, which i eventually did, by sending him a second email with the subject line of "oh god...." and the body of the email explaining that i was aware that i accidentally put an "e" on the end of potato.
so now, in addition to this person thinking i'm some sleazy psycho-slut, he thinks i was sitting around waiting on him to email him back, and that i'm probably already stalking him, and that i clearly read my original outgoing email at least a second time. which i only do when the email is really important, like when i'm drunk and emailing my ex-boyfriend a novel-size email detailing all of his faults and why the demise of our relationship was all his fault, or totally inappropriately declaring my love for someone completely inappropriate for me to be in love with in the first place. which could also be my ex-boyfriend, but in this particular case, was not. long story.
so now i'm also totally pathetically lonely. okay, i'm going to go watch more "Six Feet Under" now.
tonight, however, i came across one that especially struck me, as the headline was "i don't think i'll be looking for any HOT COCK TO SUCK TONIGHT." did the person mis-type? what was going on here? i read the ad, and it was basically along the lines of deriding men for just always being on the prowl for casual sex. he said he would like to maybe have a couple of beers first, maybe go on a couple of dates, see a movie, before the HOT COCK-SUCKING began. and then went on to talk about his fondness for breakfast tacos, Dave Foster Wallace, and that he was composed of billions of molecules (was this my ex-boyfriend? no, he isn't, actually, as he was a 24-year-old grad student, neither of which my ex-boyfriend is).
i found him to be cute and kind of clever, and maybe or maybe not hot, so i decided to respond to his ad, by basically saying that in my extensive research, i've come to the conclusion that Curra's has the best breakfast tacos, and that i never finished "Infinite Jest," though i came within 200 pages of finishing it.
i sent the email, not expecting him to respond, and not really wanting him to, either. i was just being flirty. he still hasn't responded. but the point of the story is that when describing my favorite breakfast taco at Curra's, i said i liked mine with bacon, eggs and potatoe. it wasn't until after i sent the email that i realized i put an "e" on the end of potato.
naturally, i was mortified, and even worse than this guy thinking i was cruising Craigslist looking for sleazy hookups (which i was), i couldn't stand the thought of him thinking i couldn't spell. i deliberated for over an hour about whether or not to correct my mistake, which i eventually did, by sending him a second email with the subject line of "oh god...." and the body of the email explaining that i was aware that i accidentally put an "e" on the end of potato.
so now, in addition to this person thinking i'm some sleazy psycho-slut, he thinks i was sitting around waiting on him to email him back, and that i'm probably already stalking him, and that i clearly read my original outgoing email at least a second time. which i only do when the email is really important, like when i'm drunk and emailing my ex-boyfriend a novel-size email detailing all of his faults and why the demise of our relationship was all his fault, or totally inappropriately declaring my love for someone completely inappropriate for me to be in love with in the first place. which could also be my ex-boyfriend, but in this particular case, was not. long story.
so now i'm also totally pathetically lonely. okay, i'm going to go watch more "Six Feet Under" now.
Friday, August 26, 2005
mark of the beast
mark was berating me yesterday for not updating my blog enough, and it stirred up this weird conundrum inside me. it's interesting, b/c i originally started this blog to be totally private, just for a place for me to basically keep a journal of myself, and what was going on in my life, for myself more than anyone else. but now that several people know about it and apparently read it on a fairly consistent basis (and, as i discovered yesterday, i now have a new reader: hey Megan!!! it's good to hear from you!), i find myself censoring it more than i ever wanted to.
there are lots of things i feel i could write about, but that it would be boring, or somewhat disrespectful, like how i got really upset with my mom this week for something she did that i felt really jilted by, and was made to feel guilty about, and for which i feel i shouldn't have (felt guilty). but i don't really feel very comfortable writing about it, b/c i don't really think it's anyone's business to know. or i might just sound whiny writing about. if i put out there everything that's going on in my head, i would sound like the most ungrateful, whiny, neurotic wretch on earth, even though i don't think i am. everybody's life has static and upheaval and pain, but i don't necessarily think it should all be broadcast for the whole world (or, like, 5 people) to know everything about. it's a weird feeling. and one that kind of makes me regret ever having told anyone that i do this. but as good as i am (most of the time) at keeping other people's secrets, i'm horrible at keeping my own. and aside from that, there's not that much that's interesting going on in my life right now. i've been watching season 2 of "the OC," which i'm actually finding incredibly boring and tedious. but i want to get through it so i can start watching season 4 of "Six Feet Under," which also came out on DVD this week. this is what my life has become these days: scheduling proper viewing orders of TV shows that i'm catching up on on DVD. compelling stuff, for sure. and, you know, a lot of xanax and beer and cigarettes. more than is really acceptable, of all 3, actually. but there you have it.
there are lots of things i feel i could write about, but that it would be boring, or somewhat disrespectful, like how i got really upset with my mom this week for something she did that i felt really jilted by, and was made to feel guilty about, and for which i feel i shouldn't have (felt guilty). but i don't really feel very comfortable writing about it, b/c i don't really think it's anyone's business to know. or i might just sound whiny writing about. if i put out there everything that's going on in my head, i would sound like the most ungrateful, whiny, neurotic wretch on earth, even though i don't think i am. everybody's life has static and upheaval and pain, but i don't necessarily think it should all be broadcast for the whole world (or, like, 5 people) to know everything about. it's a weird feeling. and one that kind of makes me regret ever having told anyone that i do this. but as good as i am (most of the time) at keeping other people's secrets, i'm horrible at keeping my own. and aside from that, there's not that much that's interesting going on in my life right now. i've been watching season 2 of "the OC," which i'm actually finding incredibly boring and tedious. but i want to get through it so i can start watching season 4 of "Six Feet Under," which also came out on DVD this week. this is what my life has become these days: scheduling proper viewing orders of TV shows that i'm catching up on on DVD. compelling stuff, for sure. and, you know, a lot of xanax and beer and cigarettes. more than is really acceptable, of all 3, actually. but there you have it.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
The Wonders of Pittsburgh Boys
so, it's officially official. i'm going to Pittsburgh, Steel Town, USA. i'm very excited. i got my plane tickets yesterday, and reserved a room at The Priory this morning. i got a very good rate on a tiny old monk cell with a twin bed. i haven't slept on a twin bed in years, but to stay in this place for $79 a night, right downtown, is a steal, for sure. and i actually really like the idea of it being very small and compact. it makes me feel weirdly safer. especially in a big, strange city.
so, i have plans for things i'd like to do. mostly i plan to just walk around and explore, but i have to go to The Mattress Factory of course, and perhaps the The Andy Warhol Museum, even though i'm not particularly a warhol fan. i just think i should see it. and of course do the Duquesne Incline.
but mostly i want to just walk around, get a feel for the place, experience a real autumn, which i haven't in a while. that will be really nice. i believe in mid-september the weather there is typically in the low 70's during the day. which is profoundly perfect.
i also found this guy on Friendster who has agreed to meet up with me, show me around a bit. he seems pretty cool, like some kind of communal hippy of some sort, but i figure someone like that would probably know the most interesting places to go, or things to do. and he looks kinda hot. :)
i know the main intention of this trip was to be alone, and i plan to. i want to spend the majority of my days alone, with no one else's itinerary, or agenda, or pressure. i want to be able to take as long as i want sitting at an outdoor cafe, drinking coffee and having a cigarette. or if i just want to sit in a park and people-watch, or write, or whatever, for 3 hours straight, i'll do it. this trip is all about me. but having said that, it would be nice to have dinner with someone, or maybe go out to a bar one night with someone, experience some night life. i don't know. i'm trying to go there with no agenda myself, either, and just see where each day leads me. it's exciting. i got a really strong rush of both adrenaline and anxiety yesterday when i actually purchased my plane tickets. it was really real, and i was doing it. go me. some people might be wondering why it's such a big deal to me, and i can't even explain it exactly, except to say that i have a really really hard time being alone. period. ever. it's something i'm addressing in therapy; what makes me so uncomfortable just being in my own skin. and i have no idea. but i think doing this, and facing one of my biggest fears (traveling and being a big city alone) is a really big step and it makes me feel really good to be doing it. plus it's something very exciting to look forward to. which i need.
so, i have plans for things i'd like to do. mostly i plan to just walk around and explore, but i have to go to The Mattress Factory of course, and perhaps the The Andy Warhol Museum, even though i'm not particularly a warhol fan. i just think i should see it. and of course do the Duquesne Incline.
but mostly i want to just walk around, get a feel for the place, experience a real autumn, which i haven't in a while. that will be really nice. i believe in mid-september the weather there is typically in the low 70's during the day. which is profoundly perfect.
i also found this guy on Friendster who has agreed to meet up with me, show me around a bit. he seems pretty cool, like some kind of communal hippy of some sort, but i figure someone like that would probably know the most interesting places to go, or things to do. and he looks kinda hot. :)
i know the main intention of this trip was to be alone, and i plan to. i want to spend the majority of my days alone, with no one else's itinerary, or agenda, or pressure. i want to be able to take as long as i want sitting at an outdoor cafe, drinking coffee and having a cigarette. or if i just want to sit in a park and people-watch, or write, or whatever, for 3 hours straight, i'll do it. this trip is all about me. but having said that, it would be nice to have dinner with someone, or maybe go out to a bar one night with someone, experience some night life. i don't know. i'm trying to go there with no agenda myself, either, and just see where each day leads me. it's exciting. i got a really strong rush of both adrenaline and anxiety yesterday when i actually purchased my plane tickets. it was really real, and i was doing it. go me. some people might be wondering why it's such a big deal to me, and i can't even explain it exactly, except to say that i have a really really hard time being alone. period. ever. it's something i'm addressing in therapy; what makes me so uncomfortable just being in my own skin. and i have no idea. but i think doing this, and facing one of my biggest fears (traveling and being a big city alone) is a really big step and it makes me feel really good to be doing it. plus it's something very exciting to look forward to. which i need.
Monday, August 22, 2005
this is your life, there are no second chances
i've decided that what i really need right now is a vacation. the idea of traveling alone has always terrified me to no end. i've always been so afraid of getting myself in some kind of bad situation with no one to bail me out, or just getting really lonely or bored, or simply becoming horribly lost in a strange and unfamiliar city. but the conclusion that i came to this morning is that i think nothing would be better for me right now than going someplace entirely unfamiliar, and potentially frightening, and getting totally and completely lost, and having to rely on no one but myself to figure it all out (and maybe the kindness of strangers). call it a test of my will, or just finally doing something i've wanted to do for years but have been putting off because i was waiting for the right time.
so, i'm doing it: i'm taking the plunge, and i'm planning a vacation to take by myself in 3 weeks to Pittsburgh. ever since becoming aware of Michael Chabon, the city of Pittsburgh has always had a really captivating appeal to me, and i've dreamed since then of visiting and exploring it with a lover, but since i'm all out of those at the moment, i'm just going to go it alone. and, ironically, joe just got back from there on a work trip and sent me an email telling me how much i would love it. so fuck it, i'm going. and i'm going alone. for 3 days. and i'm going to have a really good time eating alone, walking around alone, going to museums alone, jogging in the park alone, and doing whatever else alone. i'm actually really excited about it.
this is a pretty bold new step for me. i can barely even go anywhere in austin alone. but it seems very valuable and important for me to do something like this and just go for it.
so, i'm doing it: i'm taking the plunge, and i'm planning a vacation to take by myself in 3 weeks to Pittsburgh. ever since becoming aware of Michael Chabon, the city of Pittsburgh has always had a really captivating appeal to me, and i've dreamed since then of visiting and exploring it with a lover, but since i'm all out of those at the moment, i'm just going to go it alone. and, ironically, joe just got back from there on a work trip and sent me an email telling me how much i would love it. so fuck it, i'm going. and i'm going alone. for 3 days. and i'm going to have a really good time eating alone, walking around alone, going to museums alone, jogging in the park alone, and doing whatever else alone. i'm actually really excited about it.
this is a pretty bold new step for me. i can barely even go anywhere in austin alone. but it seems very valuable and important for me to do something like this and just go for it.
Monday, August 15, 2005
trouble loves me
i just had the craziest dream about pancakes, and now i'm craving some so bad i would kill my cat if somebody would come over and make some for me. not really, but i want some really really really really bad.
it's almost 8:00pm, and i have yet to put pants on today. it's been a pants-free day. and it's been good. i've also taken 3 extra-strength Vicodin.
for reasons that will heretofore go unmentioned, i hate hillary duff. i just decided. and how much fucking heroin is she on?
before it gets too far away, i want to send a massive THANK YOU to kurt, bryan, chris, and joe for really coming through for me this weekend when it really counted. you guys are Gold, and i thank each one of you from the bottom of my black, dead heart.
it's almost 8:00pm, and i have yet to put pants on today. it's been a pants-free day. and it's been good. i've also taken 3 extra-strength Vicodin.
for reasons that will heretofore go unmentioned, i hate hillary duff. i just decided. and how much fucking heroin is she on?
before it gets too far away, i want to send a massive THANK YOU to kurt, bryan, chris, and joe for really coming through for me this weekend when it really counted. you guys are Gold, and i thank each one of you from the bottom of my black, dead heart.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
black-eyed
so, my septoplasty is tomorrow (my deviated septum surgery), and i'm so nervous, i'm literally trembling right now, and having trouble typing. i started doing some research on the internet earlier, about recovery and whatnot, and maybe that wasn't such a good idea.
it seems most people are fine, and up and back around within 2 or 3 days, but other people have horrible reactions to it, including vomiting up copious amounts of blood (apparently, you swallow more than a pint of it during the actual procedure!), deeply bruised black eyes that can last for a week or more, and lots and lots of dried up crusty boogers around your nose that keep appearing for about 2 weeks. i'm supposed to have some company to watch over me this weekend, and i'm starting to reconsider. i found several pictures, too, of some woman who went through it and had it all documented, and it wasn't pretty. i guess i just can't be beautiful all the time.
however, judging by what i've been learning in therapy, about letting people see the "ugly, messy" side of myself, maybe that's a good thing. being ugly on the outside as a metaphor for being emotionally vulnerable or something. anyway, it's totally freaking me out, and i'm sure i'll be fine, but me being who i am, i of course keep imagining all the most worst case scenarios playing out, including having the surgery not really take, or having my septum collapse again, and having to have it done a second time, which isn't unheard of. even my surgeon warned me that was a possibility.
but i know it's necessary, and i'll be so happy that i had it done, once i'm over everything. even if it means i can't show my face in public for 3 weeks, and i lose my job b/c i just don't go back b/c i feel so ugly and gross.
oh lord. i'm scared. but i'm sure i'll be fine. i just hope i don't projectile-spray blood and mucous all over kurt's car on the way home!
it seems most people are fine, and up and back around within 2 or 3 days, but other people have horrible reactions to it, including vomiting up copious amounts of blood (apparently, you swallow more than a pint of it during the actual procedure!), deeply bruised black eyes that can last for a week or more, and lots and lots of dried up crusty boogers around your nose that keep appearing for about 2 weeks. i'm supposed to have some company to watch over me this weekend, and i'm starting to reconsider. i found several pictures, too, of some woman who went through it and had it all documented, and it wasn't pretty. i guess i just can't be beautiful all the time.
however, judging by what i've been learning in therapy, about letting people see the "ugly, messy" side of myself, maybe that's a good thing. being ugly on the outside as a metaphor for being emotionally vulnerable or something. anyway, it's totally freaking me out, and i'm sure i'll be fine, but me being who i am, i of course keep imagining all the most worst case scenarios playing out, including having the surgery not really take, or having my septum collapse again, and having to have it done a second time, which isn't unheard of. even my surgeon warned me that was a possibility.
but i know it's necessary, and i'll be so happy that i had it done, once i'm over everything. even if it means i can't show my face in public for 3 weeks, and i lose my job b/c i just don't go back b/c i feel so ugly and gross.
oh lord. i'm scared. but i'm sure i'll be fine. i just hope i don't projectile-spray blood and mucous all over kurt's car on the way home!
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
a field guide to getting lost
an excerpt from a collection of essays i'm currently reading by Rebecca Solnit:
...a relationship is a story you construct together and take up residence in, a story as sheltering as a house. You invent this story of how your destinies were made to entwine like porch vines, you adjust to a big view in this direction and no view in that, the doorway that you have to duck through and the window that is jammed, how who you think you are becomes a factor of who you think he is and who he thinks you are, a castle in the clouds made out of moist air exhaled by dreamers. It's a shock to find yourself outdoors and alone again, hard to imagine that you could ever live in another house, big where this one was small, small where it was big, hard when your body has learned all the twists and turns of the staircase so that you could walk it in your sleep, hard when you have built it from scratch and called it home, hard to imagine building again. But you lit the fire that burned it down yourself.
A happy love is a single story, a disintegrating one is two or more competing, conflicting versions, and a disintegrated one lies at your feet like a shattered mirror, each shard reflecting a different story, that it was wonderful, that it was terrible, if only this had, if only that hadn't. The stories don't fit back together, and it's the end of stories, those devices we carry like shells and shields and blinkers and occasionally maps and compasses. The people close to you become mirrors and journals in which you record your history, the instruments that help you know yourself, and you do the same for them. When they vanish, so does the use, the appreciation, the understanding of those small antecdotes, catchphrases, jokes: they become a book slammed shut or burnt.
...a relationship is a story you construct together and take up residence in, a story as sheltering as a house. You invent this story of how your destinies were made to entwine like porch vines, you adjust to a big view in this direction and no view in that, the doorway that you have to duck through and the window that is jammed, how who you think you are becomes a factor of who you think he is and who he thinks you are, a castle in the clouds made out of moist air exhaled by dreamers. It's a shock to find yourself outdoors and alone again, hard to imagine that you could ever live in another house, big where this one was small, small where it was big, hard when your body has learned all the twists and turns of the staircase so that you could walk it in your sleep, hard when you have built it from scratch and called it home, hard to imagine building again. But you lit the fire that burned it down yourself.
A happy love is a single story, a disintegrating one is two or more competing, conflicting versions, and a disintegrated one lies at your feet like a shattered mirror, each shard reflecting a different story, that it was wonderful, that it was terrible, if only this had, if only that hadn't. The stories don't fit back together, and it's the end of stories, those devices we carry like shells and shields and blinkers and occasionally maps and compasses. The people close to you become mirrors and journals in which you record your history, the instruments that help you know yourself, and you do the same for them. When they vanish, so does the use, the appreciation, the understanding of those small antecdotes, catchphrases, jokes: they become a book slammed shut or burnt.
Monday, August 08, 2005
i'm happy if you're happy, but it broke our heart
i had a very surreal experience on saturday, and that was meeting my ex-boyfriend's son. he's about 21 months old, and after nearly 3 years of silence, T. and i have started talking again recently, and it's been really really pleasant and nice. difficult, in a lot of ways, b/c i feel like i'm hanging out with a complete stranger sometimes, which, i guess in some ways, i am.
but seeing T. with his son made me really happy, actually. and kind of sad, but in a wistful, nostalgic way. i explained it to a friend earlier by saying that while it's good to see T. so happy and obviously very fulfilled, since the whole time we were together he was so unhappy and lost, it also makes me sad b/c that person that i really knew and loved is more or less dead and gone. which isn't a bad thing, just....sad. but only because of the loss of the familiar. i know that no matter how close he and i might ever get again, i'll never be able to know him the same way, or nearly as intimately, again. which is fine, i'm not yearning for that, it's just weird.
but overall, i had a really great weekend. lots of swimming at Barton Springs and McKinney Falls, a totally racuous and joyous birthday party, where everyone got way too drunk and rowdy. we were knocking over each other's chairs, wrestling in the lawn of the frou-frou bar where we were hanging out, singing Magnetic Fields songs at the top of our lungs. it was lively and boisterous, and possibly one of the most fun birthday parties i've ever attended. everyone was just so fucking happy. no drama, no one was in a bad mood. just there to celebrate. i really needed it. i had breakfast with joe on sunday, which was alternately wonderful and extremely difficult. and my friends kurt and meredith, of course, got engaged. congratulations, guys!!
but seeing T. with his son made me really happy, actually. and kind of sad, but in a wistful, nostalgic way. i explained it to a friend earlier by saying that while it's good to see T. so happy and obviously very fulfilled, since the whole time we were together he was so unhappy and lost, it also makes me sad b/c that person that i really knew and loved is more or less dead and gone. which isn't a bad thing, just....sad. but only because of the loss of the familiar. i know that no matter how close he and i might ever get again, i'll never be able to know him the same way, or nearly as intimately, again. which is fine, i'm not yearning for that, it's just weird.
but overall, i had a really great weekend. lots of swimming at Barton Springs and McKinney Falls, a totally racuous and joyous birthday party, where everyone got way too drunk and rowdy. we were knocking over each other's chairs, wrestling in the lawn of the frou-frou bar where we were hanging out, singing Magnetic Fields songs at the top of our lungs. it was lively and boisterous, and possibly one of the most fun birthday parties i've ever attended. everyone was just so fucking happy. no drama, no one was in a bad mood. just there to celebrate. i really needed it. i had breakfast with joe on sunday, which was alternately wonderful and extremely difficult. and my friends kurt and meredith, of course, got engaged. congratulations, guys!!
Thursday, August 04, 2005
lord, i hope this day is good
yesterday was a really tough day, but i think i made some good breakthroughs. i went to my pre-op for the surgery i was supposed to have tomorrow, and i was told i'm going to have to push it back a week due to the fact that i started taking st. johns wort a week ago, and you can't have anything like that in your system, b/c apparently it fucks up your blood pressure.
it's not a big deal to push it back a week, but i was so mentally prepared to finally get all of this over with in 2 days, and it was a really big letdown. it was all i could do to keep from breaking out into convulsing sobs sitting in the nurse's office. having people carve up the inside of your skull is really nerve-wracking, and i've been psyching myself up for this for years, essentially. i know it's going to be so worth it when it's all said and done, but it's really scary.
secondly, i called my mom on tuesday night and just cried and cried to her. it felt so great. i haven't cried to my mom or really just been totally emotionally honest with her about anything since i was a teenager. it felt really good. she's suffered so much the last decade or so, and i've never wanted to burden her all these years, but finally i was just like, "fuck it, she's my mom, that's her job." she's supposed to protect me, not the other way around. it made me feel a lot better, and i feel like maybe some fences between the 2 of us that have been up for years are finally starting to sag a little bit.
i had another horrible anxiety attack at work yesterday, too, after returning from my pre-op appointment. i went into the bathroom and just couldn't stop crying, and eventually just had to go home. my friend here at work went outside with me and we had a really good talk, and again, i was able to really let myself go and cry in front of her, and then mark came back from lunch and sat with us for a bit, too. i've had so much trouble in my life making myself vulnerable in front of other people. i've always felt like i had to be this pillar of impenetrable strength, and never let people see the sometimes ugly, messy, uncomfortable, unattractive side of myself, but i'm learning to start letting all of that go. i know that people will still love me, and won't think i'm this blubbering, crying mess of an idiot who can't handle life. that's kind of how i feel right now, but i know it's a stepping stone and i'll get through it.
the therapy that i've been going to has been really intense, and this is one of the major issues we're working on, and my poor little tiny brain is just getting so overwhelmed with all of it. it's incredibly painful and shocking to learn that the emotional maps you've made for yourself over a period of a lot of years (roughly about 13 years, in my case), that you've always relied on to get you through, are doing nothing but fucking you up and in the end, making your life and your relationships that much harder. so learning to face those things head-on and really tackle them in a meaningful and useful way is so terrifying, it's almost inconceivable. it's almost like, you start becoming this other, unfamiliar person and you don't even recognize yourself when you look in a mirror. especially if your face is red and blotchy and tear-streaked and feels like it's been stretched. it's not pretty. and i've only been to 5 sessions. the fun is just beginning.
and lastly, after i woke up from my 5-hour xanax-induced coma yesterday afternoon, i called joe. it was the first time we'd spoken in about 5 or 6 weeks, and it was pretty intense. but overall, it was wonderful. we had one of the deepest, most open and intimate conversations we've ever had in our entire relationship. and while i'm still totally reeling from our breakup, and just so confused by it all, and having a really hard time making sense of it, we both agreed that neither of us can, or want, to walk away from this. we're going to cautiously try to be friends, and i really hope it works out and doesn't backfire on either one of us somehow. he's so important to me, but we were never really friends, just lovers, basically, and i'd like to try to do that. and even if it fails, at least we'll both know we gave it our all. it's another way i'm trying out with coping, since the total cut-off of all contact doesn't seem to be working, maybe this will. we'll see.
sorry if this post today seems a bit personal and weepy. i think it's good to get this stuff out there, and i don't even know if anyone even ever reads this thing. but i read it, and it's really just for me.
it's not a big deal to push it back a week, but i was so mentally prepared to finally get all of this over with in 2 days, and it was a really big letdown. it was all i could do to keep from breaking out into convulsing sobs sitting in the nurse's office. having people carve up the inside of your skull is really nerve-wracking, and i've been psyching myself up for this for years, essentially. i know it's going to be so worth it when it's all said and done, but it's really scary.
secondly, i called my mom on tuesday night and just cried and cried to her. it felt so great. i haven't cried to my mom or really just been totally emotionally honest with her about anything since i was a teenager. it felt really good. she's suffered so much the last decade or so, and i've never wanted to burden her all these years, but finally i was just like, "fuck it, she's my mom, that's her job." she's supposed to protect me, not the other way around. it made me feel a lot better, and i feel like maybe some fences between the 2 of us that have been up for years are finally starting to sag a little bit.
i had another horrible anxiety attack at work yesterday, too, after returning from my pre-op appointment. i went into the bathroom and just couldn't stop crying, and eventually just had to go home. my friend here at work went outside with me and we had a really good talk, and again, i was able to really let myself go and cry in front of her, and then mark came back from lunch and sat with us for a bit, too. i've had so much trouble in my life making myself vulnerable in front of other people. i've always felt like i had to be this pillar of impenetrable strength, and never let people see the sometimes ugly, messy, uncomfortable, unattractive side of myself, but i'm learning to start letting all of that go. i know that people will still love me, and won't think i'm this blubbering, crying mess of an idiot who can't handle life. that's kind of how i feel right now, but i know it's a stepping stone and i'll get through it.
the therapy that i've been going to has been really intense, and this is one of the major issues we're working on, and my poor little tiny brain is just getting so overwhelmed with all of it. it's incredibly painful and shocking to learn that the emotional maps you've made for yourself over a period of a lot of years (roughly about 13 years, in my case), that you've always relied on to get you through, are doing nothing but fucking you up and in the end, making your life and your relationships that much harder. so learning to face those things head-on and really tackle them in a meaningful and useful way is so terrifying, it's almost inconceivable. it's almost like, you start becoming this other, unfamiliar person and you don't even recognize yourself when you look in a mirror. especially if your face is red and blotchy and tear-streaked and feels like it's been stretched. it's not pretty. and i've only been to 5 sessions. the fun is just beginning.
and lastly, after i woke up from my 5-hour xanax-induced coma yesterday afternoon, i called joe. it was the first time we'd spoken in about 5 or 6 weeks, and it was pretty intense. but overall, it was wonderful. we had one of the deepest, most open and intimate conversations we've ever had in our entire relationship. and while i'm still totally reeling from our breakup, and just so confused by it all, and having a really hard time making sense of it, we both agreed that neither of us can, or want, to walk away from this. we're going to cautiously try to be friends, and i really hope it works out and doesn't backfire on either one of us somehow. he's so important to me, but we were never really friends, just lovers, basically, and i'd like to try to do that. and even if it fails, at least we'll both know we gave it our all. it's another way i'm trying out with coping, since the total cut-off of all contact doesn't seem to be working, maybe this will. we'll see.
sorry if this post today seems a bit personal and weepy. i think it's good to get this stuff out there, and i don't even know if anyone even ever reads this thing. but i read it, and it's really just for me.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
i'll take a quiet life, a handshake of carbon monoxide
so, i was watching Good Morning America (i can't get NPR reception in my new apartment, and i have to have something on in the morning) this morning while i was eating breakfast and there was a brief jennifer aniston interview on there, talking about brad and angelina, and i felt really really sorry for her. having the entire world know every single detail (and lots of lies) about such a personal and painful matter as a divorce must just feel like the end of the world.
i hate being reminded that celebrities are still real people and actually have feelings. i much prefer them to be heartless automatons to be scoffed at and mocked.
i hate being reminded that celebrities are still real people and actually have feelings. i much prefer them to be heartless automatons to be scoffed at and mocked.
Friday, July 29, 2005
but what difference does it make?
as if i wasn't already depressed enough today for many and varied reasons, one of my favorite blogs, www.towleroad.com, had this story about a gay couple's home being burned down in florida, with the words "Die Fags" spray-painted on their front steps.
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/orl-locgayburning29072905jul29,0,4207003.story?coll=orl-news-headlines
then at the end of the story, it happens to mention that on sunday, a prominent gay club in Brownsville, Texas (outside houston) was burned down on sunday, and then mentions Fayetteville, Arkansas, my high school stomping ground. the article is here:
http://www.kfsm.com/Global/story.asp?S=3618094
(sorry, i haven't yet learned that whole HTML trick of linking to sites just by highlighting the words.)
the fayetteville club-burning has not yet been attributed to a hate crime, but let's just call a spade a spade, okay? fayetteville has suffered its share of anti-gay crime in recent years, the most notable probably being a young transvestite that was murdered in his apartment after picking up a couple of guys at a club a few years ago.
it's funny how you can just coast along, honestly believing in your heart that things are getting so much better, that people are actually beginning to show more respect and compassion toward one another, when in all actuality, hate crimes against gay people have increased by almost 50% in the past year. but with a hate-mongering president eating out of the hand of the religious right, doing their hateful best to shape our cultural landscape into one of fear, violence, hopelessness, and vengeance, what can you really expect? people are so easily swayed and malleable and weak. i sincerely weep for our future.
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/orl-locgayburning29072905jul29,0,4207003.story?coll=orl-news-headlines
then at the end of the story, it happens to mention that on sunday, a prominent gay club in Brownsville, Texas (outside houston) was burned down on sunday, and then mentions Fayetteville, Arkansas, my high school stomping ground. the article is here:
http://www.kfsm.com/Global/story.asp?S=3618094
(sorry, i haven't yet learned that whole HTML trick of linking to sites just by highlighting the words.)
the fayetteville club-burning has not yet been attributed to a hate crime, but let's just call a spade a spade, okay? fayetteville has suffered its share of anti-gay crime in recent years, the most notable probably being a young transvestite that was murdered in his apartment after picking up a couple of guys at a club a few years ago.
it's funny how you can just coast along, honestly believing in your heart that things are getting so much better, that people are actually beginning to show more respect and compassion toward one another, when in all actuality, hate crimes against gay people have increased by almost 50% in the past year. but with a hate-mongering president eating out of the hand of the religious right, doing their hateful best to shape our cultural landscape into one of fear, violence, hopelessness, and vengeance, what can you really expect? people are so easily swayed and malleable and weak. i sincerely weep for our future.
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