That's Just the Way it Changes, Like the Shoreline and the Sea

I'm sitting in my now empty apartment, with nothing but a small table and my computer and my stereo, blaring some Leonard Cohen. I love Mr. Cohen. I find his music incredibly depressing, and not in a good way. But still fantastic. During a certain relationship from which I extricated myself about a year ago, there was a lot of Mr. Cohen played when we were together. It was something we both deeply shared. I haven't been able to listen to him in almost a year. The combination of his inherent sadness, and the associations I now have with it, were a little too much. But I'm okay with it now. It's nice to have my friend back, though I'm still a little uneasy around him; still a little guarded.

I'm leaving in about 12 hours. I feel almost like I'm going to be leaving forever, like I'm moving away or something. I guess that's silly. I've been looking forward to it a lot, though with a lot of anxiety and trepidation. Last night, packing up my stuff, I was struck with an incredible sadness and feeling of displacement. I'm pretty thoroughly sick of Austin. I love it, and it's my home, truly, but I need to get out for a bit. I guess I was blindsided a bit by the desperation of this feeling last night. It's funny how when you leave someplace so familiar to you that you could drive its streets with your eyes closed (I don't recommend this, however), when you return, how it feels both the same, and completely alien to you at the same time. I'm already looking forward to returning and sort of wandering aimlessly around my new house, sort of lost, maybe, and not sure what to do with myself, but so grateful to be back and have that luxury again. I don't know if that makes any sense at all. It does to me. The idea of just "disappearing" has always been a little romantic to me as well. Having no one know where you are, just being "gone." of course, everyone knows where I am, but I can sort of fantasize about that.

I spent my hatred every place
On every work on every face
Someone gave me wishes
And I wished for an embrace